AIBU to want to know why husbands infant brother died

[Rhysinpeices]

When my husband was very young, his infant brother died. He doesn’t remember him or when it happened and only found out much later in his childhood (I think he was 10/11) about his existence when a relative dropped something into conversation. It seems to be a subject just not spoken about and i totally respect that.

the only reason I want to know is that I have recently had a dc and I want to know if it was something that could be genetic. I would assume that if it was someone would tell me or should have told DH years ago. Do I have a right to know or at least to know it’s nothing that could have any genetic link?

Poor OP 😕

It's understandable that you might wish to know.

It's understandable that the parents might not wish to discuss the matter, whether it was SIDS, an accident or genetic.

It will ultimately depend on how comfortable your DH is in trying to have that conversation with his parents.

Problem is they are from a different country and culture. We don't know where the death occurred.

Sending a hug, I think curiosity is natural and especially because it might have an impact on your child. Don’t think you’ve done anything wrong questioning yourself on whether you should find out x

I found something out after the birth of my second child that sent me into a bit of a spin. So I can't help wondering, if part of the issue for the OP is that no one thought to mention it earlier.

Nothing can take away the pain for her PIL and of course OP doesn't have a right to know details. As a mother though, worrying about a possible threat to her child's health is normal and her feelings are valid.

Statistically, it isn't that likely to be an inherited condition unless other family members have been affected, but it's always a good idea to talk through your worries with a health professional. It's also good to remember that in the UK, the heel prick screening and tests done by midwives, HV and GPs pick up a number of underlying conditions.

I can imagine you might have a feeling of wishing to know. But you can't force others to talk about bereavement if it hasn't been raised already by them. Some people can't bear to talk about death. Especially that of a child.
If they wanted to share the reason why then they would have. I would imagine it was due to illness or an accident.
If you have suspicions over family members being abusive then I guess I can see why you might have concern. But otherwise I'd say it's best to leave it.

I had my son two years before my other children were born, he died when he was 5 months. Our other children all know about E and the reason he died, if in future any of my children or their partners need to know any more information I’m more than happy to share the copies of his medical records and all records I have of afterwards. If my experience helps them in any way who wouldn’t share important details?

My uncle drowned when he was 5 and my aunt died suddenly when she was 2, I wish I’d known why my aunt died before I had E as it could have been a completely different outcome for us. My grandmother refused to discuss anything about how her children died and my mother claimed she never knew. I never found out until I went looking after I lost my own son. It’s difficult not to be bitter some days.

You don’t really have a right to know, but I do sympathise. When I was pregnant as an older mum the midwife/doc asked about family history. Transpired partner’s older sibling had died shortly after birth (he found out as a teen, never discussed in their family). Partner was vague on exact cause - there were a couple of issues and docs asked him to speak to his mum to get more info. There was no way his mum would have ever discussed it - had all been swept under the carpet as loss was serious trauma for her. He had to ask another relative for info so there could be extra checks.

Don’t see the point now as your child is here and all safe, unless you are planning more.

@Rhysinpeices I would certainly want to know in your position. No doubt DH's family are grieving still, and perhaps there is some cultural sensitivity about whatever happened, but the cause of the death might have been genetic, and could affect your existing and future children in some way at some point. Whether or not you 'have the right', you need to know.
Could DH explain this to his parents and request a brief but straightforward answer about the cause of death, eg the name of the illness if it was an illness, or just 'it was an accident' if not? You wouldn't need to ask more after that and DH could promise that you would keep it to yourselves unless it was necessary to involve professionals at some point.
Perhaps you will find that there was a tragic accident and no possible genetic implications, which will be a relief. Fingers crossed for you.

I am so very sorry.

OP just wanted to offer you some support - I think some PP are being incredibly unkind with the pile on. I think I do understand why you want to know what happened. You also clearly do understand that it's an unbelievably difficult topic, and given that you are asking the question here, I think you are indeed sensitive to the feelings of others. Otherwise you'd have just blurted it out at some point without any consideration. Perhaps the way your OP was worded wasn't ideal, as I don't think anyone has a "right" to know this sort of information. But you obviously realise that now.

Some of the responses on here are ridiculous and also quite hypocritical. Why is it ok to be so rude and unkind to an anonymous stranger on the internet (swearing, calling you selfish, heartless etc) when you're simply asking a question. I don't think most of the people replying would talk to someone they knew in real life this way.

Not only do you not have a right to know, it's highly unlikely that they would know unless it was something very obvious, and they would be likely to disclose eg we have x in family. Genetic testing as widely available now wasn't available 25 + years ago, my dd was tested 23 years ago as part of a pilot due to certain symptoms and it was highly unusual and only due to where we lived

I am so sorry this happened.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, you would hope if it was a genetic condition then you would have been told, but you never know. It could be something like epilepsy which would be good to know if there's family history etc. It's highly likely to sadly have been sids, or something equally as tragic but not a genetic issue. I have a close relationship with my mil, we've had conversations about very personal things that happened to her and I would feel comfortable asking her if this was me, but then nothing is secret or taboo and there isn't the cultural element you speak of.
I would do as a pp suggested and try track down a death certificate or something, that way you can find out without ever mentioning it.
Or possibly get your DH, if he's comfortable enough and close enough with his parents, to ask one of them, or even better an aunt/uncle who will know but it not be a super emotional thing to ask.

I agree with @QueenOfHiraeth You have asked the question to us clumsily so you definitely need to work on your phrasing but I think it's ok for you to ask DH to reach out to one of his parents and ask. Even SIDS can have be genetically related, although rare. Knowledge is power when it comes to medical stuff.

OP, I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all in wanting to know. My DH had an older sibling who died before DH was born. DH didn’t know the cause of death, but knew enough information for us to obtain a birth certificate from the General Register Office (UK). Both DH’s parents had died at this point, so he was unable to ask.

You can get a copy of any death certificate you wish. They are a public record

Just search for the child’s death certificate and order a copy

Mumsnet very odd today. She obviously needs to know of genetic issues, I agree.

To be honest I would like to think and hope if there was any chance of there being a "genetic" concern, it would have been mentioned before you actually had your own child

I was mildly concerned about my paternal grandmother's cause of death considering she'd died very young. My father was a child when she died and older relatives were very unforthcoming.It was tuberculosis - I found the death record on line. My mother's family had cited a history of TB in my farher's famly as one of the many reasons why my mother shouldn't marry my father. Then just last year we found out there was even more tuberculosis in my mother's family which had been carefully kept quiet. Neither my father nor mother developed TB and there is no sign of a genetic predisposition to TB in me or my children.

Realistically, the chances are much more likely it was cot death or some infection. It could even have been as a result of a birth injury.

Even if it was genetic, there's no guarantee that your husband even got that same gene and your child's gene pool is half yours. It could even have been a spontabeous mutation in his little sibling just something going awry on the gene split as a matter of pure bad luck. Lots of people have a defective or less than ideal recessive which is masked by the other parent's good gene - as long as there isn't a line of cousins marrying cousins. For example, my father and my husband are both colourblind but neither I nor my sons are colour blind. My sons are not even carriers. They got my mother's good x though I carried my father's defective x as well.

I lost an infant brother. I was 7. He was too long being born and he developed meningitis and died at 9 days.

Babies unfortunately die for all sorts of reasons that aren't genetic.

Very few genetic conditions are caused by single gene mutations. You'll be no further forward in determining absolute risk to your child, unless you knew that you were both definitely carrying a recessive for one of them. It also seems unlikely as why would a your husband's brother die infancy and not him as well?

Fucking selfish?

She’s a worried mum, asking on a parenting forum for some advice. Don’t be such an arsehole.

Many people replying will be "being sympathetic" to all the Mums who have lost children in infancy.

@KimMumsnet I don't think it is unreasonable for posters to be more empathetic to Mums who have lost a child, than to the OP on this thread.