DD relationship with 50 yr old

[Bonniethecat1]

I have found out my DD is in sexual relationship with a man who turned 50 in August and she is not far off turning 25.. I think he is using her and how can I convince her to stop seeing him, she actually has admitted feelings for him, aibu to think this is so wrong? I can't stand this.

You weren’t giving your opinion, though.

You were condemning her.

Are you having a laugh?

Condemning who? The person I have a problem with is the 50yr old bloke.

All these posts saying 'myob she's an adult leave her alone etc etc'. We are allowed to have concerns about our kids whatever their age. We don't wipe our hands when they are 18 and shove them out the door saying do not ask my opinion ever again you are now an adult!

The op has to handle this carefully and sensitively but she has every right to be very concerned at this grubby man's appearance in her dd's life.

What do you find disgusting about an age-gap relationship? Do you think a man ought to be nor more than two years older than the woman? If so, why? It used to be said, better to be an old man's darling than a young man's fool. I've been both and I know which made me happy.

'used to be said, better to be an old man's darling than a young man's fool. I've been both and I know which made me happy'

What sexist nonsense!

Better to be an equal partner in a relationship of someone who isn't the same age as your parents sounds a bit better imo.

No, pointing out a fact......they have a 25 year age gap, she is never portrayed as disgusting.

She gets non stop derogatory comments online. Non stop.

I have heard many people portray their relationship as dodgy, especially because he was 15 and she was a teacher at his school when they first met.

Nothing much you can do.

This is the crux of it right here. You have to let it run its course.

Even more so becoming his carer when she is her 50’s or having children (if she wants them), without a father around?

if the issue is less age gap share what you have heard about him then it’s her choice.

It’s sad for you to see your Dd missing out on the joys of a youthful relationship. These have many positive, exciting and magical aspects for both partners to discover and share at the same time. Also there’s the worry if she marries someone that much older what will the relationship look like in the future. Will she have children, Will they be healthy, can an older man parent as well as a younger one and inevitably will there be elder care considerations for your Dd to shoulder when she’s still relatively young herself. All in all I agree it’s not ideal and you’re not unreasonable to hope it doesn’t last.

The injustice of him having lived his young life with other young people and now feels entitled to take your dds would infuriate me. Young men today are incredibly sensitive, caring and respectful in my experience. She stands much better chance of having a fair, equitable and balanced relationship with someone of her own age where she meets them as an equal.

It’s deeply uncomfortable that her fertility and youth is withering away on a man old enough to be her father, and she could be doing so much with her young life. I hope she comes to her senses soon op.

Can we stop with this "stealing her youth and motherhood" bullshit?

Nothing is being stolen from her. She is still young and having some fun. A man her age is just as likely to leave her a single parent IF SHE EVEN WANTS CHILDREN

Younger women are more and more chosing not to have children for a variety of reasons. It might be she has chosen an older man with children of his own so she can avoid the infant stage...

Exactly this.
Just the thought of him enjoying young womens bodies... urgh god I hated older creeps when I was that age. Leave the young women to the young men.

@MartinCrieffsLemon As a 50-year-old myself, I agree that she's wasting her youth on him and if I were a friend of his, I'd think that he should leave her alone. We've had our youth, let her have hers.

She isn't wasting her youth... she's having a relationship. It might fail. It might not. It's just like any relationship

@MartinCrieffsLemon Let's hope the scales fall from her eyes quickly, he should leave her alone.

I was 30 when I met my 51 year old partner. We’ve been together for 30 years, married for 16 years and have a 24 year old daughter. We couldn’t be happier. Sometimes things just work. He’s the best husband and Dad I could have ever wished for

You have to let her find things out for herself, make her own mistakes, her own choices and decisions and find her own way through. Has she had other boyfriends - probably, she'll make her own mind up about this one. At least she's told you. If you have a good relationship with her she'll come to you if she wants advice. It can't be easy for you, just weather the storm as best you can x

No I haven’t RTFT but can imagine all the internalised misogyny. He’s 50? Why can’t he find a partner his own age? I’ll tell you why, women his own age won’t put up with his shit.
OP all you can do is be there for her and the fallout after, my partners when I was younger were older than me and I can tell you now it’s a pattern they have. They choose younger women as they can exert control over them, your concerns are valid.

Op there's nothing you can do except make sure she knows you are there for her and maintain a close friendship with her.
I was 17 year old virgin who never had a boyfriend in school and ended up dating a 34 year old with 2 kids and a messy divorce. I say dating..now I can see he used me for sex as we didn't go out or do anything together, I never met his family and he dumped me on my 18th birthday. I was devastated!
My mum absolutely flipped out when she found out we were having sex as he was thier friend.
At the time though all that did was cause a huge rift between us and push me closer to him in rebellion. I moved out of my family home to my own place where once a week he would visit me for a few hours.
However now looking back I feel disgusted about the whole thing. Do I wish my mum had intervened more? Not really ...I was 17 and wouldn't have listened to her. I learnt a lot from that mistake but not until years later did I realise how gross it was.
On the other hand my best friend from college ended up with a guy who was much older, they got married and they are still together with a lot of kids! When I saw the wedding photos I thought her was her grandad!

I never expected it but my DP is 20 years older and I would never have thought he was when I first met him. He isn’t a doddery, wrinkly, grey man despite being in his 50’s, he’s fitter than I am! Neither of us were sure it was something that would last but still together 5 years on. We surprised each other that we actually share a lot of common interests and it is by far my most healthy and equally balanced relationship.
Not all 50+ men are past it and need looking after and he didn’t go looking for it to only be in it for one thing. Some are genuinely decent men who just happen to get on well with someone younger. It was actually me who ended up really ill and needed looking after and he did with no question.
My parents weren’t exactly thrilled about it when I told them either but whilst they might not understand it, they have left me to it and can see I am genuinely happy. They haven’t interfered and it hasn’t ruined my relationship with them.
It might last, it might not but is she happy? Does she generally have a sensible head on her shoulders?

'Not all 50+ men are past it'

Very true. However most people stick to their own generation for sex or else it does look weird and creepy. Great that you are happy but please ask yourself why he isn't looking for people of his own age.

If your parents split and your df appeared with a 20yr old I doubt you'd be thrilled regardless of how happy he was.

The PP is describing a 20 year age gap, the OP a 25 year one. Your example is probably at least a 35/40 year gap, so quite a difference.