Friends cancelled 30 mins before we were due to set off

[Monicageller221]

Had plans for last night that had been made since November. DP and I were meant to be travelling to our friends house, having a meal at a restaurant and then going back to theirs for some drinks.

It is a 45 minute drive away and they invited us to stay over so that we didn’t have to be spending money on a taxi back. The meal was already booked, and we had bought some alcohol to take with us for the evening and they also bought a bit, plus snacks.

We got all ready, bags were packed, hair done, make up done, outfit on. My sister had just arrived as she was staying at mine to look after the cats so I was downstairs having a conversation with her when DP shouted down “they’ve cancelled it!” Basically they had an argument due to the house not being tidy and one of them got into “a mood” and cancelled the whole thing. I told DP to just give it 30 mins until it’s time to leave and they might have calmed down by then. However they never picked up the phone again.

Part of me is really annoyed at this, I would never let someone down like this. Especially over the reason that they did! However another part of me is thinking maybe the messy house thing isn’t true and something else has gone on more serious? DP is really annoyed by it and thinks it was selfish to cancel so short notice without a good reason.

What would you think if this happened to you, would you be annoyed? Or this a this an ok thing to do to people?

I assume their relationship is in a pretty bad condition so I’d be hesitant to jump to assumptions. I once cancelled on me and my partner seeing a play with a friend at extremely short notice due to an argument – we broke up the next day.

Agree... and I think you would have had a miserable evening with them both in a bad mood and trying to pretend that everything was OK.

Whilst its not OK to cancel at the last minute - just as you were about to leave - I think you had a lucky escape and I think you are right that it was probably more serious and they are not ready to tell people.

This is really really shit of them.

There are two possible scenarios here.

A) She has asked him over and over to not invite people over then leave all the work for her. She knew her actions had repercussions but they were the lengths she was prepared to go to as no other strategy had worked.

B) She arrived home, saw how much work to do and threw a tantrum saying just cancel it and gave very little thought to how it impacted you two.

Personally I'd let it A go if she contacted you and acknowledged that you'd been put out. In that case I'd accept her apology and ask her was she ok and what the outcome was. This happened with a loose friend of mine and we are now really close and it did not become a pattern.

I would not be ok with B at all. Unfortunately I think it probably is B as you've mentioned before they are flaky and late all the time. My dsis is like this and always has been and literally doesn't give the other people involved a moment's thought. If i didn't know that as fact I wouldn't believe anyone could think like that.

I would wait and see how the next meetup arrangements went. Your DP should respond to any suggestions with "is it definitely going ahead as the last evening became a pita for us." Depending on their response I would decide whether to go ahead or not: "yeah I know, sorry about that* all good, anything defensive or sarcastic I wouldn't bother.

YADNBU.

I agree with this. Or there is someone in the relationship who is seriously not pulling their weight.

i could actually see myself being the one to cancel over a messy house in my marriage ( now divorced)

id ask my ex to tidy the guest room ( for example) while I went to work ( having cleaned the entire house) and I’d come back and the room wouldn’t be tidied and he’d have made the rest of the house a total pig sty!

I can see that scenario turning into a major potentially relationship ending situation and I’d be a) too upset to socialise and b) too angry to be around my ex

id check your friend is ok

We had friends cancel on us in very similar circumstances and also last minute. The next day they separated (had two children so an upheaval for all).

I appreciated their honesty and completely understood that they were going through a very rough patch.

thankfully 7 years down the line they are back together, still married and their relationship is stronger than ever.

while it’s annoying to have plans cancelled last minute you never know what others are going through. You have to admire the courage they had to let you know.

It is the two men that are friends, not the women.
Perhaps he was refusing to share in preparations for visitors and she said fxxk that, he is your friend, I'm not doing all the organising myself and I'm not going.

Very rude that they did this but it could be her putting her foot down.
He may have been playing chicken with her because he is generally a lazy twat.

Either way their issue messed the OP around and I would be bowing out of any futher arrangements.

I don't allow people to dick me around like that.

I’m so confused why anyone here is bothered or questioning why you wanted to take any amount of time to get ready to go out for a meal. I guess everyone in AIBU prefers to look like a scruffy mess when they go out for the evening. Such a weird thing to get hung up on.

JFC I can’t believe some of these responses digging you out for taking AL or ‘too long’ to get ready.
Id be same as you OP. I love scrubbing up for a night out and take my time getting ready rather than a quick 15 minute change and top up of slap.

Id be pretty pissed off to be let down at such short notice. The excuse of the messy house doesn’t tiring true imo. They knew you were coming, the fact they couldn’t get organised to tidy up seems a shoddy excuse. I’d be very reluctant to make future plans with them.

Glad you still went out and made most of your evening anyway

👌

If this is out of character, then I'd be expecting news of a separation to follow. To reach the stage where you can't put a face on it with friends, and more pertinently are no longer even bothered to conceal what's going on (there are other excuses) suggests it's serious.

So very sorry. I remember doing this once, but it only affected the babysitter.

We were going out for the first time since I'd had my son, and had arranged a babysitter. I'd asked my late husband to help me clean up as absolutely everywhere was in a mess - he came into the lounge with bits of the gas cooker, he'd dismantled it all. The rest of the kitchen was still a mess.

I lost it and said we wouldn't go out, and phoned our babysitter to cancel.

If their excuse is true, they’re a pair of immature twits. And extremely rude.

If they're usually reliable I'd think that the argument had got very heated and one or both were really upset and couldn't face socialising. It may have started over a messy house but escalated to something very upsetting. Not to say I wouldn't be disappointed but I would avoid judging them or being angry at them for it.

@Monicageller221 Honestly OP this place is mad. If you’d have posted that you finished work at 5:30 to get ready to leave at 5:45 everybody would have been indancescent “Oh my god! I can’t believe you didn’t book half a day’s leave to get ready to go to a nice restaurant! Who would only spend 15 minutes to make an effort??”

You seem very upset that you were cancelled on but don’t seem to care at all if the booking was cancelled and the restaurant was out of pocket.
I think this was probably, as many people have suggested, the man expecting is OH to get everything ready and her putting her foot down.
If this was me, I would have taken the opportunity to go out with my husband on our own.

Absolutely. This place is batshit at times. People seem to look for reasons to miss the entire point of the thread just so they can have an irrelevant dig.

She did? You should read before you reply.

You seem very upset that you were cancelled on but don’t seem to care at all if the booking was cancelled and the restaurant was out of pocket.

Well of course she cares more about her own night than the bloody restaurant booking. Who wouldn’t?

Unless it was an argument about something serious like infidelity then one or both of them need to work on emotional regulation.

Well they could have just said guys the house is a mess do you mind we don't come back to ours after ? I would expect grown adults who only live 45 mins away to go to their own home anyway.

Not @Flossflower 😂

We had some of our worst rows in the hour before guests arrived. That and in the half-hour before driving off for a holiday.

I’m impressed by people staying over even though it’s only a 45 min drive. I’d rather gnaw my foot off to get home than stay over for just a dinner party.

I suspect it wasn't the messy house, it was more likely that one of them had asked the other to tody something specific and the lazy fucker hadn't bothered, which escalated into a blazing row about how the other one had done xyz to sort the house to be guest ready and the other couldn't even be bothered to e.g. put the fresh towels out as they had been asked. Plus some dynamics like you and DH being his friends and she has done all the prep after he issued the invitation.

A dynamic that may be a repeated theme in the relationship, hence the blow up row.

The fact the bloke says "there's no talking to her when she's in a mood" gives me a great deal of sympathy for her.

Have you been here long?