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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP gone on holiday

301 replies

Jajagabour · 11/01/2025 12:42

Trying to figure out if I'm being unreasonable.

Long story short - blended family situation. Living together 8 years. DCs from both me and him. 50/50 childcare split with other parents.

Financially big difference, I earn a 3rd of what he does. House has gone through lots of renovations which still not finished and has cost me a fortune.

DP loves travelling, doing nice things etc. As do I but money is a barrier. I also like to pay my way and not ask for financial support.

He's been away a lot over the years with his parents and siblings - it's their thing. We went on holiday last year with his fam and all DC.

Then his parents and siblings decided to plan a holiday for start of Jan to Hawaii. He wanted to go - but DC couldn't because of school and neither me because of work and obviously DC. I felt really annoyed about this, more so because I would love to go to Hawaii, dream holiday, but I'd want to go with DC and finance limited.

He booked anyway and said it's because his parents getting old and he was to take opportunities to make memories, reconnect etc.

I just feel so miffed by it all. He was also sending me messages telling me he was having a terrible time because I was making him feel guilty. I've bit my lip and sent nice messages to him so I don't ruin his trip. It's also been freezing here and our CH packed up.

Am I being a nob? I don't usually care, he's done trips before but this time I'm upset and annoyed. I guess it's because I'm really struggling with money atm. Plus I'm not going to be happy if he sends pics of himself and his fam on the beach when it's so miserable here!

OP posts:
Needmilkandbread · 11/01/2025 13:40

Jajagabour · 11/01/2025 13:40

I'll be getting CH sorted. Obviously I've had to speak to him as it's gonna cost a lot.

Will he be expecting you to pay your half?

RockOrAHardplace · 11/01/2025 13:40

He is perfectly entitled to go on holiday, with his money but personally I wouldn't want to do that if it upset my partner and kids, what about spending the quality time with you, his family. And Ok he says he wants to spend time with his elderly parents whilst he can, but surely that should apply to the grandkids too?

It sounds to me that you feel missed out and not valued. You say you wouldn't go without him and the kids but he happy to go without you and the kids. I think I would feel miffed too. I think you have different wants and expectations from family life and that is something you need to think about.

When you choose to live as a family, one shouldn't be permanently skint and the other leaving you behind when they want a holiday (unless exceptional circumstances). Its these types of experiences that we form families for, to want to spend social and enjoyable time together., making bonds and memories, not just dealing with the trials of daily life. He clearly feels that way about his mum/dad but not you and the kids (regardless of who is the bio parent).

I think you need to sit down and discuss how this makes you feel, you are either a family or you are not.

Marblediamond · 11/01/2025 13:41

Don’t be selfish; if you love him you will be happy for him; let him enjoy his holiday; you can’t have everything.

As long as you do things together sometimes too and you look and treat yourself too. Try to increase your income too and improve your career prospects

Riapia · 11/01/2025 13:41

Do you consider yourself to be in a relationship OP?
The only relationship worth having is one in which each member treats the other as an equal.
Your “D”P sunning himself in Hawaii whilst you are at home with a failing CH system. Does that really sound equal?
LTB.

MinorGodhead · 11/01/2025 13:41

Jajagabour · 11/01/2025 13:12

I couldn't afford it and wouldn't want to go without DC and DSC.

That’s on you, though. I went on holiday by myself last week, leaving DH with the DC. I didn’t invite either of them. The point was a break for me.

Pumpkinpie1 · 11/01/2025 13:42

So he’s dumped you with his children whilst he goes on a 3 week holiday with his mummy and daddy in Hawaii and thinks you shouldn’t make him feel guilty?

TheSquareMile · 11/01/2025 13:42

Jajagabour · 11/01/2025 13:40

I'll be getting CH sorted. Obviously I've had to speak to him as it's gonna cost a lot.

@Jajagabour

You must make sure you've booked it, OP - with temperatures dropping, there will be extra demand for CH repairs.

Do you have children at home now? How old?

Can you go to a hotel for a couple of nights?

Beezknees · 11/01/2025 13:42

Drfosters · 11/01/2025 13:33

Honestly it is a bit weird to go on holiday on your own with your parents to a faraway destination. Maybe it works for other families but I’d think it was odd. A weekend away sure, my husband does trips with his dad and siblings which I think is lovely but they’d only go for a couple of days to do things like fishing and hiking. Certainly not somewhere like Hawaii. Honestly I don’t think we’d enjoy that sort of relaxing beach holiday without each other. I can totally understand why you would be miffed.

It's not weird at all. I'd do it with my mum, I enjoy her company.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 11/01/2025 13:42

Riapia · 11/01/2025 13:41

Do you consider yourself to be in a relationship OP?
The only relationship worth having is one in which each member treats the other as an equal.
Your “D”P sunning himself in Hawaii whilst you are at home with a failing CH system. Does that really sound equal?
LTB.

In fairness to him he couldn’t predict the CH would stop working while he was away.

Original poster
Jajagabour · 11/01/2025 13:43

I don't need to improve my career prospects. I love my job. I just don't earn as much and past year has cost a lot due house getting renovated of which I've contributed 50% towards

OP posts:
MinorGodhead · 11/01/2025 13:44

Beezknees · 11/01/2025 13:42

It's not weird at all. I'd do it with my mum, I enjoy her company.

Show quote history

A friend of mine still gets on so well either his ex-MIL that they go skiing together, several years after the divorce.

Needmilkandbread · 11/01/2025 13:45

Do you have children together op?

Original poster
Jajagabour · 11/01/2025 13:45

Yeah I don't begrudge spending time with fam, it's a beautiful thing.

OP posts:
biscuitsandbooks · 11/01/2025 13:45

Jajagabour · 11/01/2025 13:43

I don't need to improve my career prospects. I love my job. I just don't earn as much and past year has cost a lot due house getting renovated of which I've contributed 50% towards

It's great you love your job but realistically can you afford to pay 50% of the house if it's leaving you (in your own words) "struggling with money"?

Mrsttcno1 · 11/01/2025 13:45

Jajagabour · 11/01/2025 13:43

I don't need to improve my career prospects. I love my job. I just don't earn as much and past year has cost a lot due house getting renovated of which I've contributed 50% towards

Of course you’ve contributed 50%, it’s 50% yours.

He’s done nothing wrong.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 11/01/2025 13:46

WimbyAce · 11/01/2025 13:27

We are not married but we are still very much financially a unit.

Show quote history

Until and unless that is no longer the case. Marriage confers stability, partnerships don't.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 11/01/2025 13:47

Pumpkinpie1 · 11/01/2025 13:42

So he’s dumped you with his children whilst he goes on a 3 week holiday with his mummy and daddy in Hawaii and thinks you shouldn’t make him feel guilty?

No he hasn't. Read the OP's posts at least.

Original poster
Jajagabour · 11/01/2025 13:47

Thanks for the input! He'll be back in 2 weeks. CH should be fixed by then.
We can have a chat about money on his return.

OP posts:
Lavenderfarmcottage · 11/01/2025 13:47

I think that sex for a woman is a whole different level of vulnerability, exposure, risk and intimacy. We give more sexually and we sacrifice more to be with someone. We all give in a relarionship differently.

He’s wealthy and could have taken you to Hawaii. I would feel hurt, I’d feel like I wasn’t worth Hawaii.

I don’t think this is being a gold digger, it’s just expecting the sort of love where someone would be over joyed to be able to give you your dream holiday.

He should want to spoil you and your boy and make your lives happy. That should make him happy to be able to do that

yanbu to think you deserve romance and true love for giving a man your heart and body and time.

Instead he’s in Hawaii and telling you that he’s feeling guilt tripped - you can’t guilt trip someone that easily who isn’t being a shit.

Put him in the bin.

EuclidianGeometryFan · 11/01/2025 13:49

In a loving relationship with fair finances and fair childcare, it would not be a problem for one parent to go on holiday without the other and without the children.

But that is not the situation you are in - so ignore all those saying YABU.

First - he has left his kids with you, instead of sorting out childcare with their mother. You are not his babysitter whilst he swans about the world on long holidays.

Second - you don't have fair finances. As you are not married, it is sensible that you pay 50/50 for the mortgage and home improvements. However, if he earns more than you, he should be paying proportionally more for household utility bills and all other bills, as well as treats, meals out, cars, and holidays.
You simply should never ever be in a position where he can afford a holiday and you can't. That is not right in a committed relationship.
Where is the love and care? Where is his desire to be with you and see you treated well?

I would re-think the relationship and consider ending it and forcing the sale of the house.
At an absolute minimum, you don't look after his children for him when he is not there.

PullTheBricksDown · 11/01/2025 13:50

Jajagabour · 11/01/2025 13:13

I owe 50% of house and pay 50% towards it- renovations and bills etc

This is the issue. You earn a third of what he does, but you're paying the same amount of all these costs. No wonder he can also afford to go to Hawaii. This should be split proportionally to your incomes. Because it's fair, and because otherwise he will always have a lot more 'fun money' than you.

Ecstaticmotion · 11/01/2025 13:50

OP my husband and I have income/asset disparity (I have more) - I really don’t think you should be paying equal amounts for the house. Here’s what we do:

I pay 2/3rds of shared costs, he pays 1/3rd (so this is mortgage, bills, pet stuff basically)

then we do holidays 50/50 except where there is something more costly that I want us to do, in which case I pay for it or more for it (so eg if I want to stay in 4 star hotel but he’d stay in a lower tier one, I’ll pay more for it than him to offset my expensive taste!)

finally, we have separate holidays sometimes (no kids). He has never made me feel bad about mine and I value and respect that. Equally, I have given him money for one of his solo trips before so he could afford it, so it sort of evens out in care if not in money.

I guess my overall point is that you should be paying your shared costs proportionate to your income and also to your long term financial prospects. I have huge savings and he has none, so part of our arrangement is to ensure he can accrue a pension so he wouldn’t be ruined if we split up, but ofc it also gives him more leeway month to month. I hope this is helpful.

biscuitsandbooks · 11/01/2025 13:50

EuclidianGeometryFan · 11/01/2025 13:49

In a loving relationship with fair finances and fair childcare, it would not be a problem for one parent to go on holiday without the other and without the children.

But that is not the situation you are in - so ignore all those saying YABU.

First - he has left his kids with you, instead of sorting out childcare with their mother. You are not his babysitter whilst he swans about the world on long holidays.

Second - you don't have fair finances. As you are not married, it is sensible that you pay 50/50 for the mortgage and home improvements. However, if he earns more than you, he should be paying proportionally more for household utility bills and all other bills, as well as treats, meals out, cars, and holidays.
You simply should never ever be in a position where he can afford a holiday and you can't. That is not right in a committed relationship.
Where is the love and care? Where is his desire to be with you and see you treated well?

I would re-think the relationship and consider ending it and forcing the sale of the house.
At an absolute minimum, you don't look after his children for him when he is not there.

He hasn't left his kids with her at all Confused

Bignanna · 11/01/2025 13:52

It’s unbelievable that some here are sticking up for the husband!
I feel outraged for OP.

devilspawn · 11/01/2025 13:53

Jajagabour · 11/01/2025 13:43

I don't need to improve my career prospects. I love my job. I just don't earn as much and past year has cost a lot due house getting renovated of which I've contributed 50% towards

Well that's what you've chosen to do then. You've chosen to put money into your house, which is a good thing to do as it's maintaining both an investment and your family home.

Not many people are going to be able to afford expensive house renovations and a 3 week long haul trip while raising kids. If you don't want to change your job and you don't have the goal of earning as much as him that's what you've chosen.

Hawaii isn't going anywhere, have you thought about planning the trip you actually want to do in a few years, because even if you had the money going with the in-laws sounds horrific.