AIBU to want to know why husbands infant brother died

[Rhysinpeices]

When my husband was very young, his infant brother died. He doesn’t remember him or when it happened and only found out much later in his childhood (I think he was 10/11) about his existence when a relative dropped something into conversation. It seems to be a subject just not spoken about and i totally respect that.

the only reason I want to know is that I have recently had a dc and I want to know if it was something that could be genetic. I would assume that if it was someone would tell me or should have told DH years ago. Do I have a right to know or at least to know it’s nothing that could have any genetic link?

I was four when my 6 day old brother died in his sleep.

It still is a painful subject for my family;one of my own children shares a birthday with him;it's always a bitter sweet day.

Although technically it was recorded as SIDS my family were given an explanation for it.It wasn't genetic or environmental.

Same issue here with DH’s brother. We don’t even know whether he was stillborn or lived for a while.
His mum doesn’t talk about it and I don’t think I have a right to know although I did wonder about it quite a bit during my own pregnancies.

I think you have to respect her wishes and leave well alone if she doesn’t want to talk about it

Other countries also have death certificates

It is tragic that anyone loses a child , but that doesn't prevent another family member from wanting to check the implications for their own child. There isn't a hierarchy here. And anyway it's quite possible to find out without discussing it if necessary.

It wouldn't be surprising if siblings of a lost child might assume it's wrong to ask, but that the actual bereaved parents understand the reasons .

I think you have a valid point. My DH had an emergency operation as a 6 week old baby but wasn't told about it. The scar on his abdomen was explained as 'he swallowed a sixpence and had to have it removed'

When we had our first DS my MIL finally told DH about the operation which had been necessary because of a genetic condition. Our DS also had the condition and needed a lifesaving operation. Without knowing about the genetic link the doctors wouldn't have been able to make such a swift diagnosis and rectify the problem. Our second DS was monitored but was OK.

It's important to know if there is a potential genetic issue.

I think they would have mentioned it had it been something genetic.

My brother died before I was born, my mam rarely talked about it and I didn't like to bring it up in case it upset her. When I became pregnant at a young age she panicked and told me about his genetic condition so I could get screened at scans. I really think they would have told you.

I hope you and posters like you are happy that you have basically hounded an anxious first time mother, who might have PND, away from mumsnet for simply being concerned for their child.

No youbcant ask your in laws. If you feel you absolutely have to know, then you can order a death certificate which will give a cause. However you'll then need to keep that to yourself as telling the in laws what you have done would be hugely insensitive.

I can understand your desire to know. In a first midwife appointment they take a family medical history and are clearly looking for genetic issues that might affect your pregnancy. I wouldn't say you have "a right" to know but if your husband can have a discreet chat with one of his parents that would seem sensible, particularly if you are considering more children.

You know, I’m going to disagree on the “you have no right to know” stance

When I was pregnant MW asked us about any conditions in the family, my husband’s uncle had a learning disability and she said we should explore what that was. It was tricky as most people were dead/without legal capacity but we did find out it was meningitis so not genetic.

No, you don't have a right to know. Having said that, in England and Wales death certificates are a matter of public record, so if the death occurred there and you know the basic details (name and approximate year and location the death occurred) you could discretely get a copy of the death certificate (there is a gap in the online records between 1958 and 1983 so no good if the death was in those years).

General Register Office (GRO) - Official information on births, marriages, civil partnerships and deaths

Mine neither, but it did clearly cross my MWs mind