To think always having the children with you is stressful?

[mistyfields]

I know people are going to say ‘well what did you expect’ kind of thing but honestly I didn’t really think about this.

I have two children, aged four and eighteen months. They are with me all the time unless I’m at work.

They are fine, nice children, very stressful together but not anything out of the ordinary. But … you can’t really do anything, can you?

I used to enjoy wandering around new places and looking at shops and cafes and restaurants, I can’t do that now because my toddler would cause mayhem. That’s not forever and my four year old isn’t too bad but even so I couldn’t relax and enjoy myself - I’d be constantly checking he hadn’t wandered off or picked up something he wasn’t supposed to and so on.

I know it sounds silly it’s just only really starting to occur to me that that’s it - I guess the time to be an ‘adult’ again happens when they’re teens, maybe?

No matter how good your partner is, even if he literally has them all the time you’re both free so you’re free to do as you want, it’s still not the same as pre children and pretending it is is daft.

Do you talk to him about this @Iudncuewbccgrcb?

I'm not denying anyone's lived experience.

I see that stuff happening.

I've worked hard to fight it (not entirely successfully) for a long time now.

Ironically, I answered that in my previous comment, which you clearly also didn’t read! Because it’s not fair constantly lump your partner with all the childcare. I spend a lot of time swimming and socialising so it wouldn’t be fair to constantly dip out to town for a wonder or pop out to read a book in the park for example

@kiraric possibly you behave like the vast majority of dads?

It's obviously absolutely right to say time is at a premium post kids.

Of course it is.

One should share out the shortage though, as my little sis used to say.

We don't have hands on family. We have formed a kind of informal collective with the next door neighbours though. Downside is looking after their kids quite a bit, but they're not so bad when you can give them back.

@Phineyj I don't think I do. But I definitely don't recognise anything about @Iudncuewbccgrcb's post.

Neither of us are free to come and go as we like post children, DH never assumes I am default childcare, he will always ask me before he goes out or books something that involves me looking after the children

Of course it's not the same as pre children but we do find ways to create a bit of space and I make no apology for it. I don't feel like it has to be worthy or fitness related. This afternoon I said to DH "please take the kids out, they're driving me mad" and I just read a book and had a cup of tea.

I really don't feel The Guilt. Maybe I am a man.

I doubt that you have been able to (if you are a mother) continue with your life just as you did before you had children.

Your suggestions to the OP were to take annual leave to have child free time - unnecessary pre-motherhood. Pre motherhood my annual leave was used to do fun stuff not have a break from caring responsibilities.

Booking them into holiday clubs to have some spare time - unnecessary pre motherhood. Pre motherhood my spare cash was used to do fun things or buy nice stuff for myself not buy me time with my own thoughts for a few hours.

No ones calling you selfish for feeling able to organise time for yourself. The point is that as a mother you realise that it's on you to organise all that shit in order to have some time to yourself. It's inescapable.

No of course it's not the same as pre kids but my DH's life has been affected to exactly the same extent. My experience has not been anything like yours in that respect

And no I don't have to organise it all - my DH also books things, we take it in turns to organise dates including childcare, sometimes all I am doing is putting it in my calendar

OP I was replying to @BrokenHipster with my rocket science comment not you

I know; I think she was just trying to froth up a row to be honest. I interpreted your comment as ‘the meaning of the OP isn’t rocket science’.

Mmmm, it's definitely hard work having kids with you 24/7 but I wouldn't describe it as stressful. I only get stressed when I am unable to concentrate on something that needs to be done like filling out a form etc. It's the situation I'm in that makes me stressed rather than kids.. I dont think you are unreasonable to feel that way but I would be careful about saying that the kids are the source of the stress. When you look more closely (at least for me) it's actually other stuff on top of kids that is the issue. 🤷

I remember taking my kids to museums and various places, and thinking I’ll come back here on my own in 10 years and spend a bit more time here, visit that part of it etc. I still haven’t managed it though, even though they’re 15 and 19. I always seem to be working or giving lifts somewhere or sorting out various admin chores. So yes, basically life as you knew it is over!

OK, sorry, I didn't realise you were replying to me all the way from the 1950s, I wouldn't have bothered.

It's not childcare. It's parenting 🤦🏼‍♀️ The same as you do.

I know exactly what you mean. My youngest has just turned four and the threshold has dropped massively. Before if I went to the shops and left all three with him I might have a super quick window shop, or try something on that I needed to. Now I could spend an extra hour mooching around shops with a coffee without purpose and he wouldn't care and nor would I because they're playing at home and he's chilling out. Before I'd have weighed up going out with friends vs an aimless mooch because even though he's amazing and thoughtful I wouldn't do both. Now even taking them out places is much easier, everything is just that bit easier and as a result we're able to fit more in and get more time. They're older so we've gotten a network of babysitters too and get monthly date nights, and have a deeper bench. It's just all easier. So not until they're teenagers no.

They need to spend more alone time with their dad as part of their regular routine so you can be spontaneous.

Pick one day a month you always have free to yourself.

Leaving the children with your partner constantly isn’t parenting.

It comes down to the fact most of us don’t have a finite use of free time, no matter how hands on your partner is.

Thanks @Livelaughlurgy . I was thinking back to four years ago, newborn in lockdown, and thinking how in four years I’ll have a five and a half year old and eight year old and I imagine it will be vastly different then.

I don't think many posters are disagreeing with that - but you've already said you wouldn't like to leave them with your partner. So how do you know how you would feel if you had a good partner to do his share of solo parenting?

@Bumblebeestiltskin i think what I said was that it would not be fair to keep leaving them with him while I zip out here, there and everywhere.

I wouldn’t like it if he did it to me, and I can’t behave in a way I would object to.

the two of mine together are tough going and I wouldn’t do it for anything random like that. Plus a lot of the joy in things like that are that it’s sporadic was the exact quote, if that helps.

But you have the two of them all time on your own, yes? Why is it OK for you and not for him?

He does @Bumblebeestiltskin . But not all the time and not so I can jaunt out whenever I feel like it.

Look, I don’t want to sound like an arse here but it’s pretty obvious you’ve decided the situation is that DH won’t have the children together, ever, therefore I am stuck with them forever more.

In fact, I sometimes, occasionally admittedly, get out without them. But it’s not enjoyable. It’s rushed and frantic. Next week I’m having my hair done. Pre children, that would be a nice little day out in the city with some shopping and lunch / coffee / cake. Now it’s purely functional. But - to be honest, if you’re not accepting what I’m saying to you, it’s a pointless conversation. You’ll either accept I’m happy with DH as a parent or not.

It usually gets a lot easier, I had lovely times out with my children when they were primary school age. Hit and miss with moody teens.

No, I disagree, it seems more that YOU don't want to leave the kids with him, not that he won't. (I think the term martyr has been used by a couple of people?)

I said earlier in the thread that I understand, and that it started getting 'easier' in that respect with my daughter when she was around 5. Obviously you have two children, so it's probably harder, but I'm a single parent, so swings and roundabouts 😂

Martyr always gets used on here when women aren’t ignoring their children. I pay little attention to it.

Dh isn’t around in the week, so at weekends I apparently should be staying in a hotel Friday and Saturday night and partying on a Friday and going out on the Saturday and maybe deigning to pop back on Sunday. That isn’t what most people’s lives with little children looks like, and all the clamouring MNetters in the world will make no difference to that simple fact.