My partner not wanting my mum to see my new baby

[Joelm1066]

I have recently had a baby boy with my partner. We have been together for six years. In the course of our relationship she has not got on well with my mother. My mum can be a bit tactless, but she has a good heart. However, my partner wants very limited contact with her despite my mum reaching out and trying to improve relations between them. After 6 years I have come to accept that she doesn’t want regular contact with her. However, since the birth of our child 8 days ago, she is insisting that she wants to wait at least a month before my mum sees the child even though he has met all of her close family and close friend. She says that it is because she only wants contact with people she’s comfortable around, but I think I have a right to introduce my child to his grandmother sooner than a month. AIBU?
It’s causing me a great deal of sadness and stress at a time when I should be happy. I don’t really know what to do.

Heaven fucking forfend that men aren’t prioritised in every single situation known to humanity.

How selfish are you to think that?
I hate mumsnet sometimes.
Everyone is quick to shout it takes a village - but only the village that’s blood relatives to the mother.
Selfish Selfish Selfish.

It's not a silly question. To some people, they value their partner and their opinion just as much as their own. So they don't try and jump in and it need to be all about them.

Tell that to the midwives, health visitors and doctors who deal with mothers after giving birth. Bit of a sweeping statement to assume that grandparents must meet the baby and if you refuse you’re ‘batshit’…

It depends who birthed the baby. Do not remove a baby from their birth parent without them consenting to it. Baby and mother will be very attached at the moment especially if they are breastfeeding.

The best solution would be to negotiate your partner going upstairs for a nap when MIL comes round, but if they are not willing to do that, MIL will just have to wait.

As much as you love your mother, her and her feelings should not be your priority right now. Personally, I love my MIL (most of the time!) and happily let her meet DD straight away before my own mum, but if I hadn't felt up to it, and my DH tried to force it on me, there would have been hell to pay.

It should be a cold day in hell when you are told your mum can't see your baby. You need to put a stop to this at once. The more you give in the more he and his mum will control you. It might be good to start getting your ducks in a row.

Why selfish? Because the mother doesn’t want her nightmare mil near her and her newborn right after birth? Good for her for having boundaries.
Absolute nonsense about it only being relatives of the mother. My MIL is a wonderful grandmother, my mother is complete shite and I have never and would never leave my kids unattended with her. So take your assumptions elsewhere.

Do not, under any circumstances, take a newborn baby away from their mother - that’s a recipe for absolute disaster.
It’s been 8 days and I highly suspect you are minimising what your DM is really like.

Oh right partner who gave birth then. Whoever carried the baby? OP types as if it could have been either of them so unclear.

I voted YABU, based on I got the impression that it was your partner who gave birth (please correct us if we're wrong).

YABU because your partner is going through serious changes to her body. She'll be swollen, in pain, and her hormones will be all over the place. Right now, she only wants to be in the company of people that she's comfortable with.

She clearly has issues with your mother, no one who has just given birth wants to be around an in-law that they don't get on with.

Waiting a month for her to recover from the birth, baring in mind it takes 6 weeks to establish breastfeeding too, is more than reasonable. My own mother only met my children when they were 3 weeks old, and my Dad only met them when they were 3 months old. And I have a good relationship with my parents, we just don't live in the same country.

I do feel that it's unfair to rush your partner when she's very vulnerable right now. If she is the one that gave birth, she's the one who has gone through the massive life change, much more so than you have. Therefore, in my view she gets to give the go ahead on how soon various people come to visit.

I see some posters have suggested that she's controlling, I disagree. It's important for your post-partum partner to feel comfortable right now, she's protecting her comfort and new found role as a mother. If you as her partner push her on this, or just take baby to meet your mum without her, your partner will resent you for not supporting her. Please do not separate newborn baby from mum as other posters are suggesting, that is the ultimate cruelty that a partner can do to their post-partum partner.

Your mum should be respectful and wait until your partner is ready and one month certainly is not unreasonable.

Read the OPs posts again - it’s his mother. And his partner is 8 days postpartum.

And some women have difficult DILs who expect their version of events to be taken as the gospel truth when the reality of probably more 50/50.

If I were you I'd say "oh boohoo, she's coming to visit for a short while". Maybe not in those terms, but bloody hell, I bet your partner likes to make everything difficult. It's really not a big deal, she needs to get over her want to block everyone from her life if she feels slightly uncomfortable around them.

Normally I'd be more sympathetic but after reading your final paragraph from your follow-up post, I have lost it all. Your mum is going to be in her life forever, she ain't going nowhere.

Your partner is being controlling and manipulative.
Don't be surprised if after the one month exclusion is up, she comes up with another excuse.

Oh fgs, it's not laughable at all. It's horrible, controlling and nasty. The fella wants his mum to see his baby!! How cruel of his partner to deny him that joy and to deny his mum the joy of meeting her grandson.

What is wrong with you? And if "it's not like that now", then it's shite and unforgiveable.

Would you in turn like to be banished from meeting your grandchild for weeks? It's actually unnatural.

@Joelm1066 I do not think the MIL is innocent here! on mumsnet, everyone has a different point of view and some believe that when mils think it should be their way or the highway and if mil's interfere to a dreadful extent cut them off is the usual cry so why is the new mum being berated now???? why is the OP allowing his not so innocent mother all the benefit of the doubt and why is OP not standing up for the new mum???

A decent person does.

Just no. The new mum is being totally unreasonable and making the new dad unhappy. Doesn't she GAF about his happiness? She is spoiling a really special time!

It's not clear who is the one who gave birth OP or their partner. Or OP's sex

Utter nonsense.

This young man is upset because he wants to show his son off to his mother, which is not too much to ask!!!

which man?

I only have one word for her behaviour: barbaric. The baby is not just the possession of his mother. The baby is everyone's and nobody's. He is himself. And he has a family.

It is entirely wrong for her to think she can dictate that his grandmother should not meet him. Tbh I myself would be taking advice from a solicitor. I find this very bad. The child has a right to know and be loved by all of his family. Without his grandmother, he would not be here, and nor would you. His mother needs to appreciate that.

Refusal is batshit, mean, nasty and controlling.

I have no idea what the midwives, HVs and doctors have to do with it!!!?

Which man do you think?

The baby's father obviously!