My partner not wanting my mum to see my new baby

[Joelm1066]

I have recently had a baby boy with my partner. We have been together for six years. In the course of our relationship she has not got on well with my mother. My mum can be a bit tactless, but she has a good heart. However, my partner wants very limited contact with her despite my mum reaching out and trying to improve relations between them. After 6 years I have come to accept that she doesn’t want regular contact with her. However, since the birth of our child 8 days ago, she is insisting that she wants to wait at least a month before my mum sees the child even though he has met all of her close family and close friend. She says that it is because she only wants contact with people she’s comfortable around, but I think I have a right to introduce my child to his grandmother sooner than a month. AIBU?
It’s causing me a great deal of sadness and stress at a time when I should be happy. I don’t really know what to do.

Have you given birth? And if so, was it recently? Because you can say ‘sick of all this mother’s rights’, but it isn’t the father’s body that goes through pregnancy and it isn’t the father at risk of PND. It isn’t the father whose hormones are uncontrollable after giving birth. Thankfully everyone I mentioned knows this and asks the mother at every interaction, for months, how she is feeling both physically and mentally. The mother comes first, and if you weren’t treated that way or prioritised when you gave birth then that’s sad. It isn’t like that now.

Why do DILs often dislike their MILd?

The MOTHER gets the final say, dad does not! If mother is BREASTFEEDING she can't just leave the baby. The mother gets the say. End of!

What tf?? His partner is the MOTHER of that baby, carried the child, gave birth, and is recovering from the birth and most likely breastfeeding. MOTHER GETS THE FINAL SAY, end of! This is an eight day old baby! Mother's wishes come first here!

As I've already explained, I have given birth 3 times. I welcomed my babies relatives. I wanted them to have the joy of meeting. There's nothing like seeing your parents meet their grandchild for the first time, and I not a controlling twat who would have denied my husband's family the same joy. I think withholding the baby is barbaric.

Trust me giving birth has not changed, but human nature has got very fucking selfish and entitled!!

There is nothing in the OP's posts that suggests his mother is toxic, and he is still in contact with her, so he should have the right to introduce his baby to her.

It really is! Had my ex MIL been in the country at the time of dc birth, I would have happily allowed her to visit when she pleased despite not always seeing eye to eye.

Your partner is a problem and needs to get hold of it.

It’s not an attack at all- if you take a ‘total and fundamental’ disagreement of your opinion as a personal attack then that’s up to you. Perhaps this situation is all a bit close to home for you for some reason, but it seems that you think that family comes before all else. Perhaps if you had experienced toxic family you would understand why that is unhelpful to say to people who do have toxic family.

You need to step up here if you want your mother to meet your baby sooner. First and foremost, you need to make sure your wife is healing well from the birth, physically, mentally and emotionally. If not, the focus should be on getting her the assistance she needs to heal so she can be the best mother possible to your baby.

Once healing is on track and you know PPD isn’t an issue, have a frank discussion with your wife about your mother. Make sure you are aware of all issues, so you can address them. There may be things your mother has said or done that your wife didn’t share with you. Make sure you are someone safe for your wife to share with and don’t minimize or try to excuse things your mother has done. With your wife, determine how any issues will be addressed. Do not say “that’s just how she is” or anything similar to excuse your mother or get out of addressing her behaviors.

Deal with your mother’s behaviors as agreed before asking your wife for a sooner date to meet your baby. Just based on what you shared, you need to tell your mother to keep her advice to herself unless asked. You also need to tell your mother not to be critical of your wife.

If the only issues are the ones you have shared here, then your wife does sound like she is overreacting. Like a PP suggested, maybe your wife can go for a nap in the bedroom while your mother comes to meet the baby. As a boundary for your wife, offer to not allow your mother to perform any baby care, like feeding or changing. Your mother gets to hold and cuddle the baby. If baby shows signs of needing mum, you immediately take the baby to your wife and the visit is over.

Wrong! What tf?? His partner is the MOTHER of that baby, carried the child, gave birth, and is recovering from the birth and most likely breastfeeding. MOTHER GETS THE FINAL SAY, end of! This is an eight day old baby! Mother's wishes come first here! Mother dictates what happens with her 8 day old baby!

As I said unless mil has been really awful....anyone could have said what your mil said though if you've already had everyone who means anything to you through the door it's only fair on the partner to let them introduce their child to their important people.

Not at eight days post birth you don't! A month after birth is a fair compromise.

Wise up, I'm neither. This is just something angers me. Parents who have reared ungrateful little sods who then micromanage their relationship with their grandchildren in this way.

"Medieval" my arse! Human beings and their feelings don't change. I don't appreciate your ageist insinuation either.

PS troll hunting isn't allowed....

If OP gave birth or their partner did. Or perhaps even neither.

Massive red flag about a controlling partner!
Your mother is the child's grandmother, I can't believe she hasn't seen her grandchild yet! If your partner feels uncomfortable, she can take herself elsewhere during the visit.
Don't let yourself get trampled on like this - your feelings matter!

Agree with this. I've given birth 4 times, for the record.

It's important to be empathetic to new mums, but they also can be unreasonable sometimes due to all those new mother hormones. It doesn't actually help the situation to just go along with it, it can make things worse, because then the crazy feelings just attach themselves to the next issue.

In an ideal world, I think the mother's mum would be the best person to talk to her about this kind of thing. But in any case shutting out the husband's family is unfair and counter-productive.

“My child who is also OP’s child”

If she's breastfeeding and baby gets fussy during the visit, how is that going to help?

Are you always this patronising? It doesn’t read to me like a clash of personalities at all, it sounds like a know it all MIL trying to stick her oar in at any opportunity, a new mum who doesn’t want that right now, and the OP who hasn’t been listening to his partner and is putting his mother above her.

It's so fashionable on MN to put the feelings of the non birthing partner after your own birth family and friends especially if it's around the MIL then later on slag them off for not helping, in-laws for not doing childcare etc.
Partners and in-laws can't win.

You mean mother.

A fortnight is a fair compromise at best. A month is ridiculous.

Didn't they? We haven't been told that

Lol....not in the world of choosing to identify