My partner not wanting my mum to see my new baby

[Joelm1066]

I have recently had a baby boy with my partner. We have been together for six years. In the course of our relationship she has not got on well with my mother. My mum can be a bit tactless, but she has a good heart. However, my partner wants very limited contact with her despite my mum reaching out and trying to improve relations between them. After 6 years I have come to accept that she doesn’t want regular contact with her. However, since the birth of our child 8 days ago, she is insisting that she wants to wait at least a month before my mum sees the child even though he has met all of her close family and close friend. She says that it is because she only wants contact with people she’s comfortable around, but I think I have a right to introduce my child to his grandmother sooner than a month. AIBU?
It’s causing me a great deal of sadness and stress at a time when I should be happy. I don’t really know what to do.

If other family and friends are allowed to see baby then your mum should be allowed too.

This smacks of controlling behaviour and will only get worse unless you put your boundaries in place too.

It could me jo el m 1066.

Jo and El met in 1066. Or something..

My comments aren't the ones that are.

HTH even more!!!

Jesus.

I disagree, many post-partum women would feel fine having her own family members in her home whilst she's in her dressing gown and still in pain with a swollen vagina. Just like many women love to have their own mums around them when they are unwell. Having someone else's family around you when you're unwell, or in pain and post-partum is very different. There's no way I'd want in-laws or someone I'm not that fond of to see me in such a vulnerable state at one of the most vulnerable times of a woman's life. This woman is 8 DAYS post-partum FFS, I wish people would give her a bloody break. The poor woman can't even rely on her partner for support because he's making it all about him and his mum, rather than supporting the woman who just birthed his child and caring about HER needs.

Op still hasn't clarified which one of them gave birth. It's so frustrating how hetronormative people are on this thread.

I'm assuming you're not a maine coon cat..

I think you need to find a simple gentle way to introduce baby to your mum e.g take him for a walk in a pram and meet with her. I don’t think that your mum is so bad but she is definitely the type difficult to have around when you just gave birth and hormonal and not confident in yourself.
Your partner doesn’t feel confident enough to handle your mum that’s why she goes into the other extreme - don’t see her at all. So I think the way to do it is to introduce baby slowly with little involvement from your partner but at the same time give her some control so if she agrees for 15 minutes visit/ walk stick to the timing and don’t make it 17.
Of course you are right that your mum can see your baby if you want to but do you want to insist on your way or resolve it nicely? I guess the latter. And your mum needs to learn how to keep her mouth shut and respect other people’s ways because not doing these landed her in that place now. She sounds like my mum in a way and believe me I struggled with her visits when my Dd was born.

...reading some of these responses I'm taking notes on how not to behave when my son grows up.

It's quite telling who may have issues with their DILs.

So long as the OP's DM is not abusive/insane/dangerous, then it doesn't really matter what she is like. By the account, she has pulled back and tried to be conciliatory, to work with and not to be difficult. She has held out the olive branch. She has learned.

It is not easy, to have another woman give birth to your son's child. Everything is always weighted in the mother's direction, and it is different if you own daughter gives birth. Yes, totally understandably, respectfully and rightfully so. But the mother then really does need to make sure she give full respect to the father's mother.

My daughter's father's mother stood next to me throughout the entire birth of our daughter. She drove 28 hours across Europe to be by my side. She was the first person to hold my daughter. And even though I may not align with her on every point, I am beyond grateful to her.

Never ever stand between the love of others and your child. Let your child be loved.

I'm not usually quite so strident as this, but I really feel it.

I see the MIL from hell are out in force on this thread tonight. So a woman who has just given birth is “unreasonable”, “controlling” etc. right ok then. Did someone actually just post something along the lines of “the child isn’t her possession.” Referring to an 8 days post partum baby who is likely getting settled into breastfeeding?
How would you have felt having your week old child taken from you by your partner I wonder?

I was referring to the idiots suggesting the OP just took the baby from its mother.

I think it's the DIL from hell actually.

I don't believe the baby should be taken from his mother, but I think she should permit the baby's grandmother to have a short visit. It wouldn't kill her and it would make the new dad happy.

How about you suggest the comprise of taking baby out by yourself for one hour or so? Then meet your mother on that walk. Let your partner know this plan.

I don't know who you are having a crack at here but I don't have a DIL. I don't know who does or doesn't.

It's only human to want your mother to meet your baby unless there is a terrible relationship. The OP said his mother has a kind heart, and I am sure it's breaking to be excluded in a way that the baby's mother's family has not been.

Have you read the OP’s post detailing what a nightmare his mother is? If you don’t think it’s commendable that the mother of the baby is putting in boundaries to protect herself from her, well, that’s a reflects the kind of person you are.
I would have no qualms whatsoever in preventing toxic people from being around me after giving birth. I don’t care if they’re relatives. It’s not unnatural. It’s actually very natural that this new mother has boundaries in place to protect herself and her newborn straight after birth. It’s very damaging to suggest that a new mother’s wishes and instincts should be ignored or to tell them it’s unnatural.

I am.

I'm assuming that you are neither Lego nor bingo.

What kind of post is that????!

Yeh I guess it could, but what’s your point? The OP didn’t give birth.

How is he going to do that if the baby is being breastfed? He is an 8 day old newborn, he can't just be taken away from his mother!

@ttcat37 exactly. Thank you.

I totally and fundamentally disagree with you.

Please do not comment on me personally because you know fuck all about me. I guess your only argument is to attack in a personal way.

It's not only her baby. I hope you get treated like this some day and maybe then you will eat your words.

Are you always this dramatic? Good grief, it reads to me like a clash of personalities, hardly toxic and forever damaging like you’re trying to make out.
OP is entitled to have his mum in his home to meet his child. OPs partner can make herself busy upstairs or in another room for an hour or so.
OPs mum was not toxic when his partner needed somewhere to lodge it seems 🧐

As much as I love my ds, this is a prime example of why I would have loved a dd. I will be a MIL who almost always seem to pull the short straw when it comes the grandchildren.

I’ve seen it happen in my own family and the majority of my friends.

Yep! When I found out I was having a son I thought "I'm going to be that MIL one day...". How depressing.

Not if OP's partner is breastfeeding he can't! The baby is only 8 days old! He can't take a newborn from its mother's breast! The mother is the one who gets the final say, she is the one who carried and gave birth and now breastfeeds!