To think our lives are over and we will be judged (disability)

thesaskedminger · 12/01/2025 15:03

Yes you will be judged. We were in a similar situation where we went from both being able to work full time to, over the period of about 8 years, both reliant on disability benefits due to not being able. The thing about those who judge is their judgment means nothing. People have such horrible attitudes towards people who cannot work, it usually indicates a lack of critical thinking, or any thinking really.

myteethwerefine · 12/01/2025 15:09

I hear you, OP. Have just seen the latest frothing thread about benefits and had a cry.

Our lives are hard enough without this stigma thrown at us 24/7. And so much of it is patently false.

I have basically no friends as a) I'm too ill to keep them up and b) I'm too ashamed to tell people of my circumstances in case they judge me. I have just spent three days without seeing a soul and I won't see anyone until Tuesday (gp appointment).

I live in a damp crumbling flat because my landlord believes I am unworthy of maintenance. I can't move as there is no social housing and most landlords won't take me. But according to the other threads on here I'm living the high life.

All this just adds to isolation and alienation. I remember just praying for the Cameron era to be over and for some compassion to return (if it ever really existed) but it seems things are getting worse.

Sorry, this probably isnt helpful! There are people who understand though. Not everyone believes the rhetoric. Your life isn't over as every life has worth. You have a daughter who loves you and who you love and that is priceless. Not everything has to be measured in monetary terms.

What being ill has shown me is that humans as a whole are pretty awful and the veneer of civilisation is very thin. So appreciate the good ones.

Katemax82 · 12/01/2025 15:10

It's absolutely shit that you will be judged. Ffs benefits are there for situations like yours. You shouldn't feel like you do. Please don't think everyone is an uncaring judgemental prick, I don't judge people xx

Nctwotooto · 12/01/2025 15:13

NC also.
Both DH and I are on benefits due to illness and it's emotionally soul destroying. I feel worthless most days and don't talk to people because them asking me what I do for a living has become almost a phobia.

You have to learn to avoid social media comment sections. MN. Newspapers. FB.
They all will just destroy you so don't read them.

MatildaTheCat · 12/01/2025 15:17

Don’t share any personal information with absolutely anyone who doesn’t need to know. I’m sorry for your situation, it sounds awful but claim absolutely everything you are entitled to and tell as few people as possible. Give vague answers to anyone who asks.

Hold your head high, you have done nothing wrong.

Seahorsesplendour · 12/01/2025 15:17

don’t worry about what others think and don’t read what they say; it can only impact you if you choose to let it.

I’m so sorry life has thrown all this at you but you can choose to live and be there for your daughter and show her the power of the human spirit when faced with adversity!

Not always easy I know but there are people who do understand and want to help and don’t judge so please reach out in rl and accept some help. You are truly worth it

MatildaTheCat · 12/01/2025 15:18

Also, as a teacher hopefully your DH will be able to access an ill health retirement pension?

Ivymedication · 12/01/2025 15:18

Don't hide yourself away just because you feel you are 2nd best. It's shit life circumstances and unfortunately it's happened to your family. Real friends will understand this

Its just easy to get left behind when you have no real news as everyday is the same, you have leas money and less 'gossip' as not going to work or out on adventures.

Try not to let yourself drift away and keep up with friends IRL as much as possible. Meet to do free/cheap/at home things as much as possible. Let them know what suits your and DHs mobility or ability levels and keep in touch.

I was very guilty of locking myself away and feeling inferior....noone did this to me but me. After a few years I came back out if my shell and opened up to my friends and famiky and now I have a social life again and it is soooo needed.

Don't read the disability/benefits threads here, they are full of jealous bitches who don't know what it's like to live in actual pain or with a disability, and all they think is free money or free car and are green with envy they can't have it too.
No critical thinking that to have these great benefits they have to actually have a painful disability.

Your life isn't over, it's just taken a turn. It's unfair and awful and you are allowed to scream and complain about it. But it will be ok in the end.

Gardendiary · 12/01/2025 15:20

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I hate the attitude to people on benefits, it can be absolutely awful - currently ignoring a thread on here about it. Unfortunately in Britain a lot of people’s worth seems to be linked with how much money they have, I see it quite frequently as a low paid worker. Those who judge you are not worthy of your time.

minisoksmakehardwork · 12/01/2025 15:21

Re your daughter, if she's not already, speak to the school about registering her with them as a young carer, and ask if she can have a support worker. We've a fantastic network in our area call centre33 and our eldest daughter has been with them since she was 8. It's given her a chance to be herself with etc for other kids in the same position. It also means school are aware so if she's late due to caring responsibilities, it's taken into account.

Original poster

Plopandflop · 12/01/2025 15:24

My husband only qualified 3 years ago so not much pension. He worked a football coach in schools before do there is a bit there but not much. Him training as a teacher was meant to give us a better quality for life and be able to afford holiday and other stuff.

OP posts:

stargirl1701 · 12/01/2025 15:26

He should apply for retirement on the grounds of ill health. He needs union support and a solicitor of his own. He should not resign.

Original poster

Plopandflop · 12/01/2025 15:26

when people ask what I do I say I run a craft business. They don’t need to know it’s like 5 hours a week and that’s on a good week.

I wore myself out working a lot longer than I should have done. I was desperate to hang on

OP posts:

Original poster

Plopandflop · 12/01/2025 15:27

Unfortunate he went to supply about a year ago as the hours where just too much and now he can work when he is ok x

OP posts:

Original poster

Plopandflop · 12/01/2025 15:29

It’s just knowing what is to come. My mate had a blue badge due to hyper mobility. She can get out of the car looking fine and she has been abused and even spat at for using a blue badge

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Claudethecat · 12/01/2025 15:29

Don't read the disability/benefits threads here, they are full of jealous bitches who don't know what it's like to live in actual pain or with a disability, and all they think is free money or free car and are green with envy they can't have it too

Resurrected very old user name for this.

This. I hide those threads now as it is useless arguing with the bigots.

I am sorry OP. I know how hard and isolating it can be. I am not disabled, but a full time carer for my DH. I don't tell anyone in real life our financial circumstances due to how shitty people can be.

Original poster

Plopandflop · 12/01/2025 15:32

Worry about DD as well: we have always been less well off then friends but now it will get worse. Luckily my amazing in-laws have said they will pay for any school trips or if they go away with school.

DD is so amazing (I know I am bias) she never complains and is doing so well at school.

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BeTwinklyKhakiPanda · 12/01/2025 15:33

You will be judged, by stupid, ignorant people such as some of those on the thread about benefits.

But it is people in your situation who are exactly why we need a benefit system, and you are entitled to a decent life. Your life will be different, but it can still be worthwhile for you and those around you. You can still love people and bring them joy. You can be loved, and joyful.

Today, I am lucky enough not to need much support from society, but I am very happy to pay my taxes to make sure that those who need help get it, and that it is there if I and those I love need it one day.

I wish you all the best.

Motomum23 · 12/01/2025 15:34

I'm so sorry OP but its time to grow a thick skin and ignore all benefit bashing threads... yes there are people who will abuse the system but the system is there for people like you and your husband... and I think (as others should) there but for the grace of god go I.
Don't read abuse, don't take abuse and don't give people who really have no idea how difficult life is for you any indication of your benefit status.

Original poster

Plopandflop · 12/01/2025 15:38

I have just had a right pop at someone on the other thread. It makes me want to sob. Like they think we somehow choose this. I would love them to come and spend a week in our shoes.

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Fam23 · 12/01/2025 15:41

Katemax82 · 12/01/2025 15:10

It's absolutely shit that you will be judged. Ffs benefits are there for situations like yours. You shouldn't feel like you do. Please don't think everyone is an uncaring judgemental prick, I don't judge people xx

100% agree with this. People who play the system don’t deserve the benefits they receive. People like you and your husband do, please don’t feel like this

Littleelffriend · 12/01/2025 15:42

I’m not on benefits and I wouldn’t judge you in this situation. This is a situation where benefits should be given. Maybe you aren’t giving people enough credit? Yes, some will judge but plenty won’t

BlueSky2024 · 12/01/2025 15:42

Plopandflop · 12/01/2025 14:51

Names changed

I have epilepsy and narcolepsy. I managed to work till about 3 years ago but it all got so bad I had to leave re illness. I managed to do a small part time craft business but I still get ESA as it’s classed as permitted work as I am in the support group. This is all I can do without literally floping. My parents both thing I should give it up completely as I don’t really managed to do much else. I am 44

my husband is a teacher and has always brought in and ok wage and we cope

after struggling for over a year with pain, weakness and memory and having to go part time he has been diagnosed with progressive MS. It’s just a matter of time before work goes completely as he is really struggling now. He is 49

that’s it isn’t it. A life on benefits and a lifetime of being judged. Everyone I see a post on here about sickness benefits or a post on Facebook or the paper I want to throw up. I know some people will say “but we meant those who really can work but don’t but let’s face it we are all thrown in the same category as a burden to the tax payer.

we have a dd who is 12 and I worry for her so much

just feel like life is over.

That’s tough, some people have really bad luck, the upside is that you may find out who your real friends are, disassociate yourself from the judgemental ones

Claudethecat · 12/01/2025 15:42

Plopandflop · 12/01/2025 15:38

I have just had a right pop at someone on the other thread. It makes me want to sob. Like they think we somehow choose this. I would love them to come and spend a week in our shoes.

You will never be able to change their minds. Honestly, I have spent far too much time and energy in the past arguing with such people. They have no idea.

BigSilly · 12/01/2025 15:42

Nobody is going to judge someone with Ms for not working!