I realised too late I don’t like parenting

[ThatCleverFawn]

I’m sure I’ll be judged to beyond but gearing up the enthusiasm to do yet another day of it is destroying me.

It's horrible OP and I remember those days. I had two non-sleeping children and the only thing that kept me going was that I wouldn't still be waking up every 2-3hrs when they were older. It is true, that they do finally grow up and it does get easier.

I'm not the most natural parent either, so when they started school was the best bit. I found a school with great wraparound care and enjoyed heading back to work full time. It was the very best thing for me.

You'll get there OP, just do what you need to do to get through the day. My youngest ended up in the playpen with the TV on so I could nap on the sofa in the afternoon as I was just so knackered from limited sleep.

I had my 2 children when i was young wouldnt change it for the world.
If i had to do it all again now at 38 i would not cope as and it would be a flat out nope.
My sister is 42 with a 2 year old and in the mits of peri and its all taken a toll on her her eldest child is in his 20s i dont know why she wanted to go back to that stage again even she said she wished she didnt.
I think every parent finds it hard and some days harder but it gets better it really does.

If your children are 4 and 1 and you’re hating it then the only fair judgement I can think of is … “Completely normal.”

Thankfully they won’t always be 4 and 1. It should get easier, at the latest when the smaller one starts nursery or school.

If you had a break. Then regular breaks thereafter to be you. Help. Proper help. A job you liked and less financial stress would you still ‘hate’ parenting? Might be your current hamster wheel that’s part of the problem rather than being a parent in general if the answer is no.
Can be relentless running on empty all the time. If you can take small steps to get the infrastructure in place you need that could help. Suffice to say too you are not alone.

You sound tired. Long-term sleep deprivation sucks the joy from life. This needs fixing.

Partner/family need to help out more
TV/screen-time/alcohol/socialising/housework/cooking/complicated beauty routines need to be reduced
learn to take naps
Partner and you take turns to lie in/catch up on sleep at the weekends

If you do not get out of the doldrums your small children will be severely affected and they are your first obligation. So if you cannot fix this yourself, make an appt. with GP.

I have a 4 year old and a 3 month old. It's relentless. It will pass though. I can't leave my baby in a crib to nap as he won't nap aline during the day. Thankfully he sleeps ok at night but I can't get anything done during the day

@ThatCleverFawn - as other posters have said, parenting is a hard, hard slog, and there is nothing wrong with feeling burnt out or exhausted with it all.

Is there anyone who could look after the children for you, for a few hours, so you could go out for coffee, cake and some alone time?

I agree at those ages it can be tough but there should be highs as well as lows. My youngest turned 14 this week and I can't help but be a little sad how fast they really do grow up. Hopefully it'll get a little easier for you x

Also the proud owner of a 4 year old and a 1 year old. I’m right with you OP. On their own they are mostly fine and easy. My 1 year old is just delightful and cheery by nature, albeit really high energy and a risk taker. The 4 year old is stroppy and highly strung by nature but easy to manage 1 on 1 with an adult. They are very different people but I’m confident meeting their needs individually.

Parenting them together solo is hell on earth. I absolutely hate it and struggle to not shout and scream. My DH does a lot more solo parenting than I do (I’m a shift worker). He’s usually so calm and unflappable but even he is finding them so overwhelming at the moment. It was genuinely easier when DC2 was a baby, which I never thought I’d say as a none baby person.

My SIL tells me it eases significantly at 6 and 3. I’m clinging on to that.

So you are a reluctant parent yet you love your children. When you are having a bad day think of how you would feel if you lost them through illness or an accident. I guarantee you would give your right arm & more to have them back with you & all it entails.Count your blessings.There are heartbroken women who have desperately tried to have a baby & failed. They would give anything to be in your position.

Parenting little ones is wonderful when you have got out of the trenches and are looking at it from the rear view mirror! I was nearly delirious from lack of sleep. Then well meaning idiots friends tell you you will miss these years, which makes you feel guilty and also sad.
One day you will get a full night's sleep, they will get themselves breakfast and you can enjoy spending time with them.

How does this help?

It’s the equivalent of my childhood of being told there are children starving in Africa when I couldn’t swallow some rank thing like grilled liver.

It may not be expensive to you, but it is to me and not something I could afford on a regular basis. Our local pool is about £18 for an adult and two children. If you don't have the money, then it is not an option. I used to look for any park that had free parking (still do tbf).

And yes op, parenting is a slog and I didn't know exactly how it would feel until I was in the middle of it. They do get older and more independent, and you do eventually get more sleep that helps.

The op beating herself up doesn’t achieve anything for women who want but can’t have children ffs.

Whoever suggested you take a 1 yr old and 4 yr old swimming alone with the presumption it will help you is absolutely insane. People with older kids genuinely forget what it’s like. Solidarity OP!

Being told at a young age there are starving children in Africa gives a child a better perspective of hardship in life, especially if they have everything in abundance

Like fuck it does. Just gives them an early lesson in the shiteness of whatabouttery and reason to think you’re an imbecile intellectually.

Parenting involves lots of learning but you grow up a lot and learn about yourself.

I suggest this book

How to talk to children so children can talk to you.

If only there was a return policy.
That’s lasted 18 years.

No. Not at all. They are nearing the end of primary and it got harder instead of easier. It’s absolutely shit 75% of the time.

I need to reiterate that I never had two kids ‘for me’ so I never thought it would work out ‘for me’. I had DC2 because I did not want DC1 to be an only child. Not when DC1 is young and not when DC1 is a teen. Regardless of how much drudgery is involved I would not change that.decision. When adults, I expect they probably won’t even live in the same country - well at least I hope they spread their l wings and travel and explore the world and choose from all the wonderful places they see where to settle down. I want to make sure neither feels any sort of sole responsibility to stay near me.

Op, you haven't answered questions about whether your partner takes an equal share of the parenting.

IME this is almost always the crux of the matter.

Inequality in parenting is like the air that we breathe - it's often very hard to step back and see it for what it is. But it's an absolutely critical issue, from a physical and psychological/emotional perspective, to know you are part of a team rather than the person who the partner who purports to love you secretly believes should be doing all the shitwork in the family.

I think most of us have a bad time at some stage OP, please don’t let it upset you too much. It really does change with time.

I found the early years a piece of piss, but my tricky stage came during the teenage years. It really isn’t all sunshine and rainbows for everyone else, no matter what you see on social media.

Is there someone you can reach out to in real life to talk to?

It seems you are exhausted. Those ages are though. Not sure if you have support but you need to ensure you look after yourself and take time for yourself otherwise it won’t help anyone having an exhausted and stressed mother all the time.

You may have to do sleep training too

I’m with you OP, parenting at the ages your kids are, is one long slog uphill through muddy trenches. The only people who enjoy it at that stage tend to be insufferable twats as well, so you don’t even get good company. Wait til they’re both at school and you’ll start to see light between the trees x

It is largely miserable and thankless and boring as shit, with moments that are nice.