My partner not wanting my mum to see my new baby

[Joelm1066]

I have recently had a baby boy with my partner. We have been together for six years. In the course of our relationship she has not got on well with my mother. My mum can be a bit tactless, but she has a good heart. However, my partner wants very limited contact with her despite my mum reaching out and trying to improve relations between them. After 6 years I have come to accept that she doesn’t want regular contact with her. However, since the birth of our child 8 days ago, she is insisting that she wants to wait at least a month before my mum sees the child even though he has met all of her close family and close friend. She says that it is because she only wants contact with people she’s comfortable around, but I think I have a right to introduce my child to his grandmother sooner than a month. AIBU?
It’s causing me a great deal of sadness and stress at a time when I should be happy. I don’t really know what to do.

The fact your partner tends to block people rather than work through any conflict is the key thing here, for me. The only women I have ever known to do this are emotionally abusive narcissists. It's patently unfair of her to let her own mother see the baby and not yours. If she's feeling too vulnerable or antisocial or whatever she can just sit in the next room/bedroom surely so she's on hand for baby feeding if needed.

I dunno about that. Jo Elm could easily be a woman.

Which one gave birth? Your partner is being unreasonable though. You shouldn't let them control you like this, and upset your Mother.

I’m N/C with my MIL. Like other posters I’d be curious to know how she’s been tactless in the past.

The definition of tactless is:

adjective

1. having or showing a lack of skill and sensitivity in dealing with others or with difficult issues.
2. "a tactless remark"

Similar:
insensitive
inconsiderate
thoughtless
unthinking

Tbh I wouldn’t want to be around somebody soon after birth who fitted that description. Honestly, when you’ve just given birth you feel at your most vulnerable but also most protective. I love my husband and I love being married to him but I genuinely thought of disappearing in Brazil because I hated the idea of his mother having access to me/my child.

However, it helped that he wasn’t her greatest fan and was 100% on my side. Very ‘when the time is right for you and not a second beforehand’ - she did something unforgivable but was a difficult old witch beforehand. The only reason she had limited contact with DD/DH is because he still wants a relationship with his younger siblings. I have to put DD straight in the bath after she’s had contact with her as I hate smelling the old hag on her. It makes my blood boil.

anyho, as somebody who is NC with MIL but MIL has contact with DD I can offer you this advice (I have always remained upstairs during her visit):

• read the riot act to your DM. Absolute no unwanted advice/best behaviour/no tactless comments.
• confirm with DP that MIL won’t be tactless going forward or she knows she’ll have to leave etc.
• stick to a timeframe how long your DP would be happy for MIL to visit/how long for the baby to be away for.
• leave the ball in DP and hopefully she’ll come around to the idea herself that MIL being over for an hour whilst she takes a bath isn’t the end of the world.

In this context, it's more like to be a man.

OP sounds absolutely terrified of his (assuming male) partner and is tiptoeing around her demands and temper.
Red flags OP, Big red flags

Seeing as his partner gave birth 8 days ago, I'm assuming that she's a woman!!!!

Your mum gives unsolicited advice, and slightly judges people who don’t care about the environment?
These are the intolerable reasons why your partner doesn’t like your mum?
And your partner was friends with your mum and then frosted her out ? And now she is prepared to be incredibly cruel to YOUR MOTHER just because she is in a position of power?
And she cuts people off for the smallest of reasons?

Jesus - brace yourself, this woman is going to crush you. She sounds extraordinarily unkind.

I meant assuming the OP is a male (as I had used ‘his’). It could be a same sex relationship.

Gotcha - I was confused!!

It's a newborn, get a grip noone in their right mind is carting a newborn off to be shown round to extended family who aren't even friendly to the mum. How is that remotely in the babies best interests.

Congratulations on your new baby.
I find this situation incredibly sad. I wonder how she would feel in years to come if your son has a baby and his partner refuses to let your partner meet her grandchild?

This baby is both of yours and if she cares about you then she should understand you would want to introduce your baby to your mother. You are allowed to show off how proud you are too. The petty power plays and possessiveness are spoiling such a precious time that you can never regain.
I think your mum has helped you both a lot and from what you say, nothing unforgivable so she doesn’t deserve this (actually unforgivable) cruelty.
I hope things change for you all.

Yabu to have a child with her knowing she is awful about your poor dm. What did you expect to happen. She's been shut out.

Don’t be ridiculous, it sounds like a silly tiff and the mother is trying to punish/hurt the grandmother over it by not allowing her to see the baby, the birth mother is in the wrong here, how would it negatively affect the baby to see it’s grandmother? What utter nonsense!

We can agree to disagree.

You believe it’s controlling to ask for a month after giving birth to before having in-laws to visit who are tactless, condescending and annoying (@Joelm1066’s words about their own mum).

I’ve (perhaps wrongly) assumed OP has never given birth and it’s their first child. So, I was giving some insight, which I thought may be helpful. IMHO (and health advice) it’s not unreasonable for a postpartum woman to ask for 4 weeks to recover from the birth and settle with her baby. She’s only asking for 4 weeks. And, as my post outlined, hormones are only one issue postpartum.

@mainecooncatonahottinroof You may’ve been up to visitors (other than your mum) at home soon after birth. Many women aren’t. Especially if it’s someone who makes them stressed. Postpartum, it’s important women don’t feel pressured. Especially if they have tears or stitches that need to heal, where lying down rather than sitting is preferable. OP’s said nothing about how the birth went (some women have birth trauma), about their DP’s background (she may have previously experienced the loss of a child) or current mental state (onset of PND, which should be taken v seriously).

But, of course, if postpartum women want to have certain visitors coming to their home and to show their baby off, as you did, that’s fine. This woman doesn’t.

So your DP was happy to lodge at your mum's and was even a (non tier 1) friend, she was happy enough to move back in with her when it suited (knowing her already) and SHE was the one layng down boundaries in your mum's house! Now she has decided that your mum can't meet her grandson till he is a month old. Your poor mum.
Yes you need to be gentle with someone who has given birth, but she is being unreasonable on the surface of it.
Would she be open to compromise and have your mum pay a short visit in another week?

You have every right to introduce your son to his grandmother! Who the hell does she think she is?! She doesn't have to be present, she can go upstairs, can’t she?!

No you don’t.

OP so your partner will allow your mum to see baby in a month. So what she's doing is punishing your mum. It's not about her not seeing baby at all. It's about asserting her dominance and control. Which is in effect controlling you.

It's your partner I have concerns about. Not your mother who just sounds a bit annoying. Your partner sounds like trouble

That’s laughable. She has zero rights to see the baby. The mother’s wishes trump anybody else’s. I’m sorry that when you gave birth you weren’t put first, but it’s not like that now, thankfully.

This is terrible. Your mum has tried to make peace. Your partner sounds like a manipulative bully . I hope you find the courage to stand up for yourself and your relationship with your mum. You deserve equal say in this. This is a very unique and special time and you should get to decide how it unfolds as she is your mother. Sending Love and strength to you ❤️

@ttcat37

That’s laughable. She has zero rights to see the baby. The mother’s wishes trump anybody else’s. I’m sorry that when you gave birth you weren’t put first, but it’s not like that now, thankfully.
So the OP is the mother right? So she can choose as much as the other mother no?

I didn't have visitors at home because I was kept in hospital for a week each time. I couldn't wait to show my babies off to family! I was off my face on morphine the first time because I had one of those ghastly pumps attached to my hand!

It doesn't have to be a long visit, just a quick meet and greet. Surely any woman is up to that? Different if they were moving in for 3 weeks or something.

A close friend became a granny for the first time at Christmas. She was bursting and literally glowing with pride, excitement and happiness - I happened to be with her just after she found out that the baby had been born. To have refused her to see the baby for a month would have been beyond cruel! Luckily her daughter and son-in-law weren't precious about it and they met the baby the following day.

I'm sick of this mother's rights shite. The father has rights too!

It's just being used as an excuse by nasty, controlling women. Any woman should be able to cope for half an hour for grandparents to meet the baby. Anyone who denies that is utterly batshit and unreasonable.

No, the mother in this situation gave birth to the baby. The OP’s username is Joel, so I’m making the assumption that he is the father.