I realised too late I don’t like parenting

[ThatCleverFawn]

I’m sure I’ll be judged to beyond but gearing up the enthusiasm to do yet another day of it is destroying me.

Parenting is very demanding.
Can you identify what exactly you find difficult, and address the bits you are struggling with? Get outside help, give yourself a break, manage stress better, get more sleep, lower expectations in some areas, get some counselling for support etc?

I have no kids due to a medical condition and it's boring as hell.

Pardon me I realise that was flippant sounding sorry op. Maybe it's just a feeling we all get is what I probably don't get it.

You’re allowed not to like parenting every age group of kids, OP! We’re all better suited to some rather than others!

It’s a massive slog. How wide is your ‘window of tolerance’, can you fit anything in to make it wider? Nervous system regulation etc.

What kind of parenting are you doing? It’s all hard, but changing approach can be life changing and can help you to enjoy your kids’ more.

It is hard especially when they are young. My youngest is 4 and things have started to get easier. We are starting to get time to do things when at home etc.

Swimming is NOT cheap!
It costs a ridiculous amount, plus the pool is rarely open just for family swimming. It's all lessons and lanes, which is no good if you just want to take the kids swimming.

I didn’t want t my eldest to be an only child.

That is the ONLY reason I had a second. I did it for DC1, not because I wanted another.

Swimming? With a four and a one year old?

That’s the equivalent of parenting torture, quite frankly!

OP, at what point do you get a break to be just you? I found that crucial at that stage to maintain any degree of enthusiasm for looking after my kids. It does get easier though

Two is definitely waaaaay harder than one, there's no doubt about that. Mine are 5 and 7 now and it's much easier, they're both currently eating lunch and watching TV quietly in the living room while I chill in the kitchen. And they both slept in their own beds until 7am this morning. That would have been unimaginable a year or two ago. It gets better 💐 I am still stuck in a shitty job though because it works around the kids...if I figure out a way out of it I'll let you know 😂

Could you take yourself to a hotel and the children's Dad looks after them whilst you take a break? We didn't have family anywhere near us but I did go away for a weekend to see my friend and Dh had both children but then he was hands on so I didn't need any head space for instructions on their day. Or can he go out with both of them for a few hours to leave you in peace?

I have a 3 year gap and was a sahm and it is relentless but it does get better. Dh and I were a team, he had a lie in on a Saturday and I had one on a Sunday. He took them out sometimes just in the car to leave the house and me in the silence. It was bliss.

Well I really hope this worked out for you. Are you enjoying having two?

It doesn’t in my local community pool or in the next community pool 5miles away.

It is more expensive in the local hotel and in the nearby (nice) gym. It costs considerably more to go somewhere with water slides etc.

In the community pool, it costs no more than £15 for two kids (under 8) and one adult for forty mins. That includes hot showers afterwards That is not expensive.

It is hard work and I sympathise. Not much help now but it does get easier. I used to divide the day into blocks of time, 1 hour for the shops, 2 for a walk and to the park, 30 mins TV, 2 hrs playing in the house etc and found this helped. If you can try and encourage some independent play so they don’t always expect you to join in, those breaks for a cup of tea in the kitchen by yourself are priceless.

My Children are a lot older, still need me for things like lifts to work and sorting things out for them quite a bit as they’re neurodiverse but there was a point where I genuinely thought what the fuck have I done. We’re in a relatively easy and nice stage at the moment so I can look back at them times and think thank god we got through that but there were definitely some hard and dark days/weeks/months. I love them beyond anything I ever thought imaginable but my gosh parenting has had its shite moments!

I think parents (and mothers more specifically!) are super hard on themselves and need to be more open about how hard it is! Each stage brings new challenges.

Have a little read about matrescence, it really hits the nail on the head for the first years!

The blissful time of parenting is when the youngest has reached school age.
I had to work hard to cope with the early years and then psych. myself up to get through some of the teenage years.
When the youngest reached sixteen it was again joyful most days.

My son is nearly 18 and I feel like I’ve been in the parenting stage of my life for about 500 years!

I liked year 1 then from there to 3 was exhausting. From 3 to 12 mostly a relative pleasure bar missing freedom sometimes. 13 onwards I love much of who he is and how funny or wise he can be but god I’m sick of battling to get him out of bed and to school/college and worrying whether he’s going to survive in this frankly rather crap era.

I love him and it’s great to have him and look forward to having him in my life as an adult but it is a bloody hard and long job and I’ve been at breaking point many times along the way. I feel like I’ve run out of steam now and am very ready for the next stage of my life. (Also worried im going to get flamed).

No judgement here, it was a long time ago for me but I remember how hard it is. Mine were similar age gap and it felt like forever. One is so much easier, definitely! Keep going, and go easy on yourself.

It gets better.

Mine are 17 and 19 now.

I didn't like the under 5' stage. Just relentless.

Better when one was in school. Even better when it was both.

Way better when they were both 7 and above.

My favourite has been the teen years as we have gradually got our lives back. I have also been lucky so far that no big teen dramas to contend with.

Only thing that really helps me is going outside! Which is fine when the weather is good!
It's -5 at the moment so that's painful for all involved!!!

We're out in -6 at the moment! It's a necessity with a toddler 😅 We're all wrapped in thermals and the toddlers are in padded snowsuits, gloves, scarfs and hats, and although the gloves keep coming off, they're happy and warm enough.

But my point is, you are not alone x All mums feel like shit and if they tell you they don’t they’re most likely on antidepressants

I'm not sure that's helpful, though... Lots of mums struggle and it's good to not feel alone, but it's also equally unhelpful to just accept this as life, and not try to make changes that you can make to make it better. I guess there's a chance that nothing will work for some people, but they'd be a minority.

I don't feel like shit. I'm not on wine or antidepressants. I have rough days and struggle sometimes, of course, I'm a lot more tired than I'd like to be and I often wonder if I'm actually losing my mind, but overall I'm glad that I have my kids, and I wouldn't say that I feel like shit more than 20% of the time. It's all so changeable.

OP are you the one who posted before about dreading spending 2 weeks with your children over Christmas?

Eh that absolutely depends on your pool, doesn't it. Our leisure centre has family swimming available three times a day, plus the under 5s pool open for a few hours each day, too. It costs £4.50 each if you're not a member.

But taking two kids swimming on your own is not for the faint hearted.

Yes this time of year has made things infinitely harder with a toddler. I complained about this on the January is crap thread too. I suspect it will feel a little easier in Spring @ThatCleverFawn

It’s really tough with two when they’re that age. I had plenty of days where I felt like that. It does get better, especially when they start school. Hugs OP. Don’t beat yourself up.

I know exactly what you mean about looking forward to the next stage in life. DD went to uni last year and for a few days I was heartbroken. But suddenly a few days after she left I realised how much easier my life is with one less. 😂

They are pretty self sufficient but I can't wait for DS to finish college next year so we have an end to school stuff. I often feel done with parenting now.