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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have refused my DPs mate a lift home?

227 replies

LiftRefuser · 11/01/2025 21:13

DP and his mate are mid-40s. Last night, DP collected his mate from his house, drove back here and parked his car, then they both walked to the pub.

At 11.30pm, both come in the house, being loud and disturbing me, our 10 year old and toddler who was sleeping. I settled both kids and got back into bed. At midnight, DP comes bowling in and says I need to give his mate a lift home. It’s a 15 minute drive there, then the same back. I refused as I’d already been woken twice, was in my pyjamas, annoyed at the whole situation and frankly, couldn’t be arsed with an half an hour drive after a long weeks work at midnight.

DP was very put out at my refusal as ‘his mate’s wife would be really annoyed’ as he was meant to be back that same night. There are no taxis in our area at that time either, so he really had no way of getting home. I said I was sorry, but they should have thought of that before both getting too drunk to drive. His mate ended up staying over in the spare room and DP drove him back home earlier today. Apparently his wife had gone berserk at him.

DP is still pissed at me today and thinks it wouldn’t have been a big deal for me to do it and he would have done it for me / one of my mates.

AIBH?

OP posts:
BigDahliaFan · 12/01/2025 08:28

If I liked the mate and wasn’t actually asleep I might have done….but it’s so unlikely my DH would have asked unless it was an actual emergency. Just because he got pissed and didn’t think about how he was going to get home, no.

thepariscrimefiles · 12/01/2025 08:29

Shushquite · 11/01/2025 21:17

I don't think either one of you covered yourself with glory. Unless it is a regular thing your partner does. Or it was unsafe because of the icy conditions.

OP had stayed in to look after the children and was already in bed in her pyjamas. Why on earth should she have to get up again (having got up twice already to settle her children) to give a lift to a man who didn't even think to make arrangements to get home before getting too drunk to drive. How on earth is OP not covering herself in glory?

Maybe if she had refused the lift and refused to let her DH's friend stay the night you might have had a point, but she didn't.

WatchOutMissMarpleIsAbout · 12/01/2025 08:36

I’ve done it when I’ve been awake but never once I’ve gone to bed. Difference is dh does it for me and my mates also. Also we ask in advance. So we are aware that it may be a possibility.

lottiegarbanzo · 12/01/2025 09:02

What plan had they made to get him home? This just makes no sense. Like a pair of particularly scatty teenagers.

Then resorting to 'Mum, muuuum. You're the grown-up, we don't know what to doooo, help us, pleaaase!'

Except they don't seem to have said please. Or acknowledged what a pair of twits they've been.

Valeriekat · 12/01/2025 09:06

Shushquite · 11/01/2025 21:17

I don't think either one of you covered yourself with glory. Unless it is a regular thing your partner does. Or it was unsafe because of the icy conditions.

Why is it the OPs problem?

Tia86 · 12/01/2025 09:07

I think they made an assumption that one of the women would drive the one man home.
Clearly the friend should have thought more about how he was getting home if he had been picked up and then been drinking. I think he either assumed his wife would come and collect him, and when that failed, your husband volunteered you. I think the friend was lucky you had a spare bedroom and were willing to let him stay after he, along with your partner, made a noise coming in.

Lemonyfuckit · 12/01/2025 09:13

I think it depends how I was asked / how appreciated I felt in general / how much give and take there was in general. It sounds like there was no forewarning and your H 'told' you you needed to, which is v rude. I would probably be minded to do as a favour to my DH because it's the sort of thing he would do for me (but it would be a request with an acknowledgment this was a kind thing putting myself out, there would be gratitude (I don't mean grovelling undying gratitude just general consideration for each other) and probably would have been discussed and asked in advance).

Velvian · 12/01/2025 09:16

There is no way my DH would ask me this after I had been in bed and asleep. They've woke the DC up too, that's not on. He has no cause to be in a mood with you.

He sounds pretty selfish, is it his choice that he is a DP rather than a DH?

gannett · 12/01/2025 09:18

As someone who's been in a lot of late-night boozing sessions in my time, it's just so bizarre to me that anyone would do that without knowing how they'll get back home under their own steam. I'm sorry but if all the chaotic 20-somethings at all those house parties I went to back in the day can manage that, a grown-arsed 40-something man should be able to.

Under no circumstances would I have given this guy a lift. That said plenty of friends have crashed on our sofa in this situation and none of them are in relationships where their partner would have gone mad at them the next day.

WomenInConstruction · 12/01/2025 09:21

Should have consulted you, clearly you were intended to be the taxi all along.

Shouldn't have pissed you off by being inconsiderate in a house with small children in it, so you had to deal with that.

Didn't like the result. Well boohoo.

Don't like your wife being cross with you, pay for a taxi.

If your DH fails to appreciate the above and prefers to blame you/ make you feel like shit then he can take a long walk off a short pier.

Dicks. The pair of them.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 12/01/2025 09:21

Hugely entitled and presumptuous from the pair of them. Your DH is a rude twat.

PiastriThePastry · 12/01/2025 09:23

If it had been arranged in advance, they’d been considerate with their noise levels when they came in and my husband wasn’t being a sulky twat to get what he wanted, I probably would’ve agreed to give a lift as a one off, but literally nothing about this situation would make me feel even the slightest bit helpful! You’re not in the wrong op.

BarbaraHoward · 12/01/2025 09:28

No fucking way.

If I was friends with the other couple too and it was a rare thing, then if asked nicely in advance I would do it because taxis are a nightmare here too.

But no notice when I was already in bed and pissed off? Not a hope.

QuimCarrey · 12/01/2025 09:30

I would not be allowing DP to be the pissed off one in the house today. In our house, it would be him on the end of any aggro after that performance, not me.

rwalker · 12/01/2025 09:32

Not great but to me driving someone home is the preferred option rather than have them stay

I like a quiet life so no big deal think I’d be more stressed about not doing it

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 12/01/2025 09:33

So he parked his car at your house, they both went out drinking until late. Your partner drove mate home ?likely over the limit).
Why didn't mate drive himself home in parked car?

SleepyHippy3 · 12/01/2025 09:43

I bet you anything that the OPs husband said to his mate „”yeah, don’t worry. I’ll get the missus to drive you home”. And the mate responded with „”are you sure?”, and then the OPs husband responded „”oh yeah, no worries, of course she’ll do it”. I’ve been volunteered like that, by my partner, before. So annoying.

BellissimoGecko · 12/01/2025 09:44

Did dh ask you beforehand to give his mate a lift home? If not, how did the mate plan to get home?

Yanbu. They were loud and pissed and woke you AND the dc, and you had to settle them.

They are adults and should have worked out how to get home.

Jl2014 · 12/01/2025 09:46

Can’t believe he would even ask. Massively unreasonable from him.

Phthia · 12/01/2025 09:52

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 12/01/2025 09:33

So he parked his car at your house, they both went out drinking until late. Your partner drove mate home ?likely over the limit).
Why didn't mate drive himself home in parked car?

I read that as saying that OP's DP parked his car, as it says he collected his mate.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 12/01/2025 09:53

If it was prearranged then fair enough but yanbu

etonmessedup · 12/01/2025 10:06

Is he mad?! If I'd been asked ahead of time and it was at a reasonable hour I would consider it. If it was sprung on me when I was in my pjs and in bed, absolutely not!

The only exception I can think of is if there was some kind of emergency like his child was very sick or the mum was.

He's probably so cross because he told his mate it would all be fine and you'd do it, so he messed up.

Not your problem and I'd be giving a very short shrift if he implied it was my problem again.

Shinyandnew1 · 12/01/2025 10:18

Your DH has got to mid 40s without ever doing anything like this before?

Member984815 · 12/01/2025 10:22

I remember a time my dad's friend wanted my mom to drop him home after a night out, couldn't call his own wife because they had a baby and he didnt want to wake her , my mom said no she had a baby same age and 4 other kids at the time . She was fuming .

olympicsrock · 12/01/2025 10:27

YANBU - you were kind to let him have a bed for the night. Why should you get out of bed to drive in the icy conditions

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