AIBU to want to know why husbands infant brother died

[Rhysinpeices]

When my husband was very young, his infant brother died. He doesn’t remember him or when it happened and only found out much later in his childhood (I think he was 10/11) about his existence when a relative dropped something into conversation. It seems to be a subject just not spoken about and i totally respect that.

the only reason I want to know is that I have recently had a dc and I want to know if it was something that could be genetic. I would assume that if it was someone would tell me or should have told DH years ago. Do I have a right to know or at least to know it’s nothing that could have any genetic link?

That you for your kind response instead of making me out to be the worst person in the world.

a friend said to me she would want to know and it got in my head

You have no “ right “ and you are unlikely to get a diagnosis of note if no one has talked about it anyway - if it was relevant they’d likely have told you if they knew - eg “ well he was a blue baby “ etc.

diagnoses years ago were often less accurate too.

who said I was going to pump them???

I was going to ask my DH to discreetly talk to his dad!

It was a different country

No, you have no right to know.

My MIL had a still birth. When I was pregnant I asked if there was anything I needed to let my midwife know about as DH’s grandparents were already dead and my MIL told me about various conditions and allergies. She didn’t mention her still birth and I had absolutely no right to ask about it. She knows I know about it and she has brought it up occasionally (usually at great expense to her, I lost a close relative and she wrote in the sympathy card about my relative absolutely finding her still born son and looking out for him until she can). If it was relevant to your son, they would have told you. Your in-laws will not risk the pain of losing their child and their grandchild and they will move heaven and earth to ensure you don’t feel the same pain they did.

If you are England/Wales pop on the GRO and get a copy of the death certificate it about £12.50

Scotland you will need Scotland’s People

I get why you’d want to check. My FIL for some reason treats my husband like he’s not his kid, so he completely failed to mention that ‘his father’ DH’s grandad and it turned out later FIL both had a genetic illness. We found out from DGF’s death certificate.

YABU but I understand why you want to know

I'd discuss this with your health visitor or GP for reassurance. When you have a baby, all sorts of worries and scares can run through your mind. A loss in the family, no matter how long ago, will have a lifelong impact on everyone involved, even people who join the family later on! I don't judge you for feeling worried about this and wanting to find out if your little one is at risk.

Did your baby have the usual heel-prick test when it was born? It would have screened for a multitude of genetic illnesses.

different country

Honestly the chances of the baby dying at birth from something generic that isn’t a random genetic defect but your also H doesn’t have to your knowledge are slim to none surely? You’re over thinking this

@Rhysinpeices please do talk to loved ones. I got so bad that I still shake when a child coughs. And I have four.

It's so hard. Looking back I can see why it happened, but it did happen. And I couldn't stop it.

Anything could trigger me. SIDS, baby temperature, feeding patterns, bugs, germs.

Having a baby is a huge hormone and emotional journey.

My worry for you would be, let's say they said, car accident.

The anxiety would spiral into the next thing.

So express that worry, in a gentle way.

It wasn’t birth.

Losing an infant is incredibly painful.
No.
You don't have a right to know.

Death certificates are available in different countries too.

It’s understandable that she would want to know. Wouldn most of us? What is important is how she asks that question.

I don’t speak the language. Nor does DH. He also does not know any dates and surname is very common

Well I won’t be asking the question as I have been made out to be a monster for having DH discretely ask his father.

It doesn’t really matter tbh. They certainly didn’t live to adult hood

I honestly get why you want to know and think I would too. However it would be really horrible of you to ask anything. You have my sympathies though and I hope your little one is fine. I WOULD explain the situation to the doctors and midwifes though, just in case they saw something in your baby that was weird and might be nothing, but might not be. My first cousin died of cot death aged 15 months, before I was born, I have always wondered about him and why.

And unlikely to have had genetic testing.

I definitely wouldn’t ask why/how he died.

I would be asking parents on both sides if they know of any genetic illnesses.

Thank you. This is a good idea.

honestly, I’m not an evil person. Just a mum.

Given that it happened in a different country in a different culture in a different generation it’s entirely possible that MIL and FIL don’t know a huge amount of medical detail, and the death certificate may not contain it either. Of all the things it could have been, a genetic issue passed down through generations is less likely.

I also think you have no right to know.
Your child faces many risks whilst being alive; as do all children and people who are alive; this is just another potential thing. You have no right to ask about this and it’s none of your business.

I get why you want to know. It's also a question that can come up from midwives or health visitors about family history. I had a similar situation where my in laws lost a child from SIDS and I found it massively triggering for my post natal anxiety (I literally read every study on SIDS). It might be they just don't know though and genetic screening is much better now I'm sure.