My partner not wanting my mum to see my new baby

[Joelm1066]

I have recently had a baby boy with my partner. We have been together for six years. In the course of our relationship she has not got on well with my mother. My mum can be a bit tactless, but she has a good heart. However, my partner wants very limited contact with her despite my mum reaching out and trying to improve relations between them. After 6 years I have come to accept that she doesn’t want regular contact with her. However, since the birth of our child 8 days ago, she is insisting that she wants to wait at least a month before my mum sees the child even though he has met all of her close family and close friend. She says that it is because she only wants contact with people she’s comfortable around, but I think I have a right to introduce my child to his grandmother sooner than a month. AIBU?
It’s causing me a great deal of sadness and stress at a time when I should be happy. I don’t really know what to do.

She hasn’t cut her off. She doesn’t want her there for a month. I wouldn’t want someone coming to lecture me about being eco when I’m knee deep in nappies and wipes either. OP dripfed that partner likes to cut people off but that isn’t what the first post says, it says she wants to wait a month.

Nowhere 🤣🤣🤣 I despair at how not getting along with someone automatically means a person must be abusive and toxic.

My MIL had form for being tactless. She also smoked like a chimney and drove me mad by leaving my babies stinking of cigarette smoke.

I still wouldn't have banned her for a month!

And the baby's mum can't claim that she isn't up to people visiting because plenty have apparently!

Abusive? Because she talks about flights etc?!

My mil does this. I find it faintly annoying. She clearly thinks I don’t do enough for sustainability etc. Am I being abused? Come on….

The word abuse should mean smt. If we use it in every context where we are made to feel slightly annoyed or uncomfortable it loses its power.

That’s not the same as feeling comfortable though. That’s feeling protective. It’s not the same as having just given birth.

The abuse is from the male, @Choccyscofffy . OP's partner is the MOTHER. She is more likely to be the victim of abuse, not the instigator! FFS she gave birth 8 days ago!!

So many lazy assumptions!

More likely but not impossible 🤷‍♀️

and it doesn’t sound like anyone is being abusive in this situation regardless.

You are right in that that could be possible, but I still think the OP is male and that his partner gave birth.

However, as a man and a husband, I do find the wording of the first sentence of the OP rather odd for a man to have written. "I have recently had a baby boy with my partner " sounds really strange for a man to have written. "We have recently had..." or "My partner has recently given birth to our baby boy..." would sound more natural for a man to have written

Literally the mother who's given birth is prioritised since time immemorial.

We just didn't used to be so selfish.

Um, the baby is 8 days old, @BlueSky2024 , and would be most likely breastfeeding. You're honestly saying a man should rip an 8 day old newborn from it's mother's breast?!??

He’s your child too. You have every right to introduce your son to his grandmother. Partner doesn’t like it? Then that’s just too bad…..

I presume you weren’t aware of the risks of second hand smoke when your children were babies, or you would have asked her to stay away/ followed the guidelines for smokers around babies. It is well publicised now and drilled into pregnant women and new parents by midwives/ health visitors.

Rip from the mothers breast 🤣🤣🤣 what is it with all this dramatic language?? I am laughing but it’s actually not funny at all.

I literally put up w mil rambling on about nappies. You’ve reminded me now. I’m chuckling at her buying me reusable - which I tactfully waited till she left and chucked.

I like my mil, but she is often a pain in the ass. Thankfully I married her son, not her. I have my faults…. But one of them is not using every tactless comment/ characteristic of people to justify me being a total asshole to them.

My mil adores my kids. Ya she does things that I eye roll at privately. I put up with it because she adores my kids. Anyone who loves my kids the way she does, and treats them the way she does, will get a huge amount of tolerance from me. I want my kids’ lives to be full of love.

Um, the baby is 8 days old, @whynotnowdear , and would be most likely breastfeeding. You're honestly saying a man should rip an 8 day old newborn from it's mother's breast?!?? The mother who just gave birth 8 days ago is the one who has the say!!

Don’t be ridiculous, no one said that the baby should be ripped from the mothers breast!!!
The grandmother can see the baby between feeding times
She could also come to the house and the mother could go upstairs for a nap / go out for a walk

Um, people are suggesting the father just take off with the newborn to his mothers. Even a breastfeeding newborn. How else would you describe it? Go on, tell me!

Fuck me, of course I was, I'm not a fucking dinosaur! I even gave birth in the 21st century and everything!!! God you have some very odd views.

I limited exposure as best I could but the woman was totally addicted and I wasn't going to forbid her to see her own grandchildren.

She wasn't allowed to smoke indoors.

Anything else you would like to patronise me on?

Are you seriously trying to tell me that no parents now smoke or vape, because that's patently not true however it is "drilled into" people.

And no, I do neither, before you try to make another silly accusation!

Oh and guess what - I even breastfed all three for at least a year. Go me!

Take your child to see your mother on your own

Depending on where MIL lives that could be a long time! As I said, the breastfeeding mother here gets the say, NOT the male!

If I recall correctly, ONE person suggested that!

Exactly! Posters who are telling the man to just up and take the baby away from its mother are batshit fucking crazy!

I've responded to around 4 already, and I'm only on page 7!

As I said, the MIL could come to the house. Fathers should ALSO have a say in what happens to THEIR child

I disagree with others saying you are not being unreasonable. You say tactless but your mother has clearly been awful enough that your wife can't face being around her. This is not a free for all for people to meet the baby. Your wife is the one who has given birth and this is a vulnerable time for her because she's recovering. She's pushed a whole human out of her body and the wound inside her right now is about the size of a dinner plate. Your baby is also recovering. It's proven in many many child psychology studies that newborns NEED to be near their mother in the early months - baby has only heard their mothers heart beat, breathing and voice throughout pregnancy so your wife is your baby's safe space. It raises baby's cortisol levels to be away from their mum, do you really want to cause stress to a baby to pacify your mother? This time is NOT about your mother's feelings, it's about you advocating for your little immediate family and what your wife is telling you she needs right now. Of course your mother is reaching out now, it's not because she's sorry, it's because she wants access to the baby and your wife KNOWS that. Your wife and baby are your immediate family and your mother is now extended family. Read 'The Lemon Clot Essay' and you may have some idea of what your wife is facing right now. She doesn't need people around her who cause her stress and those who don't like her. I would just tell your mum that you appreciate the fact she's tried to reach out but unfortunately, that doesn't mean her behaviour has to be forgiven so, for the time being, she needs to respect the fact she will have to wait.