To think always having the children with you is stressful?

[mistyfields]

I know people are going to say ‘well what did you expect’ kind of thing but honestly I didn’t really think about this.

I have two children, aged four and eighteen months. They are with me all the time unless I’m at work.

They are fine, nice children, very stressful together but not anything out of the ordinary. But … you can’t really do anything, can you?

I used to enjoy wandering around new places and looking at shops and cafes and restaurants, I can’t do that now because my toddler would cause mayhem. That’s not forever and my four year old isn’t too bad but even so I couldn’t relax and enjoy myself - I’d be constantly checking he hadn’t wandered off or picked up something he wasn’t supposed to and so on.

I know it sounds silly it’s just only really starting to occur to me that that’s it - I guess the time to be an ‘adult’ again happens when they’re teens, maybe?

I don't understand the question. Why would you always have your children with you? Why would you not be an "adult" until their teens?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Erm, yep 🤣 and if you're very lucky maybe grandparents can do an overnight?

it's not bloody rocket science

No. But it doesn't make sense. OP appears to think she's surgically attached to her children until they're 13.
Incomprehensible.

I assume their father doesn’t often have them, or you miss having his company.

But yes, you need to adjust your life a bit to accommodate them and you can’t do the adult things you used to do in the same way (especially with a toddler!).

Are you a lone parent OP?

I think you enter into a different phase of your life when your children are small. You have to give up quite a few of the things you used to do. But it's not forever, and it's lovely to pick them back up again later, along with other things you've never tried before.

My DC are much older now, and I found it to be a gradual process. Start with, say, an easy hobby, and go from there.

I totally get it.

You learn to snatch a few moments here and there, visits to the dentist when you leave them with their Dad, that kind of thing. 😂

Well I’m a lone parent so yes my kids are always with me unless at school

Thanks, I did wonder 😂

Obviously I’m not surgically attached to them but I can’t exactly leave them alone while I wander around a town, can I!?

I’m not a lone parent but DH isn’t around much.

I know it probably is daft - I think it’s just a random thought that came into my mind as we’re driving somewhere. We went through a lovely little place and I was thinking ‘I’d love to look round here properly!’ and then realised I wouldn’t be able to for, well, years!

I've tried to explain this feeling as well. I'm either at work or I have responsibility for the children and any time I have to myself is brief and generally spent rushing around on a deadline because I've got to get back to relieve whoever is looking after the children.

The freedom to just decide I'm off to do X has gone. The things I previously got joy from doing aren't enjoyable with children and I can't justify getting childcare to do them.

Thanks for saying this, you’ve articulated it really well.

School is many hours a day, 5 days a week. You're proving my point, not OPs. Also, she's not a lone parent.

OP is making an absolutely understandable comment. A lot of mothers are with their children all the time when not working because the thought might be, why would they need childcare at these times. However, it is hugely demanding at this age when they're always into something and needing supervision. A lot of mothers feel like they lose a part of their identity. I used to really enjoy the couple of hours I had free after work and before picking my son up when I could decompress.

One is home educated and has been for the last 2 years, what “point” am I proving? And one is on a reduced timetable and leaves at 11 due to Sen. again what point?

It certainly feels like it in the period you're in - and even when they're not there, your mind is constantly with them - if everything's going okay, what to do for tea, how the bloody hell you're going to get so much as a sniff of fruit or veg' into them, whether you've got to hunt down that unicorn's fart of a GP appointment for Jr Jr's constant sore tummy, that sort of thing - well, that's what I found, anyways!

Yes, life as you knew it, b.c. is gone forever, when you could be cheerfully self absorbed, focussing your attention and money solely on you and your partner's needs and wants.

But, it does get easier, and it does get less labour and time intensive, with more time for just you, and what you want to do, without constantly attached anklebiters, as you go alone. In fact, around eleven onwards, some models would rather you were anywhere but near them, and your focus was on anything but their own delightful little selves. (Hint, just like those sudden and very loud quiet times when they were toddlers, that's when you might want to take another look). Oh, they still stay money hoovering littler fuckers, though. That, as far as I can tell, remains a permanent state of affairs. Never thought of a dollar of yourn that they didn't wish to claim for their own!

Yes.
even when it’s really boring stuff like appointment for passport or at the council office, Ds is with me unless it happens on a nursery morning ( so before he was 2.5 he was literally with me 24/7).
The time Ds is at nursery to need to work usually so he’s always with me for appointments, shops, etc..
Dh works full time weekdays, and shops aren’t open after 12 Saturday or at all Sunday where we live

My haircut is so overdue as they only open 11-6, Mon-Fri so I will have Ds with me and I can’t be bothered. No family to help

Sorry, about referencing your partner - times ten for you as a single parent!

Right now that you can't make a point to save your life. They're with you unless they're in school...but they don't go to school? Make your mind up.

OPs children have 2 parents. She can do things when they're in the other parents care. Also she probably has family, and if not, paid care exists.

I think most parents feel this way when kids are that age. But is you DH away on an oil rig or something, otherwise you should be able to have time off at least at the weekend. I think there are places that everyone can enjoy, eg NT places in the summer. (Not stately homes specifically!)

Mine are school age now and I like taking a sneaky day off work to enjoy some me time sometimes.

Well yes, that's how it is but it won't be years. My wise uncle told me anything after 7 became civilised and I agree with him.

It’s certainly a realisation when you can’t meander round like you used to. There used to be a time when I couldn’t think of anything worse than dragging DS round the shops. He was a very good child but would get bored of it, and rightly so, there’s nothing to really keep their attention. We’d have a look round, go to a cafe for a drink and cake then go home or go to the park etc. So most of our trips out were geared around him to stop him being bored. But it changes before you know it. Now he’s 8 and I took him Christmas shopping and he was such good company, chatting and browsing, it really was lovely. So you don’t necessarily have to wait for the teenage years before they’re happy to tag along with things you want to do.

I am not talking to you, you have commented on my comment that wasn’t aimed at you! I have 2 at school so yes my kids are all with me unless at school and I wasn’t “making a point to you” I was answering the OP!

I feel like this is deliberately obtuse.

Even if you have a lot of time away from your children, you do not get that sense of freedom in life that you may have had before young kids. You might get a few hours here and there, or a day pursuing your own interests. Otherwise, it's you and the kids.

OP I have two young children. I work full time so when I am home I am with them. My husband also works full time so we have family time together at weekends. I don't take time really to myself at the weekend because I feel my children need time to be with me and my husband is the same. So I totally get your perspective - it is very different to life before children and you don't have that same freedom as before.

@WishOnAStarr definitely. It’s that idea of free time to develop your interests just - vanishes. I know some parents and mothers who continue to do so but they generally have grandparents active and willing to take the children.

I do sometimes long for them to be teens. Although that brings its own problems I am sure!