To think always having the children with you is stressful?

[mistyfields]

I know people are going to say ‘well what did you expect’ kind of thing but honestly I didn’t really think about this.

I have two children, aged four and eighteen months. They are with me all the time unless I’m at work.

They are fine, nice children, very stressful together but not anything out of the ordinary. But … you can’t really do anything, can you?

I used to enjoy wandering around new places and looking at shops and cafes and restaurants, I can’t do that now because my toddler would cause mayhem. That’s not forever and my four year old isn’t too bad but even so I couldn’t relax and enjoy myself - I’d be constantly checking he hadn’t wandered off or picked up something he wasn’t supposed to and so on.

I know it sounds silly it’s just only really starting to occur to me that that’s it - I guess the time to be an ‘adult’ again happens when they’re teens, maybe?

I did read the rest of your comment. And my comment still stands - why will you only leave your children with their father for things that are 'worth it'? What does that mean, exactly? Why can't/won't you leave them with their father at any time?

Yes, that’s it! It’s not that he wouldn’t have them but constantly expecting him to have them while I do what I like isn’t fair. So for example I have a Saturday ‘off’ next week to get my hair done, DH will have them, not a problem, but it’s a lot of work and I wouldn’t like him constantly zipping off and leaving me to it so I don’t do the same to him. Reading the rest of the comments now …

And I think of the things for me is I’ll have less time, not more, when DS starts school. I’m a teacher so I’ll have him with me all school holidays (and his sister once she starts!)

But surely if it makes you happy, it’s ’worth it? Not all the time, but I remember leaving all mine with their dad and having a day out at a craft show. he thought it was ‘worth it’ for me, and was perfectly capable of having a Saturday being Dad

I think perhaps as you approach that stage, budget for some holiday clubs.

I've always done that, at least for a few days here and there (I'm a secondary teacher).

It's important to have a bit of time to adult or just do stuff It's not suitable to take kids to.

It is, but as we know it’s not always straightforward to get a place, especially for reception.

They are pretty easy and lovely children, as children go, but every so often I am reminded of my past life if you like and like others on this thread I’m amazed I didn’t value it as I now do!

I know it will come back but it won’t be for a good while and by that point I’ll be a different person all over again.

The thing I have learnt about parenting is - there are no medals for martyring yourself.

You don't have to spend every moment either working or with your children, it's really fine to take some breaks.

Take a day off when they are in nursery - or as you are a teacher, keep them in for a day or two in the holidays

When they are school age, book them into some clubs for some of the holidays

When you go on holiday, use the kids club

Not saying you should ship them off every chance you get but a few days here and there can really make the difference for you and really aren't something the kids will care about or even remember

So on the days and evenings dh is off work, do you all four of you spend it together all the time? He doesn't go off and do anything just for him?

I don’t think I am martyring myself in the slightest. I work three days a week and I hold onto that. Weekends are mostly spent doing family things, swimming lessons, visits to national trust places and so on but I don’t hesitate to have my hair done or see friends. But life is not going to look as it did once for a good decade or more. Acknowledging that isn’t martyring myself. Little children are just a lot of work and I can’t just endlessly zip off every weekend and leave them with DH!

About the same amount of time I do, every few weeks or so.

I mean, are some posters determined that I’m in a horribly abusive relationship? I’m not, if that helps.

Yes I agree it’s hard work OP. My husband often works weekends and evenings so I’m often on my own with my two on weekends. It’s got easier as they have got older but it was initially a shock how hard going it was !

You will never get that carefree back. Even as teens they are in your head and invariably you need to be back to take them somewhere etc.
I’d definitely not fall into trap of assuming you’ll just have them in hols as you get no free time then. There’s lots of school holiday clubs and childcare. If you don’t need it to work you can access the cheaper 9-3 or 10-2 sort.

There aren’t lots of school holiday clubs everywhere, but in many ways it’s beside the point. I think it’s definitely a shift, and some posters have articulated it really well, it’s definitely a BC (before children) and AC.

they generally have grandparents active and willing to take the children.

I think that can make a huge difference to parenthood "experience" as it were.

Dsis could go away over weekend and my parents would have DN in contrast I was struggling to get help for medical appointments.

DH was around much more with pfb due to job during pg for second life threw curved balls we move DH then had longer hours and longer commute - same in third pg when he was then working away in the week. Even on holiday and day away still on all the time watching - it's just your normal. Then it changes as they age. I missed them now they're late teens and more off doing their own thing.

It gets easier before teens, mine are 6 and 8 and life is more fun and less relentless than it once was. I however have found it a struggle to balance finding social time for myself. I work full time and my husband works mostly evenings/weekends often he will work Thurs/Fri/Sat/Sun night and a day of the weekend too. We don't have help from GPs so that means I can't go out and socialise without them! I was very social prekids so this has been a real adjustment. One thing that has been brilliant is that we joined a local tennis club which runs a Friday evening sessions for the kids every week, I take the kids down, mingle with other adults and get some drinks in (normally an N/A beer because I'm driving but still feels fun 😊). I barely see the kids because they are playing tennis and then running around with mates and I've made some new friends. I think the key is to find something everyone can enjoy. Anyway - all to say - it gets much easier!

I have one 3 year old so we can somewhat muddle along together doing activities that aren't too painful for me. We go on bike rides, we visit museums, I can browse my own interests in the library while he looks at books, we can eat out in nice cafes and he behaves himself and enjoys it.

However... you would probably find the same if you only had your 4 year old, but as mine is an only child I probably have to deal with other things that you'll find easier as your toddler gets older. They'll likely play together and amuse each other where we rely on lots of play dates.

So it's a bit swings and roundabouts as to the benefits of having two young children or one. I think it'll pay off as they get older and you can hopefully relax more at home and leave them to occupy each other.

I had a conversation with a friend the other day and I said the thing I missed the most was not having to think about anything. Friend invites me out? Sure, give me half an hour to change/shower/grab a bag, whatever. Fancy a weekend away? Absolutely, if I've got the funds then why not?

These days everything is about well, we've got swimming practice Friday evening and gymnastics on Saturday, will someone be around to take them if I'm away/do bedtime/make sure homework is done on Sunday?

Appreciate my margins are different as I'm a single parent but the overall issue for me is the lack of adaptability, and the freedom to just do what I like without having to think about it.

God yes I felt that way. Days out were more often that not just really hard work. I'd have this idea of a lovely day out that would be fun and wholesome with the kids but it would end up in stress, tantrums, arguments and a lot of bribery. My DC are 10 and 7 now and honestly the last couple of years there's been a real shift. We love theme parks and travel all over as a family visiting different ones. They're great company and family time is enjoyable. It doesn't last forever and things certainly get better a lot sooner than the teens.

We get out a lot, and while it’s enjoyable it is very stressful! It’s preferable to staying in though. But I do think it’s very much geared to them and what they’ll enjoy and not me - if there’s something I enjoy and find interesting it’s kind of by accident.

It probably sounds like I mind and I don’t, honestly. I do sometimes like to think about things!

You get used to it! It is exhausting though. Even taking a shower has to be planned and managed. It's just a phase of your life which will pass, so embrace it. The first time I wasn't at work but didn't have my child with me it felt really strange and I didn't like it! It felt like I had forgotten something. My daughter has got to the age now where she is off out with her friends without any parents and I have suddenly got blocks of free time where I'm not having to drive her around everywhere or stay with her. This afternoon I've actually managed to sit on the sofa with a cup of tea and the dog curled up next to me!

Totally get it OP I feel the same way.
Yes I get small pockets of time when DH has them and I get to do something like get my hair done. But I’m always thinking I need
to get back after - I don’t have the freedom
to mooch about for a whole day. And there’s always a time limit - he took them
out for a couple of hours yesterday and I cleaned and vacuumed in a huge rush as I knew they’d be back again soon!
I miss the days of a lie in, maybe brunch out and a look about the shops SO MUCH!

I think it’s a bit different for people that have lots of family nearby. My BIL and SIL needed to go shopping for some new flooring the other day so dropped the kids off at the grandparents. We don’t live near enough to have that luxury so trying to do anything like that is a complete nightmare.

Yes, totally, on the very, very rare occasions I don’t have a child with me, or DH has one and the other is napping, I’m generally frantically trying to tidy and clean!

I'm disappointed by the amount of people who have come on this thread to try and deny the experience of the OP or tell her she's somehow doing it wrong. I'm sure her DP absolutely will look after the kids if needed/asked but it's the very fact that to even do the simplest things on your own as a mum you have to ask/organise for someone else to look after the children for you first and often it's just not worth the hassle for something 'trivial'.

My DP often tries to deny my experience in the same way (and it's infuriating) because he doesnt recognise that my experience is not the same as his and he feels we are equally free to come and go as we please. Indeed if I ever ask him to look after the children he does. But he doesn't appreciate that he never has to ask me to look after the children if he wants to get his haircut or nip to the shop- he just goes without a second thought because in his world unless he has specifically been asked to be responsible for the children he is otherwise free to do as he pleases.

He can have a shower or a poo, or a cup of tea, or disappear outside without someone needing him, seeking him out if they cant find him momentarily and shouting daaaaaad through the door.

No one asks him who is looking after the children if they see him out and about without them. He doesn't feel the need to justify any time he spends without them to anyone.

Most women just aren't selfish enough to behave in the same way. That doesn't make them martyrs it makes them normal adult mothers who realise that life changes after kids.

Eh, apparently I am just selfish! But I'm happy..

Well yes, but I’d rather use my “worth it” time for my fitness and socialising, so I miss the other things I used to do when I had ample spare time.