I realised too late I don’t like parenting

[ThatCleverFawn]

I’m sure I’ll be judged to beyond but gearing up the enthusiasm to do yet another day of it is destroying me.

People did warn you and you looked the other way. Big mistake.

Listening to advice, even if you don’t take it, is important because it helps you see things from different perspectives.

I'm new here so I'm allowed the occasional mistake. Anyway I need to stop getting dragged into this. Ive always liked to stick up for myself & thats the way it will remain 🤣
When I'm in the wrong I apologise. In this instance I've been giving my opinions & experiences, take it or leave it. 👍

ByHardyAquaFox

Well done, I am sure the op needed the obvious pointed out her Aquafox

ThatCleverFawn · 11/01/2025 10:41
I think people do try to tell you but for me I thought it would be different, Christ knows why!

because we have all had that advice Op and those of us who have had kids chose to believe it would be different for us. Some it will have been different for them and some of us will have found it bloody hard word.

You have got to remember for every person telling you it was hard you prob had 2 people telling you it was all worth it- and Op it will be.

So basically you chose to ignore reality.
33% of the people is not to be trifled with. I mean, when talking about such a crucial life decision as whether to have children or not and you decide to obliterate from your mind the advice given by 33% of the people, then you are setting yourself for a rough patch.
You need to contemplate every scenario so if things don't go the way you were expecting at least you are mentally prepared.
But, yes, like you very clearly put said, people prefer to live in la la land. Until reality kicks them in their face.

Oh, I don’t regret having them. Even in very dark moments I can see the long view if you like and i know ultimately I wouldn’t want to be childfree. Just temporarily, just have a break from it all. As people have pointed out, it gets easier and the intensity subsides. That doesn’t make the immediate reality any easier but it also means not having children at all because of three to five very hard years wouldn’t make sense.

You're not alone, my friend. I love my kids but really question my life choices sometimes. Things are getting better but tbh it's been years of hardship. I get through it with the help of wine, which is not ideal, but sometimes it's the only way I can get enjoyment from parenting days.

Sorry to say but parenting is the hardest job but the most rewarding job in the world. I am saying this from the perspective of a 70 year old who is a parent of 4 a grandparent of 5 & a foster parent of over 20 young people. Whether they are 1 or 41 there are the good times & the not so good times. But when things go well it's all worth it.
Hang on in there.

Some practical suggestions:

Childcare swaps with other parents. These were a lifesaver for me.

Check your iron/ferritin/vitamin levels. Yes, you're not sleeping but worth also getting nutrition optimal if you can.

Lower your standards. Fuck the housework.

Yes it's hard when you don't have family to help out. All I can say is that I have a very close relationship with my children and I'd say its partly because of this.

Sounds like you're doing wonderfully, OP. Fist bump.

The Lost Daughter. The novel is excellent.

I love your optimism that it gets better - teenagers are much more difficult than toddlers 😂

I’ll believe it when I see it. I don’t want to be flippant but I’ve seen this many a time on MN and always from parents of teens able to order their own takeaway who tell parents of toddlers it only gets worse.

It doesn't get better or worse. It just gets different. Even when they eventually grow up and get out, I can't imagine ever not worrying about them.

I don’t worry about mine but I’m sure it will come. However, worry and bone crushing exhaustion are not the same things.

I think you ptobably forget the bone crushing wearinesss of not having a second to yourself while having repeated broken nights sleep. Can you and your husband take full charge of both children for the odd day at weekends so you can reset? That would have helped me. Unfortunately mine was a aelfish fucker and refused but hopefully yours is better!

As @HollyKnight says, it is different when they get to the teenage years, @ThatCleverFawn. You get a full night's sleep, and even a lie-in at the weekends, and can finish a cup of coffee while it is still hot! Yes, there are still difficult bits, and there were times when my dses were teens when I wasn't sure we would all make it to their 20s unscathed - but we did.

Apparently, during adolescence, the teenage brain is actually rewiring - changes are taking place in the structure - and while this happens, they can lose certain abilities - impulse control, temper control, sense of proportion and not seeing themselves as the centre of the universe, for example. The writer Charlie Taylor (author of Divas and Doorslammers) describes it as almost a form of temporary brain damage - but the key word is temporary, and it does settle down as the changes bed in, and these abilities return. The teen who was slamming doors and yelling at mum becomes, almost overnight, one who does his homework without being nagged, tidies his room voluntarily and gives mum an unsolicited hug - I nearly fainted!

And having boys, my house was full of their teenage friends - boys all taller than me, and all very sweet, polite and fun to be around.

You're having a bad time & struggling. Lack of sleep wont be helping the way you feel as everything seems much worse & harder when you're tired. Try & get some 'Me' time if you can so you can recharge your batteries. Do you have a partner or parents that can take the kids for a day/night to give you a break. It can be overwhelming having 2 little humans rely on you for everything.
It doesn't get any easier as they get older but you just have to parent different to when they are little so hang in there, you'll get through it. You'd miss your kids if they weren't there I bet. Once the youngest is a bit older & sleeping through hopefully you'll start enjoying parenting.

For me it was because I felt parenting two would be easier than 1.My firstborn was very intense and when it was just him and us, he needed more than we could give. I knew he'd be much better off with a sibling to play with. He was even quite good with "helping" with baby when they were too young to play. And he adores "teaching" his sibling things.

I couldn’t have children but don’t think my life is not worthwhile because of it. Would have topped myself long ago if I thought like that.

I have never understood why people say that, as a mother of three teens (and a toddler) the teens are infinitely easier. Or they are to me at least. If it's the intensity of toddlers needing you for every single thing that you struggle with then teens are massively easier. Yes you have different worries but at least you can shower, shit and eat in peace.

I don't think that parents actually dislike parenting...i think it's the fact that they have to do so much stuff in addition to the actual parenting....laundry, cooking, shopping, cleaning, ironing ,working an actual job, home maintenance, paying bills, admin etc. Parenting would really be much easier without having to do all this stuff.

Yes OP I’m sorry but you are BU. You have 2 healthy children. The sleepless nights will pass.

Whoever told you it gets easier then they reach teenage years they were trying to pull a bad taste prank on you. Just look at the news: knife crime, gangs, drugs, child grooming, rapes...

Of course they are.

Physically, those early years are relentlessly demanding.

Of course there are challenges as they get older, but there are also compensations. They are growing into people who can and should be helping out, they can and often are great company, they are increasingly independent.

I love small kids, but parenting at that stage is overwhelming.

OP I have a nearly 4 yr old and a 1 year old. I’m (!!!) exhausted.
Inside my soul exhausted.
Overwhelm is a real emotion and almost torturous.

I knew it would be hard but really no one can prepare you for it. And I would never want to be childless anyway, so it’s just one of those things. So God speed for the next 3-4 years. I am hopeful it gets less exhausting too. This thread has helped. Ignore the unhelpful posters