To think always having the children with you is stressful?

[mistyfields]

I know people are going to say ‘well what did you expect’ kind of thing but honestly I didn’t really think about this.

I have two children, aged four and eighteen months. They are with me all the time unless I’m at work.

They are fine, nice children, very stressful together but not anything out of the ordinary. But … you can’t really do anything, can you?

I used to enjoy wandering around new places and looking at shops and cafes and restaurants, I can’t do that now because my toddler would cause mayhem. That’s not forever and my four year old isn’t too bad but even so I couldn’t relax and enjoy myself - I’d be constantly checking he hadn’t wandered off or picked up something he wasn’t supposed to and so on.

I know it sounds silly it’s just only really starting to occur to me that that’s it - I guess the time to be an ‘adult’ again happens when they’re teens, maybe?

OP in a year the eldest will be in school 5 days a week - you only work 3 so can you time your little ones nap so you can have a wander round some shops or a cafe sometimes? Childcare swaps? More time in nursery?

Mistyfields

I gas similar experience to you, DH worked away so it was me and kids most of the week

When he was home, at weekends, we spent time as a family.

I know the feeling of wanting to wander alone sometimes 😉

Mistyfields apologies for typos 😊

I think waiting until they are teenagers maybe a little unreasonable 🤣 my youngest is 7 now and goes to so many activities and play dates that I could easily slip away for a quiet wander/coffee if I had the energy. Instead I sneak in the occasional nap while he's busy 🙈

YABU frankly

When you decide to have children, you decide to have a life with children? What exactly did you expect?

I am big fan of adult-only holidays, pretty obvious if we decided to have kids we would have to be limited to family holidays.

YABU for wanting to have the same life you had before, that's a strange idea. You didn't enjoy it that much if you decided to have kids, you knew that freedom would be over (at least for a few years).

If you plan and do things around the children, it's so much easier. I don't find having the children with me particularly stressful, it's a different life for a few years.

That isn’t really what I was driving at though @TooManyChristmasCards , and it’s one of the reasons why the ‘well why don’t you …’ posts miss the point a bit. It isn’t really about longing for a previous life. It’s more the realisation about things changing.

It’s a bad example but the closest I can explain is that I lost my mum when I was 15. I always know whether my mum was alive or not in my memories, it was another BC/AD moment if you like. She had cancer so I knew she was dying, and I remember one morning my dad nipped out early to get milk (he’d taken extended leave from his job to care for her.) And I remember thinking that one day this would be the new normal - he’d go back to work, life would go on, except my mum wouldn’t be part of it.

And I tried to prepare myself then for it and the truth is you can’t, it’s just a slow realisation until you get past that point. For me, now, a world with my mum in it would be stranger than one without as that’s what I’m used to. I am at that point with children in a way but every now and again I see a glimmer of my old life and who I was and it surprises me is all.

I could of course try to engineer things but it’s that sheer spontaneity that’s gone and probably won’t be back for many years, despite what people say. That isn’t the same as saying parenting is always going to be as intense as it is now of course.

What the fuck? 😂 either a desperate reach or deluded

When my dds got to 6 and 8 they became my little pals. They began to enjoy cinema, ice skating, eating out, shopping (for them!). We would have lovely days out together. This improved more are more the older they got.

Totally different with ds, he is all switch and you tube

It can be .

And taking them out can sometimes just mean the same hassle in other locations.

It's OK to miss things you used to take for granted

I don't have children but I understand what you mena just after spending a whole day with my nephews who are 3 and 7. It's constant play with me, questions etc. Only time I had to myself was when in went to the toilet but even then they would come bang on the door hurry up let's play 🤣

I'm abit introverted and it just reminds me why I've chosen bot to have any because I do need mmsome space and alone time in a day and I'd never get it like I do now.

I hear you: I have Autistic 7 year old twins and they are always with me, apart from when they are at school (Dad isn't on the scene).
I have nooooooooo life of my own, which I've made peace with, but I sometimes have a self-indulgent cry or scream inwardly!

Can you take a day off work midweek when they are both in childcare?

can you book a babysitter? Can DH do a day at the weekend or a whole weekend so you can have some me time?!

Yep , 100%.
One of the reasons I stuck to one was because I like peace and freedom and wandering around on my own.
I remember a few years ago feeling like I'd never have 'free arms' again 😆 I know it sounds ridiculous but if you know, you know. .

I'll always remember when DD could walk round parks and shops by herself without causing mayhem. It started getting a little easier from there.
Now she's just turned 7, we can go for a coffee in reasonable peace, she's ok at the cinema and good company in shops.
It will better!

There’s actually a bit of a sweet spot in my opinion between the ages of about 6 and 10/11 when life is really pretty good. They start chatting and it gets better and better and more and more interesting.

They go to bed easily, still do what you tell them 😆, the hormones haven’t kicked in, they’re not being corrupted by phones and secondary school and all that that brings… so yes, you’ve got some good times ahead.

And just wanted to say I’m very sorry you lost your DM so young. That’s a very tough thing to go through. There are no words. I lost mine a year ago aged 48 and I’d do anything to bring her back. I’m so sorry OP you lost your DM so young. Hugs to you and strength to get through these early years to the bit where it gets a bit easier.

i can still remember going out with just my handbag, one day, during the week. Not sure what ages they both were but oh my gosh! It was the best feeling in the world! I remember thinking I haven’t done this in years and I felt like that picture if snoopy dancing if you’ve seen it. Just so happy!

likewise one year when they went back to school after Christmas and I walked into town alone, just getting some shopping. I remember feeling like I was coming up 🤣🤣 I thought to myself this is better than ecstasy!! Back in my raver days! It was just so good to be alone and free!

it shows how much hard work it is. It’s exhausting to love your kids as much as I do and as much as I’m sure you do too.

We need breaks to refuel and remember who we are!

It gets easier. Mine are 17 and 16 now and I actually enjoy spending time with them. They are self sufficient and do not as needy as little ones. They are actually good company and we have a laugh together.

Do you work part time OP? When your youngest is in school, make sure to have one full day off a week.

It's why I didn't get a job when the dcs started school. That child-free time is valuable to me, it's when I get to be me and am free to meander, shop, visit places and do some hobby classes. I had the dcs with me all the time until they started preschool and it was hard work, although not stressful as such. I have a very involved DH but we prefer to not spllit our time and leave one of us with both the kids, so I'm still with them when he's here.

But for me there has always been the light at the end of the tunnel that I'd get back time to myself once they were in preschool & school, and getting a school hours job would essentially switch that off