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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have refused my DPs mate a lift home?

227 replies

LiftRefuser · 11/01/2025 21:13

DP and his mate are mid-40s. Last night, DP collected his mate from his house, drove back here and parked his car, then they both walked to the pub.

At 11.30pm, both come in the house, being loud and disturbing me, our 10 year old and toddler who was sleeping. I settled both kids and got back into bed. At midnight, DP comes bowling in and says I need to give his mate a lift home. It’s a 15 minute drive there, then the same back. I refused as I’d already been woken twice, was in my pyjamas, annoyed at the whole situation and frankly, couldn’t be arsed with an half an hour drive after a long weeks work at midnight.

DP was very put out at my refusal as ‘his mate’s wife would be really annoyed’ as he was meant to be back that same night. There are no taxis in our area at that time either, so he really had no way of getting home. I said I was sorry, but they should have thought of that before both getting too drunk to drive. His mate ended up staying over in the spare room and DP drove him back home earlier today. Apparently his wife had gone berserk at him.

DP is still pissed at me today and thinks it wouldn’t have been a big deal for me to do it and he would have done it for me / one of my mates.

AIBH?

OP posts:
CharliesAngels81 · 14/01/2025 08:53

What ever happened to just being friendly? Yeah could have been asked prior and nicer but is it worth all the aggro

TooManyChristmasCards · 14/01/2025 10:33

CharliesAngels81 · 14/01/2025 08:53

What ever happened to just being friendly? Yeah could have been asked prior and nicer but is it worth all the aggro

A bed in the spare room for the night is friendly enough

myplace · 14/01/2025 11:06

CharliesAngels81 · 14/01/2025 08:53

What ever happened to just being friendly? Yeah could have been asked prior and nicer but is it worth all the aggro

Why does OP have to be friendly to two drunks who woke her and her child up? Twice? I wouldn’t be friendly, I assure you.

And it’s not in to blame the wife. She’s allowed boundaries too. We don’t know what his form is, what their plans were the next morning and whether she was left to manage other responsibilities alone.

Codlingmoths · 14/01/2025 11:12

CharliesAngels81 · 14/01/2025 08:53

What ever happened to just being friendly? Yeah could have been asked prior and nicer but is it worth all the aggro

She let the drunks in didn’t she? Thats friendly in my book.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/01/2025 13:03

None of this is your fault or the wife's fault both me are both so entitled to just assume that they can go off and get drunk and you'll drop whatever you want to do like sleep which is reasonable at midnight. I hope your husband has washed and ironed and remade the bed in the spare room .

Flozle · 14/01/2025 16:28

Chuchoter · 11/01/2025 22:17

Nothing had been agreed beforehand so you had no obligation to give him a lift.

Your husband is nasty. The friend is a pillock. The wife is a fish wife.

You were right to refuse.

How is the other wife a "fish wife"?
She expected her husband home and instead he got drunk with no plans to get back. Not unreasonable to be annoyed.

latetothefisting · 14/01/2025 21:27

Flozle · 14/01/2025 16:28

How is the other wife a "fish wife"?
She expected her husband home and instead he got drunk with no plans to get back. Not unreasonable to be annoyed.

Show quote history

yeah this was a 'wtf' from me as well. Behold the internalised misogyny! There's no need to randomly insult the wife, it's got no relevance to what the OP is asking, and adds nothing to the thread. Just completely unnecessary.

Besides which the wife might be fully justified in going 'berserk.' Given OP said the friend was "supposed" to be home rather than just she "expected him" home there was probably a reason she was so annoyed - perhaps they had plans he ruined for the entire family or there was a history of drinking too much and he'd promised not to do it, or whatever, we don't know anything other than she was annoyed her husband didn't come home when he said he would, not sure how that makes her a 'fishwife.'

Pumpkinpie1 · 15/01/2025 09:18

Why did your h drive his mate home the next morning when he still had alcohol in his system ?
Mate should have walked , bus or his wife picked him up. What if your H had an accident whilst still intoxicated

Flozle · 15/01/2025 10:40

CharliesAngels81 · 14/01/2025 08:53

What ever happened to just being friendly? Yeah could have been asked prior and nicer but is it worth all the aggro

Because it's women's job to be friendly to men?

thepariscrimefiles · 15/01/2025 12:36

CharliesAngels81 · 14/01/2025 08:53

What ever happened to just being friendly? Yeah could have been asked prior and nicer but is it worth all the aggro

OP had already gone to bed. I can't believe that some people think that she should have got up, got dressed and driven her DH's friend home.

She was OK about him staying the night so I think she was friendly enough.

Nothanks17 · 16/01/2025 06:50

YANBU

However, if it was me - if this was a one off ask and I was told that the guys one night of letting go a bit would have him in such bad books if he didn't go home I would have just give him a lift home and then not do it again. If it's a common piss take then no chance.

At the same time I don't think they will assume again!

Luddite26 · 16/01/2025 07:21

Nothanks17 · 16/01/2025 06:50

YANBU

However, if it was me - if this was a one off ask and I was told that the guys one night of letting go a bit would have him in such bad books if he didn't go home I would have just give him a lift home and then not do it again. If it's a common piss take then no chance.

At the same time I don't think they will assume again!

Oh you are such a good un.

JumboMumbo3467 · 16/01/2025 07:31

I would be turning the tables and acting angry at him for disturbing you and the kids twice, for coming home drunk at such a time and then demanding you drive his mate home. He has no right to be angry at you next day, but you certainly have the right to be seething at him.
Besides, said mate can ring his own wife for a lift home if it’s such a big deal, what on earth has that got to do with you???? CF!!!
So no, you most definitely aren’t being unreasonable. DP needs to grow up realise you aren’t his Mummy!

MyLimeGuide · 16/01/2025 07:58

CharliesAngels81 · 14/01/2025 08:53

What ever happened to just being friendly? Yeah could have been asked prior and nicer but is it worth all the aggro

This is the antagoniser of the thread!! Husband is taking the piss.

Viviennemary · 16/01/2025 07:58

His wife should have picked him up or he could have phoned for a taxi.

viques · 16/01/2025 08:21

If the husband was too drunk to drive at midnight he was likely to be still over the limit this morning when he drove his friend home. Lucky he wasn’t picked up or had an accident where he needed to be breathalysed.

They obviously planned on waking the OP up for a lift since the friend had been collected from home.

Kidsrold · 16/01/2025 08:24

Chuchoter · 11/01/2025 22:17

Nothing had been agreed beforehand so you had no obligation to give him a lift.

Your husband is nasty. The friend is a pillock. The wife is a fish wife.

You were right to refuse.

Or maybe the wife has work in the morning, has toddlers that need dropping at nursery or any number of perfectly legitimate reasons for being pissed off. What is this, the 1950s.

Lightswitchup · 16/01/2025 08:28

No fucking way and I’d be raging at being woken up in the first place.

lanthanum · 16/01/2025 08:28

"DP is still pissed at me today and thinks it wouldn’t have been a big deal for me to do it and he would have done it for me / one of my mates."

Perhaps you should test this out at some point.

NewFriendlyLadybird · 16/01/2025 08:31

Shushquite · 11/01/2025 21:17

I don't think either one of you covered yourself with glory. Unless it is a regular thing your partner does. Or it was unsafe because of the icy conditions.

Really?

user1492757084 · 16/01/2025 08:33

How often do they behave like 20 year olds?
You were not unreasonable.
Why did they not phone and ask his wife earlier or ask you earlier?
You going meant that your children were home with a drunk person. Did the friend also have children at home who would have been woken?

Rosscameasdoody · 16/01/2025 08:39

They clearly planned it when your DH picked him up. But they didn’t ask you. So, no, absolutely no obligation on your part OP. And l would be fairly pissed off at DH waking you and the kids at that hour, waiting until you’d settled them down and got back into bed, and then expecting you to get out of bed and dressed at midnight to take his mate home. The rudeness and entitlement are off the scale.

JoanCollinsDiva · 16/01/2025 08:43

At midnight, DP comes bowling in and says I need to give his mate a lift home. It’s a 15 minute drive there, then the same back

Bloody hell, who the hell does that? My dh would never in a month of Sundays...!

You have a massive dh problem as they say - the fact he even felt he could storm into your room at midnight demanding a life for his friend and moaning at you afterwards - I can imagine what the dynamic is like in your household.

LookingforMaryPoppins · 16/01/2025 08:46

LiftRefuser · 11/01/2025 21:13

DP and his mate are mid-40s. Last night, DP collected his mate from his house, drove back here and parked his car, then they both walked to the pub.

At 11.30pm, both come in the house, being loud and disturbing me, our 10 year old and toddler who was sleeping. I settled both kids and got back into bed. At midnight, DP comes bowling in and says I need to give his mate a lift home. It’s a 15 minute drive there, then the same back. I refused as I’d already been woken twice, was in my pyjamas, annoyed at the whole situation and frankly, couldn’t be arsed with an half an hour drive after a long weeks work at midnight.

DP was very put out at my refusal as ‘his mate’s wife would be really annoyed’ as he was meant to be back that same night. There are no taxis in our area at that time either, so he really had no way of getting home. I said I was sorry, but they should have thought of that before both getting too drunk to drive. His mate ended up staying over in the spare room and DP drove him back home earlier today. Apparently his wife had gone berserk at him.

DP is still pissed at me today and thinks it wouldn’t have been a big deal for me to do it and he would have done it for me / one of my mates.

AIBH?

Why didn't the "mate" call his wife to collect him?

Rosscameasdoody · 16/01/2025 08:46

CharliesAngels81 · 14/01/2025 08:53

What ever happened to just being friendly? Yeah could have been asked prior and nicer but is it worth all the aggro

Not womens’ jobs to be friendly to men who have rocked up drunk, woken them and their kids, and then expected them to just get out of bed and get dressed to drive one of them home. And yes, definitely worth the aggro if it sends the message not to do it again.