To think always having the children with you is stressful?

[mistyfields]

I know people are going to say ‘well what did you expect’ kind of thing but honestly I didn’t really think about this.

I have two children, aged four and eighteen months. They are with me all the time unless I’m at work.

They are fine, nice children, very stressful together but not anything out of the ordinary. But … you can’t really do anything, can you?

I used to enjoy wandering around new places and looking at shops and cafes and restaurants, I can’t do that now because my toddler would cause mayhem. That’s not forever and my four year old isn’t too bad but even so I couldn’t relax and enjoy myself - I’d be constantly checking he hadn’t wandered off or picked up something he wasn’t supposed to and so on.

I know it sounds silly it’s just only really starting to occur to me that that’s it - I guess the time to be an ‘adult’ again happens when they’re teens, maybe?

It gets better before the teen years. I have four and once the older two were eight and six life was much easier and I could do fun things again. Life was so good I decided to have two more and I’m back in the trenches with a 3 year old! Life with teens and tweens is challenging in its own way but much easier I promise.

I accepted it and threw myself into it 100%. It makes a difference, your mindset becomes less about resenting what you once enjoyed but can no longer do and all about what you can do and enjoy at this new life stage. Manage your own expectations. Being 'on' all the time is exhausting, so build routines with activities that require less 'on' throughout the day.

What is important to you?
For me it was theatre so I started 'training' DD from 2 at tot specific shows how to behave at the theatre and now in her teens it's still something we love doing.
I also like eating out so started off in supermarket cafes 'Kids eat free' and eventually moved on to nice restaurants as she got older.

Once they hit 14 you can just leave them home alone and go galavant and do what you like for the day and they don't want to go with you anyway.

Im with you OP. We had a lot of empty promises of help and a few major changes around work during pregnancy so I was NOT expecting to have so little freedom. It's really hard. We went to Greece last year and looking at the people on carefree holidays was actually quite depressing as, now we don't have help, it probably will be at least 13 years until we can holiday like that again
😂.

Are you aware that school doesn’t start until a child is older than OP’s?

Hate people who are obtuse for the sake of it.

I think it’s better before teens though. My 4 year old I don’t worry as much as last year as at 3 he would have ran off still ie at pharmacy trying to get a prescription and he wouldn’t stand nicely. He would now. So by the time yours youngest is also 4/5 years I think slightly better.

This too shall pass. I remember feeling like that but now mine are 14 and 12 and I often go out for walks, lunch etc without them. But improvements came years ago. Once they're at school you suddenly get more time. Maybe you're working full time? If so, you could always book the occasional afternoon off work so you can do nice things on your own while they're at school. Also can your partner have them occasionally to give you a break? When mine were little DH would take them out for a few hours so I could have time alone.

YANBU but it does get easier when your youngest turns 3 or 4 to do nice things again. It’s not 100% the same as you’re still responsible but it’s much much easier.

I don’t have parents that will look after my children sadly so yes it’s hard to not feel envious of those that do. I drop my 3 to school, collect one at 11 then collect the others at 3 and have one home full time so yes find it impossible to get anything done. My older ones are teens but not any easier due to Sen. I can’t see a time it will get easier but it should do if there are no Sen etc.

I actually think DD was a better companion on general days out between age 7-11 she was very amenable and happy to do anything and go anywhere.

Now it's fine if it's something she is interested in but has to be worth her while as she has other options available to her that don't include me.

'' I used to enjoy wandering around new places and looking at shops and cafes and restaurants, I can’t do that now because my toddler would cause mayhem. ''

That's entirely down to you, if your toddler causes ''mayhem''!

I used to take son in his buggy and on foot to antiques fairs and auctions, and around shops in central London- he never caused a minute's worth of trouble. {He's grown now}.

There are really well behaved toddlers at restaurants and cafés, and this is due to their parent/s.

It's definitely possible to instil good behaviour in toddlers - They generally like being out and about, and one can add in fun things for them as well, like going to the Park for a run around.

Edited to say I had no help from family as we had to move out of London to afford a house.

Because who else would they be with when they're with her...?

I definitely think people who have a village are much happier, more relaxed and have better mental health.

Is it an option to get a childminder one evening a week? What about weekends? Is your family around?

Why should they always be with you though? It sounds like you view him as an occasional babysitter not an equal parent.
A massive perk of only one child is much easier to have more adult friendly trips plus you can trade off sometimes with another parent. Once they start going on trips with brownies etc then you get a weekend to yourself.

There are very well behaved children, but it isn't always down to the parents, not is poor behaviour.

Some children are naturally quiet and meek,and any kind of parent would have produced them. Some children are hyperactive or autistic or have tourettes it any other disability and no amount of "good parenting" would stop the child calling out, getting up when it's expected they sit still etc.

Rubbish. All children are different, regardless of parenting. You sound ignorant and smug.

@mistyfields you are not wrong 😆

Time is a completely different concept when you have children (especially if you are ever trying to get out the door quickly!)

Try to ensure that you do take time just for yourself though, it's so easy to put yourself last.

Enjoy them 🌻

Lol school isn't for 18 month old babies

Really 🙄

My children are generally well behaved but a shopping trip and meal out are entirely different with them around than if I can go alone/with other adults.

My friend's children are very good as well.

YANBU but this phase is over really fast, in hindsight at least. Mine are 17 and 14. I feel that I have so much of my old life back, plus I get to do things with my teenagers. When they were small I thought it would never end but it does and you can appreciate the freedom to leave the house alone so much more.

It will (can) get better way before teens- I'd say there's a step change in parenting intensity once the youngest one hits 3/4- so old enough to understand instructions/ consequences. They just become that bit more independent. When they get into primary years they'll start doing activities and playdates independently which gives you a bit of downtime (trade lifts like a boss for extra time). Once they get towards secondary you can leave them for short periods- it's the little things like being able to pop out because you need milk without getting everyone to come with you. Then they hit teens and basically disappear except when they need money or food.

Probably why it wasn't aimed at the person with the 18 month old, wouldn't you say?

I remember when mine were little, I used to fantasise about a non-urgent hospital stay
Now that they're teens, I have more freedom. But life is more problematic in other ways

Their dad, obviously?

Jesus, wtf is wrong with people here today? Such daft questions.

A sample size of your children and your friend's children doesn't prove anything either way, but thanks for the information