I realised too late I don’t like parenting

[ThatCleverFawn]

I’m sure I’ll be judged to beyond but gearing up the enthusiasm to do yet another day of it is destroying me.

There is absolutely no reason from her posts to think that OP has any bonding/attachment issues.

Parenting can be bloody hard, and sometimes we all need to let off steam. OP is doing exactly that on here, and that will hopefully help her to manage her feelings and work through them.

It seems to me that you've had a really tough time yourself, both in childhood and more recently, and are lashing out defensively at OP, projecting your feelings of hurt and anger onto her.

That's not helpful. I'm going to suggest that perhaps you take your own advice, and look into ways to work through your difficult feelings that are healthier and more constructive.

Me, most days ...

@MirandaJH i wasn’t going to engage but it’s strange the way you think a feeling is akin to a rejection.

When I had a dog I didn’t always love getting up early in the cold and dark to walk her. It didn’t mean I didn’t love the dog. The thing is, most of us feel the way we do because we give our all into parenting. I don’t give my kids shitty freezer food or stick them in front of iPads well not very often anyway.

Many women expressing feelings like this love their children very much and they are well cared for. We’re also trying to hold down a career of sorts and keep the house functioning. It’s a lot. Maybe if I just had the kids to focus on 100% and a maid to do everything else all would be well but I don’t.

You can be perfectly well attached to your kids and them to you while simultaneously finding much of day to day parenting tedious.

Yes. I am envious of those who chose differently. No-one who knows me would think I think this, especially them. We are loving and affectionate and they are parented well by me (dad not around much) but if I had a time machine, I would choose differently and not just because I was left to do it alone.

I agree. For me, one of the hardest and most exhausting aspects of parenting is the worry of trying to ensure I can physically, mentally and financially provide what they need. From cooking varied annd nutritious meals to ensuring they can swim well, that they have the opportunities to pursue their interests in music and sport, I can send them to decent schools and afford additional tutor help when necessary, that I can afford uni fees without burdening them with huge amounts of debt. That I am available to provide the emotional support they need. The truth is I simply can’t do all of this. What I am able to do comes at a huge expense physically, financially and emotionally to me. I feel guilt. . I feel like a lousy parent. I feel I could afford this for one child but not two. I’m envious of parents who can easily provide all of the above. I’m envious of parents who believe love alone is enough. I don’t fit into either category. I’m certain I would like parenting more if this wasn’t the case.

I am grateful to have found this thread.

I am a single mum to three year old twins following a very long infertility / IVF battle which included premature baby loss. I yearned so hard for a baby my heart broke for years at the sight of them.

Then I became a Mum and the reality of the "constant" need to be on a merry go round of tasks began. Add in the financial pressures, a full time job and generally trying to keep sane some how... I can honestly say I don't love every day of parenting despite loving my children with every ounce of my being.

It's both monotonous and challenging and zaps the life out of me. I don't know who I am most days because I'm either in "Mum mode" or "Work mode" and there's very little space for anything else to exist

I think lack of sleep is a killer! Once you start to sleep better, you might feel differently. Lack of sleep robs you of patience and the resilience to withstand all the stresses of parenthood. If you have a partner, is there any way you could take it in turns so that you get some decent sleep? I really feel for you, sometimes it feels relentless and unrewarding.

I find I really enjoy my child at 4 years old, but I really worked at shaping his behaviour so that we can enjoy spending time together. I do have days when Im knackerred but my MIL always reminds me how back in them days she had to raise two kids without anyone's help and even without a washing machine😆 Try to find ways to laugh together, laughter is the key....good luck

Not sure where to start... Judgment is the last think I could think of because I would have to judge myself. First thing, I can sympathise... They are days I think walking to a sea (I live near it) with pockets full of stones would be preferable. Like others said, some ages are harder than others, yet when you in that moment, it doesn't help. It feels like promise of tomorrow that never comes ... My wise friend said to me "this to shall pass" about something baby related... and it did...then new thing arrived ... and here we go again. Don't be so hard on yourself. Parenting is the hardest job that you are stuck with. You will get joy out of it though. I can promise you that. It will come good. It's not to late, you are sharing, you are doing great. All I can advise. Find someone close that feels the same. I found mum at school gate. We best buddies now and I know I am not alone. That what I feel it's not that awful or unnatural. We both struggle..me a single mum with no family to help, her mum of 5 with 4 neuro divers kids. It's ok, it's normal and human. I am not perfect and it's not easy and I cry and drink alone sometimes, that's ok to... No judgment. Find someone close to talk and laugh with. It will help.

I'm wondering then if you're displeased with your work it could create underlying resentment and challenges of parenting. Believe me, we have all felt like this at some point... Mine are teenagers now which is another challenge in itself and me too...I think why the hell do I bother! But, we do it...just keep remembering the good parts, look at the pics of lovely times together, helps me

I loved the baby stage and mat leave, absolutely HATED the toddler and pre-school stage. It got SO much better during primary school (ages 5-10 is fantastic bonding time). Preteens stage was a bit patchy and had some worrying times.. then absolutely aced teenagers (my favourite time, teenagers are so funny, creative and talented). Everyone's experience will be different, of course!

You're going through a really tough stage right now, it's absolutely fine to admit you're hating it. At your kids age all the love care and affection that you give them will pretty much only go one way, but please hold on, you will start getting some back soon and it will make all the difference.

@Tessiebear2023 this reassured me because everyone seems to say it gets easier but actually I loved the baby phase and young toddler phase, but I have struggled so much since my youngest turned 3 (he’s 4.5 now) that I kept thinking I must be doing something wrong as everyone said this should be the easier and better phase.

Do you have a second child @Kikili? I feel like I’d enjoy my four year old so much more if I didn’t have his toddler brother! I often think how easy parenting would be with just one (I know it would still be tough). It’s definitely the combination of ages and lack of sleep which makes it so tricky for people like me and the OP rather than any way we have or haven’t shaped their behaviour.

I do not but I have a parent with a terminal illness that warrants looking after at all times & Im an insomniac so lack of sleep is a problem for me too. Good luck

Yes to this. On the rare occasions I have DS alone, it’s very easy and straightforward. I’m hoping when DD is four it will be just as easy and straightforward!

Given their ages, and the combo of ages, it’s not surprising! Absolutely exhausting no matter how much you love them.

Have skimmed the thread, it sounds like your job is part of the issue as you just don’t have the energy left for your kids. Could you change to something else even part time?

I’m sorry if I’ve missed in the skim (and there seem to be some argumentative posters derailing) are you in a marriage/ relationship where the other person could be doing more?

I also sometimes think I wasn’t cut out for parenting but I wouldn’t change having my lovely kids for any amount of freedom and rest. However, they’re 16 and 10 now so very different!

Thank god the happy clappy family ads are now over post Christmas. I would say most of us have our moments even when children are adults and have their own kids. Childminding days over no longer needed forgotten useless

Yes - two is many times the work of one!

Every stage is different and also there is an important distinction between “parenting” and “childcare” - the day to day minutiae of chores, appointments, repetitive mealtimes, lack of sleep. OP is not talking about a lack of a bond, regretting them, not loving them etc which is what to me the being a parent bit is. And some people very much do feel that way but for most of us it is the daily grind. In my case I found teen years - I have two older teens now - by far the hardest, you can control things to a much greater degree with younger children, and “solve” many more of their problems. Both my children are ND and teen years presented a different dimension to that. So I think the OP is completely normal, and this is why so many people are saying that it gets easier once you get past those early days and into the primary / pre teen bit - less of the childcare chores, more of the parenting activities.

Get a job so u rnt at home all the time.

Did you know that when flamingos 🦩 have babies and raising their young they literally lose their colour (the bright pink) and become more dull due to the sheer stress of keeping the offspring alive.

Once the babies are older and I imagine annoying the mum flamingos less, the colour returns.

You're in the worst phase op but my god does it get better.

I have a similar age gap but I’m 2 years ahead of you. My saving graces are that they are both the same gender and like doing similar things now. They also love a slob day at home where they play with their toys, draw and watch TV. We don’t do it more than once a month or so but it gives me an ‘out’ for a day without needing childcare. I couldn’t have done that when the little one was 1. It gets better!

I’m really sorry to hear that but I honestly don’t think it’s comparable to having two children - that’s not to say it’s not an incredibly difficult situation in it’s own right (and of course more so in many ways!) but honestly the fact you enjoy time with your four year old is separate to this and not something that is a result of good parenting, which I felt like your post implies.

If I try to play with my four year old, my one year old will destroy it whatever we are playing with. Or I will only give the four year old half of my attention because I’m trying to make sure my one year old doesn’t do something dangerous, or because he quite rightly wants my attention too. This results in my four year old acting out, which results in me getting over stimulated and angry. I also cannot rest even while the four year old watches tv because that’s when I want to have some one on one time with my youngest.

Again I’m really sorry for your situation but I don’t think it helps the OP to point out your 4yo is ok because of the behaviour you’ve instilled with them when you have completely different situations.

@Trainors this sounds like a dream and gives me hope! Not the OP but very similar circumstances