I realised too late I don’t like parenting

[ThatCleverFawn]

I’m sure I’ll be judged to beyond but gearing up the enthusiasm to do yet another day of it is destroying me.

This is me. Inside my soul exhausted 🫠 I’ve never known anything as intense as this!

Another empathy bypass.

@Rockchick76 - do you think it is helpful or kind to invalidate the OP’s very real feelings? Might it not be more helpful to give her the encouragement without the associated guilt-tripping?

It doesn't get easier for most. If you have a wonderfully calm, compliant teenager then that's different. But if you add in extra issues like ADHD ( no fault of the poor kids suffering in a society like ours) - you are dealing with stress and worry and daily problems magnified by ten that you just couldn't imagine.

So it's a big conspiracy that is perpetuated because it feels so wrong to talk the way we are on here.
I'm actually surprised so many people are being authentic on here. Most people live in denial.

And life absolutely is not only worthwhile with children. I know people may feel that in their life but I feel this is very much social conditioning since birth.

Sleep deprivation makes everything so very hard.

Sleep improves as children get older. You will get there!

Day at a time.

Also please remember that it's January, and everything tends to seem doubly bloody awful in January.

Snowdrops are on their way.

A HV once said to me ‘have you met a teenager that doesn’t sleep!’ And how right they were. Teenagers love their beds and their space so you will get there. I didn’t love parenting either. It gets easier.

I used to feel like this. I now have an adult DD aged 24 who was a complete mare up until 6. It took until she was 9 to get over the trauma and then I had another 2 DDs in quick succession. Now they are older, less demanding and you can have great conversations and a laugh, I’m finally enjoying parenting. Hold onto that thought, it does get easier.

My advice is put them in nursery for one day a week so you can BREATHE.. The cost is high, but for me it was worth it to keep sane.
My husband once said parenting is 10% joy and 90% shit !!!!! 😂

If it’s any help, I much prefer having teens toddlers. Yes, they can often be hard work and it’s emotionally a roller coaster at times but they are (for the most part) decent, somewhat reasonable humans, and they are often on their own so it’s generally less relentless! Also they are much more interesting and have interests that are … well … interesting!

Also getting to see them turn into decent human beings at the end of the teen years does go some way towards making you think it was worth it. Though that’s all part of the big con I think - you need to be careful to remember that although you’re on balance content with it all, there was some of it that was genuinely awful, or you end up like certain grans on this thread!

If you are able, I highly recommend a night or two away with friends or your partner once or twice a year. Getting to not be a parent for a couple of nights does amazing things!

Oh mate, yep parenting is boring and tedious and work is also boring and tedious. Truthfully though I ended up seeing work as at least a break from being mum. I could wee alone and also have a cup of tea in peace. It really isn't forever, ignore those that either claim to always love it (they don't) or try to discount your feelings with count your blessings commentary. It says more about them than you.

Agree and when you are a single parent you do all that by yourself. I have never known such tiredness and stress, the money worries, the endlessness of everything. if my mum hadn't been around to help out by having my child to stay over for a few days (another city so not often possible ) I think I would have lost my mind at times. God only knows how parents with no other support cope.

Hi OP , the early days are so hard and relentless but it does get easier. And the teen years are tough too but it's not as full on and you get your own time back. Ignore the poster who seems to be pushing her own insecurities on you. I'm not pranking you when I say you are doing the most important worthwhile hardest job in the world.

This makes me so sad for your kids. I really hope they never pick up on this but they likely will. My parents made it very clear to me that I was the accident they never wanted.
Why did you have another if you didn’t like it the first time round?
I absolutely LOVE being a mum and both me and my baby nearly died at 24 weeks. He was premature and awaiting surgery for something that could kill him if left untreated.
You should be more grateful, how awful would you feel if they died tomorrow?

So kind and empathetic.

@MirandaJH read the room.

It's much safer to own ones truth and reality and then it stops it seeping through ( which it will) in other ways through behaviour and feelings.

If my child asked me if I liked being a mum I'd say sometimes I don't love. I love you though.

It's very healthy to own these feelings which are incredibly common and they are absolutely ok. Yes, horrifying that. It's absolutely ok.

It is hard with the ages you have and especially if you are trying to hold down a job and one child doesn't sleep. It will be easier once your eldest starts school and of course once your second child starts to sleep through. Currently you are in the stage where it really is labour intensive as you have to do so much for them physically and mentally. As they get older that will change.

For the mean time get a blood test if you haven't already to make sure there isn't anything else contributing to the tiredness or exhaustion you are feeling. If you have a partner, speak to them and look at steps you can take to help. Can your outsource chores to make your life easier? Could you or your partner (if you have one) batch cook so you aren't having to cook on your working days?

There are some steps you can take to help now. Tbh I'd write a diary and if ever you consider having a 3rd reread it and don't.

@Tittat50 - I couldn't agree more, and I have said the same thing to other posters who have been equally unkind and thoughtless.

Parenting, especially when the children are young, is very hard work and it is not abnormal or wicked for a parent to struggle from time to time. @MirandaJH might like to consider that, while her thoughtless and unkind words won't change how @ThatCleverFawn is feeling at the moment, they could make her, or someone else going through the same thing as she is, bottle up their feelings in a way that will do much more damage to their mental health AND their children's wellbeing than venting somewhere safe, and getting help and encouragement.

@MirandaJH - would you tell someone with depression to just buck up and count their blessings? Would you tell someone with a broken leg that they just need to think positively, and be glad that they still have two legs, so their pain isn't worthy of sympathy?

Having a baby is a choice, one that she chose to make not just once, but twice. And feeling sorry for yourself because your leg is broken doesn’t cause long lasting damage on a child. So yes, instead of throwing herself a pity party she needs perspective and professional help. Not a bunch of people on Mumsnet stroking her ego.

So you think you are providing perspective, @MirandaJH? And you think that what you have said, and how you have said it, will be beneficial to the OP? Yikes. You are all heart.

Earlier in the thread I said the following, @MirandaJH - it explains why I feel so strongly that the tough love approach you and other posters espouse is the wrong one.

I would like to reiterate that no-one is a bad parent, or a bad person, for finding parenting a struggle or for having negative feelings about how hard and unrelenting parenting can be.

Parenting can be really hard, for many reasons - post natal depression, family/economic circumstances, lack of family support, disability or SEN, to name but a few - and even, sometimes, for no apparent reasons at all.

I believe that it is vital that, when things are hard, parents must be able to reach out, to say that they are struggling, and to ask for encouragement and support, so they can get through it. If people try to shame parents who are struggling, and make them feel like failures for struggling and for asking for help, this will NOTmake their struggles miraculously disappear - it will just make them feel entirely alone - and this will harm them and potentially their children too.

I am happy for those posters who have not struggled, or who have coped with their struggles without needing to ask for help - that is wonderful - but please accept that not everyone is the same, and even if you can’t empathise with people who are struggling, or offer them any help or support, please, please try not to make them feel even worse than they do already, by shaming them for their struggles.

I found it wholly boring and hard at the same time in those early years. Hated a lot of it. It got better when they got older.

The childhood days go so quickly though.
Empty nest syndrome does exist too.

I agree with you that my tough love approach seems harsh. But my reason for that is because I will always advocate for the child. Someone struggling to like being around their own child isn’t the fault of the child (as some of the responses seem to indicate it is), it’s the fault of the adults. I don’t wish any ill will on the OP, but I don’t think reassuring her it’s completely fine is the right approach either. She obviously needs to get help, not just wait until they grow up. Lack of attachment can cause severe problems for children over time.

I don't think people are just saying that it is all fine, though, @MirandaJH - I think they are saying that it is normal to have negative feelings sometimes, and that things do get better.

People are allowed to have negative feelings - that is a part of life. I don't believe than anyone feels happy and positive about everything, all of the time - that is just not possible. And I also think that it is important to accept all our feelings, because we can't examine why we are feeling bad, if we are denying we are feeling bad at all. Examining our feelings is, I think, the best way to get them into proportion - so rather than being made to feel she is the worst mother on Earth because she is struggling with parenting, @ThatCleverFawn can look clearly at how she is feeling, acknowledge it, but then also see past it to all the good things that she loves about her children and about parenting - thus cutting the negative feelings down to a size where she can manage them and get past them. The other option - repressing them for fear of criticism and harshness from other people - will only make them grow and fester in her mind, and won't help her proactively deal with her feelings.

I suffer from depression - I have done ever since I was in my mid teens (due to bullying at school) - and sometimes I feel completely hopeless, as if my life has no meaning or value and as if the world would be better off without me in it. I have thought about suicide, or dreamt about how wonderful it would be if I just didn't wake up in the morning, or if I simply dropped dead. A harsh approach to this would be people telling me that there are many people who are far worse off than me, and I just need to buck my ideas up and get over myself - but I am sure any competent psychiatrist/counsellor would tell you that is not a terribly helpful approach. I have learned, through 1-1 and group counselling, to deal positively with these feelings. They are real, so I acknowledge them, but then I have learned to see them in proportion to everything else around them - and then I can move past them.

This is why I do not believe that the harsh, buck up, approach is the best one, or even a helpful one in this situation.

Yet if we comment on the child free board you all lose your heads.

I commented how peaceful and relaxed the childfree Christmas thred sounded.

My god I got accused of saying you all had too much spare time.

This is a nice little thred for you to all go back and comment on though.

Not you personally btw.