My partner not wanting my mum to see my new baby

[Joelm1066]

I have recently had a baby boy with my partner. We have been together for six years. In the course of our relationship she has not got on well with my mother. My mum can be a bit tactless, but she has a good heart. However, my partner wants very limited contact with her despite my mum reaching out and trying to improve relations between them. After 6 years I have come to accept that she doesn’t want regular contact with her. However, since the birth of our child 8 days ago, she is insisting that she wants to wait at least a month before my mum sees the child even though he has met all of her close family and close friend. She says that it is because she only wants contact with people she’s comfortable around, but I think I have a right to introduce my child to his grandmother sooner than a month. AIBU?
It’s causing me a great deal of sadness and stress at a time when I should be happy. I don’t really know what to do.

Take your child to see your mother on your own

I am sick of these hormone excuses for appalling selfish and controlling behaviour. There is no reason why this poor woman needs to wait a month to see her new grandchild. It's cruel

OP, tell your partner that all of a sudden you’ve developed an immense dislike towards her mother and therefore you don’t want her in the home for the next few weeks either 🤷‍♀️

It sounds as if you are younger than her, @Joelm1066 ?
I would be concerned in your shoes- Your partner sounds a difficult and controlling woman with all the blocking nonsense-
If you were to split, I’d imagine her to be very difficult around seeing the baby , from what you have written.

Good luck, I think you will need it .

She doesn't want to see your mother - fine. She wants to stop you and the baby seeing your mother - not fine. Tell her your mother is coming at x time, x day and if she doesn't want to see her that's is OK with you.

I agree. I don't know how we all managed to have babies and hormones and didn't exclude family!!!! It actually makes me cross. It's unforgiveable!

It reads to me as a gay relationship when her female partner has had a baby?
No biological link to her mother whatsoever.
The birth mother doesn't like her partners mother and is being firm about keeping her away from her.
Unfortunately in this situation as the birth mother, she is very much in the driving seat.

A "birthing partner" doesn't give birth, do they?

Tips for your birthing partner or partners - NHS

Waiting a month sounds like detached civility to me. What would you like to happen? If you want your DM to visit, talk to DP about what would need to be in place. I don’t think you can realistically take a newborn away from its mother to go visiting though.

What is it that isn't clear?

This is a very worrying sign of extreme control. You need to nip it in the bud, if it's not too late.

Tell your partner you are taking your baby to meet your mother. End of.

I have had some serious issues with my in-laws. They visited both babies the day following their births, because I could not have lived with myself if I had kept them away.

I can't imagine having to wait a month to see my grandchild. You miss so much, those early days are precious. It would be heartbreaking. Unless you have grandchildren, you won't understand that pull to be around them and the strength of love you have for them. I know the love I have for my grandson is just as strong as the love I have for my children, and my heart breaks for grandparents who are made to keep away and miss the first weeks of their grandchildren's lives due to pettiness or whatever. People who do this are going to have a big shock when they become grandparents themselves.

Is it normal to forcibly remove an 8 day old baby from its mother? Really?

I have had three babies. I had c/sections complete with infections. I was breastfeeding.

I wanted to show my babies off! I had my mum the night each of them was born, and my sisters. MIL came within a day or two of the births. I saw them when I was still in hospital. I wouldn't have had it any other way.

This MIL was good enough for the OP's partner to live with when she needed her. She'd have to be pretty bloody awful to exclude her so cruelly especially when it's making the OP unhappy!!

Unfortunately the OP, who appears to be male, has so confused everyone by saying 'I have recently had a baby boy with my partner' that people think he is female or that he has given birth or that he is in a same-sex relationship with a woman who has given birth. None of these appear to be true. Rather the OP is male and his female partner has given birth, which puts a completely different angle on what he's said. The OP needed to be far clearer in his account. I therefore wouldn't read anything into the AIBU scores.

@Joelm1066 thanks for update that clears things up a bit. Taking what you’ve said at face value there has obviously been previous disagreements but nothing I would say that makes your Mum an asshole as previous posters have commented or I think would warrant this behaviour from your partner. I agree post partum is a difficult time so I think you need to be as supportive as possible but quite frankly it isn’t fair that all her wishes are upheld and you don’t have a say at all purely because she had the baby. This child belongs to both of you and you need to work together as a team. You need to speak to her about how upset your son not meeting your mother makes you and see if there’s a way that you could facilitate your son meeting his grandmother like other PPs have suggested perhaps for a short time 1hr or so and without your partner if she would be comfortable with this. My husbands Mum has made some wild comments when I was pregnant / shortly after I delivered and you are a lot more sensitive when hormonal but I wouldn’t have dreamed of making a decision that would have made my husband so upset at the time and in my opinion she is weaponising your child. Agree with others that an extra 3 weeks is unlikely to change how comfortable she feels with your Mum so I don’t understand the time limit.
Hope it all gets sorted and you can have a respectful and understanding chat where everyone’s needs can be met

As my first sentence said, …’in a birthing partner.’ Presumably that means the person who accompanies a woman in labour.

Of course I’m well aware that people who’ve actually given birth can suffer from postpartum issues.

No but it’s normal to have both sets of grandparents visit within days - even if you have no other visitors.

This👆

It reads to me as a young man and his female partner having a baby.

The username gives a bit of a clue apart from anything else!!

The new mother is being extremely cruel. Everyone else has met the baby. She is deliberately excluding the father of her child's mother.

It’s a difficult one because we still don’t really know what’s been said from your mothers side, I mean she has no right to judge how many flights someone goes on a year, that in itself is pretty ridiculous so by the sounds of it she has been fairly judgmental against your partner and probably will be the same towards both of you in how you raise your child which will probably become pretty tedious but if you would like to take your baby to see her then do so but give her a small timeframe, let your partner know the times you’re going to go and come back because her hormones will be raging and baby will also want its mum. Just do it in a kind way so your partner knows you care about her but would also really like to show him to your mum quickly. You may find your mums ways start to also grate on you now you have your own child, parents can often be a bit too overbearing, good luck!

And this mum has accepted visits from "close family and friends" so it's just cruel to exclude his grandmother!

Your partner is using your baby as a weapon to be spiteful you need to stand up to her this isn't ok.

It is, I agree.

I think taking her baby away from her is a far more problematic behaviour than granny not meeting the baby in the usual timeframe, however.

Edited for typo.

This. Absolutely! Interesting how 'hormones' never made a new mum say 'shove your maternity leave and don't pay me' - only when it is bullying the weaker relation, in this case a MIL