To think always having the children with you is stressful?

[mistyfields]

I know people are going to say ‘well what did you expect’ kind of thing but honestly I didn’t really think about this.

I have two children, aged four and eighteen months. They are with me all the time unless I’m at work.

They are fine, nice children, very stressful together but not anything out of the ordinary. But … you can’t really do anything, can you?

I used to enjoy wandering around new places and looking at shops and cafes and restaurants, I can’t do that now because my toddler would cause mayhem. That’s not forever and my four year old isn’t too bad but even so I couldn’t relax and enjoy myself - I’d be constantly checking he hadn’t wandered off or picked up something he wasn’t supposed to and so on.

I know it sounds silly it’s just only really starting to occur to me that that’s it - I guess the time to be an ‘adult’ again happens when they’re teens, maybe?

Well I think coping well as a parent is a defining factor in living as an "adult".

What is your DH doing whilst you're struggling this much?

It is relentless at the ages they're at but you're really not far off the elder one in particular needing less physical input from you and from then it starts getting easier.

There are some things you can do in the meantime - key is getting out and about as much as you can. Everything feels less of a slog, you relate to your kids differently and you can't do housework when you're not at home. Honestly just close the front door, get in the car and go.

Get your DH to do more. They're his kids too and you're a family.

Make sure you always have frozen pizzas, fish fingers, chips, peas and sweetcorn in the freezer. Even after the most knackering, testing days, everyone is happy if they've got hot tasty food in 15 minutes.

Huh? We are clearly reading that differently. I believe OP means she wouldn’t do it for something small such as a quick wonder aimlessly round town (but would for something “more” such as a trip to the gym, a drink with friends etc). I totally get it. I do lots by myself, but wouldn’t leave my young kids with my husband for things that weren’t “worth it” anymore.

I know what you mean. Mine became teens during Covid, so
we went into lockdown with children who weren’t left, or came everywhere with us to coming out of it with children who (mostly!) wanted to stay at home when I pottered around the shops. It’s like you get a bit of “you” back and autonomy over your life again. It still feels odd though and I still feel a little lost and guilty with free time as I’ve been so used to making sure they are sorted or doing things for them.

So you're saying you have a completely different issue to the OP? Not seeing the relevance of your working schedule to Ops problem of not letting even her partner look after their children while complaining she's always glued to them.

Yes, interesting point OP. Life changes enormously when you have a child. In fact, to me, there's no point having a child if your life isn't going to change.
Unless you have good friends or siblings who have had children before you, it is very difficult to fully understand these changes before you have children yourself. You can think about changes and sacrifices etc but it's all theoretical until you actually live the situation.
The pre-school years are some of the toughest because they are so physically intensive- poor sleep, high degree of dependency -and emotionally intensive. You have to give up virtually all the free time and leisure activities you used to enjoy, and try and take pleasure from showing the world (as in life, nature, places etc) to your children instead. Everyone experiences that desire to just go for a pee alone, or have one uninterrupted cup of tea.
As your children gain more independence, you gain more time and opportunity to do things for yourself again, little by little.

But why not @Workhardcryharder ?

Societal expectations for mothers are so much higher than for men. And why? You're equal parents.

I think why @BrokenHipster is pushing this is when yet another mother makes the choice to be the default parent and the father useless, it's role modelling to the dc. And hey presto, 2 more dc who become adults with lower expectations for fathers than mothers.

I have two children, aged four and eighteen months. They are with me all the time unless I’m at work

Mine were with me ALL the time as I was a sahm. Imagine that.

It doesn't have to be years?? Take yourself off for a day out and leave the kids with your husband. I get where you're coming from, but I'm not sure why you can't decide to have some time to yourself (and it does get easier as they get older, my daughter is 7 and I feel like that stress started to lessen when she was about 5).

I feel you OP. I had 3 under 5 at one point and it was so hard. DH was good but working full time + travel so the majority was on me - constantly watching them, guiding them, pulling them apart, taking things off them etc etc forever!!!

But it doesn't last and it does get better! They're now much older, good company and now used to doing things with me like shopping and errands.

Hang in there - you're doing great!

Then you've got a crap husband and he's a crap father - that's nothing to do with having kids.

Why wouldn't you leave your kids with their father?? If he's so useless (or dangerous?), why are you with him?

Did you finish reading the rest of my comment? I wouldn’t leave them with him for things that weren’t “worth it”. LIKE for example, wondering round a market by myself which I used to enjoy. I save my spare time for going swimming. Or maybe going out for a meal with friends.

Goodness I feel like so many PP are missing the details of the thread 😅 parents don’t have endless spare time. Under 5s are HARD and you can’t just constantly throw them to your OH so you can do all the little things you want to do. You save that for the more important things like hobbies and socialising!

I have never felt like this as DH has the DC more than me.

Because he doesn't think his time is more important than mine.

I am fortunate though as he's not much of a social butterfly and we only have the one so the "maniac in an art gallery" phase was shorter.

Single parent here, I get it lol they will both be in school quicker than the teenage years so you can always book a day off and have a day to yourself exploring somewhere. I appreciate it's not spontaneous but it's better than waiting until they are adults. Even better if you can arrange a play date after school for both to give you a longer day

I get this. I had 2 DC 18 months apart. I then had a third when the others were 6&8. That feeling holding the baby, knowing I couldn't just 'nip' to the shops any more without having to prepare anything, strap in car seats etc, the fact I couldn't be without him for long as he was ebf. It took me a few days to remember and accept that I had a different amount of freedom again.

He's now 2, and I'm able to do things again now without too much fuss, but not browsing shops, enjoying catch ups with friends uninterrupted etc. Definitely gets easier once the youngest is school age. You do eventually get back to being an individual.

I hear you, OP. You're getting some smug answers, but I feel exactly the same.
I was naive as to how hard it would be, how much would be left to me. But it is more complex than the kids simply being with you all the time.
It is the spontaneity of life (lack of). The inability to ever truly "switch off" your parenting responsibilities.

Many people on the thread are taking your point literally. However, even when your children are with the other parent, or at school/nursery etc; you can't just go about your life as you did before, they're still "with you" mentally. You still have to worry about the logistics of their day, making sure you're back from work on time to get them from childcare for example. Worrying about one of them getting sick or having an accident, and whether you would be able to go collect them. Worrying they're misbehaving, worrying someone is being mean to them. Worrying if the baby will get the right nap time or if they'll be overtired and keep you up all night. The list of worries is endless and unfortunately part of motherhood that's often glossed over.

You can't just pop off for a weekend with friends as before. Even with the best father or support network in the world, you will still worry and have them on your mind if they're not with you. Life is no longer carefree. I think some mothers are wired differently and do find a way to switch off, but probably moreso when kids are older. I am told it gets easier in time.

I know exactly what you mean, OP. It's not until they are teens though, don't worry! Once they are at school, they are likely to have playdates with other kids, extracurricular activities in the evening, and also be old enough that they are not going to come to harm if you are not constantly paying attention.

Ok, that won't help you potter round a nice town, but it will give you more mental space, which may help you feel better about what you can't (yet) have. And if they join brownies/cubs etc, they may go off to camp or on day outings sooner than you think!

When my DC were about the age yours are now, I took up a hobby that I hadn't done for years. It's a team thing, so needed weekly attendance to avoid letting people down, and has occasional (like 1-3 a year) weekend trips (and sometimes the coach stops off for a break and we ... potter round a town!) I found this hobby really beneficial for the guaranteed regular break of non-work, non-kid time, and also for its own sake, and I still do it now mine are teenagers.

Ok let me explain. Your life is not identical to op’s life.

My kids are older now but I've been with them pretty much every day since they were born. We don't have family around and my husband used to travel a lot for work so it was often just me flying around between work and home.

I haven't read it all but one thing that has kept me sane is earmarking a few annual leave days a year for myself. Kids off to school or nursery when they were young and I'd go potter around the cute shops or have a leisurely lunch or whatever.

I got lucky that my daughter enjoys a lot of this too so we did it together now and again from when she was 8 or so. Now that she's 12 this sort of leisurely wandering is super fun with her. My son is another story and mostly enjoys running in circles while babbling about pokemon 😂

Your children are your new/forever hobby OP 😆

But in all seriousness I mourn my first labour date as the day I gave up being that version of me which is different to parent me. No one can prepare you for it. I still miss her and freedom she had.

As a parent your kids, especially in the early years come front and centre over and over again and you can kind of lose yourself in the thick of it.

I have a DH who is not around much so I do all the childcare. It’s not been perfect but we have a nice standard of living as a result of our split roles.

Over time all hope of spontaneity dries up and life becomes pretty routine as that’s what small children thrive on.

Youre very much in the trenches though when they are super needy at the ages you’ve mentioned. It doesn’t last. Life slowly opens back up again but it’s not quite like it was..

it gets easier but it’s always time measured. I remember going on holiday to a nice hotel that had a casual kids club by the pool. I could still see them but someone else was doing the entertaing. Kids 7 and 3 by then went off and made little crafty things for an hour or so and it was the first time I read a book in years! On a sun lounger. DH also rested too. It was like we could remember again who we were for a little while before the kids came.

Then they reach teen years and while you have quite a lot more freedom they still need feeding every night! And loads of washing need to go on and they need a lift here or there. I think that’s my biggest bugbear these days. What to cook for dinner 😆

So it’s still time measured but less pressure on you in some ways.

a few of my friends are further on still with kids at uni and this starts to look like a return to the old you but of course you are really quite different to the 30 something you were. Quite possibly menopause has happened or is happening, you’re in your 50s and you’re looking at the conveyor belt and wondering how to have the best last few decades possible, if life gives you that because by now, one or both your parents are frail, needy or sadly died and you have one or two friends have passed or are very unwell.

It’s quite the journey OP. Try to enjoy it all as much as possible if you can. It goes by in a blink. Enjoy your good health and the early years, before you know it you’ll have stroppy teens who won’t get out of bed before noon!

I honestly wish I had taken advantage of this more before having children.

I always felt I had to be doing something productive - why!?????

Should have done way more pottering/taken way more naps

Did you finish reading the rest of my comment? I wouldn’t leave them with him for things that weren’t “worth it”. LIKE for example, wondering round a market by myself which I used to enjoy. I save my spare time for going swimming. Or maybe going out for a meal with friends.

So for me, it is worth it. There is an extremely large amount of pleasure to be had in doing ordinary things without dc hanging off your legs.

You say dh isn't around much- how much? What does he do with his time?