Friends cancelled 30 mins before we were due to set off

[Monicageller221]

Had plans for last night that had been made since November. DP and I were meant to be travelling to our friends house, having a meal at a restaurant and then going back to theirs for some drinks.

It is a 45 minute drive away and they invited us to stay over so that we didn’t have to be spending money on a taxi back. The meal was already booked, and we had bought some alcohol to take with us for the evening and they also bought a bit, plus snacks.

We got all ready, bags were packed, hair done, make up done, outfit on. My sister had just arrived as she was staying at mine to look after the cats so I was downstairs having a conversation with her when DP shouted down “they’ve cancelled it!” Basically they had an argument due to the house not being tidy and one of them got into “a mood” and cancelled the whole thing. I told DP to just give it 30 mins until it’s time to leave and they might have calmed down by then. However they never picked up the phone again.

Part of me is really annoyed at this, I would never let someone down like this. Especially over the reason that they did! However another part of me is thinking maybe the messy house thing isn’t true and something else has gone on more serious? DP is really annoyed by it and thinks it was selfish to cancel so short notice without a good reason.

What would you think if this happened to you, would you be annoyed? Or this a this an ok thing to do to people?

They sound flaky and inconsiderate at the best of times. I’d be really pissed off if I were you and not initiate anything for the foreseeable. I cannot stand people who do this.

To him, the argument was about a messy house. To her, it was probably about something bigger, maybe she is the one always making the effort etc and it turned into a massive argument.

ExH and I had these arguments and he would have said the same thing. He still thinks I left him over an unmade bed. Arsehole.

No point going out with a couple who is in the middle of a fight, it would ruin it anyway.

If their relationship is so volatile that this is likely to happen, I don't think I would rush to make plans with them again

I think it shows a lack of respect to you. I understand if it was a row over a shocking situation, but if it was a more minor thing then no. Also, often one uses ‘I won’t go out’ as a punishment to the other because it is the other ones friend and not theirs, so they don’t care that much about seeing them and they know if will hurt and embarrass.

It’s something I would do too, so it wasn’t why I replied. I’d be annoyed too, and only they know if there is more behind it than a messy house. If there is, then fair enough. But if not then pretty crappy.

Yeah, they did them a favour by cancelling really. Really OP should be sending them a bouquet.

Imagine being lambasted for taking and afternoon off, using your own annual leave allowance. And the audacity of needing more than 15 minutes to get ready for dinner. @Monicageller221 you absolute time-wasting sinner 🤣🤣🤣.

I don't think YABU to be disappointed in them at all. It may have something serious, but you're not psychic. Based on the reason given, they're both an embarrassment.
Two grown people who can't get themselves together enough to have a tidy house for dinner. And by extension, wasting people's time.

YANBU at all.

I would be very miffed as well.

Not the same but, my Bil and Sil cancelled staying at ours at Very short notice.

No apology no proper explanation etc., and I had spent a fortune on food and drinks and special things for my niece etc.

I can understand emergency situations, but it was just a nonchalant selfish whim on their part.

So yes I can fully understand how you feel, when you’ve put so much effort and arranging into something 😒

If you're all such good friends, try to be understanding. Mental health and relationships can be very stretched, there are so many break ups over the Christmas/New Year period.

You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. I'd be sympathetic and find out if they're both OK. Be thankful you clearly have your life together in a tidyish house with a good relationship with your partner. Not everyone is so fortunate. Glad you had a lovely meal out anyway. Wishing everyone all the best.

It is a bit inconsiderate to cancel last minute. I'd rather that than have an atmosphere.

I also think the argument was over more than a messy house. Maybe the friend does not pull his weight at home. Maybe the GF is sick and tired of making all of the plans and being left to clean the house and make up the spare bedroom. Maybe her standards are impossibly high and he is fed up.

In any case, friend is rogue for describing the argument in the way he did to your partner. He seems like an arse.

I would text her to check in. If you can check the dress code it should be ok.

Use your annual leave however you want. Take all afternoon getting ready or 40 mins. That has nothing to do with your question.

I do agree with this. It's commonplace for couples to snap at each other ahead of socialising but if it tips into the kind of blazing row where they have to cancel, that's not normal at all. If I was in that couple and my partner had forced a last-minute cancellation of plans with my friends, I'd be seriously rethinking the relationship.

The two times I was cancelled on by a rowing couple, I only made plans with my original friend by him/herself after that. And then they inevitably split up.

Why shouldn't she?

I’m guessing he means: “she is in a mood because the house is a mess and I refused to help clean it so we have had an argument and there’s no getting her to accept that housework her job”

The fallout was really awful for you and DH but I would call her to get her side out of the story and offer a sympathetic ear.

However, I also wouldn’t make any plans with either of them again. Don’t invite them, either to your home or to go out.

@Onelifeonly
Read the thread.

OP has answered this question several times.

Not that it matters how long it takes her to get ready.

Don’t you ever make an extra effort when you go out?

No you’re probably beautiful enough.

Haven't rtft but maybe this is a classic bloke sees the issue being she said the house is messy and is pissed off with him, she sees it as a million things he hasn't done when he said he would and she's finally snapped.

They aren't unreasonable to cancel, you aren't unreasonable to be pissed off.

Going forward, if they don't have form for cancelling at short notice, it wouldn't bother me really

I don't think filling in the blanks and speculating is good advice when it comes to other people's relationships. These blazing rows are often about much more than the rote cliches people assume.

I'd be very unimpressed if DP went behind my back to offer sympathy to the partner of my friend in this scenario. With no actual knowledge of who was more of a dick in the argument, I'd keep out of it but keep my communication to my actual friend. In this case OP should keep out of it and let her husband continue to conduct his own friendship as he sees fit.

This thread!
It's ok OP - I take <gasp> an HOUR to get ready to go out 😳😂

And it's so not the point.

I had a thread recently asking about something, and a few prolific posters were adamant i was either outright lying about the details or was too stupid to have understood at the time and it just hadn't happened 🤔

They went on and on and then they made up completely different possible scenarios and other posters started commenting on those instead of what DID happen. It was equally funny and infuriating and totally derailed the thread.

Anyway - my answer to the point of the thread is: YWNBU to be peed off that the night was a bit ruined, but i would be more worried about the couple if they were good mates.

I'd be more worried about them than upset they'd cancelled. I'd probably check with dh and then see if the lady wanted to come out with me alone.

Dh might do the same with the bloke.

I think it's reasonable to be annoyed by their apparent immaturity and want to take this experience into consideration when planning things for the future. It doesn't mean you no longer like them and will never see them again. I'd just be hesitant to arrange outings that require a lot of planning, money, or effort in advance until they've proven themselves reliable again with more casual, impromptu visits.

If you have no reason to think otherwise, I'd take them at their word that the arguement was exactly what they said it was. If they wanted to minimise or hide a bigger problem, they could easily have said one of them had suddenly developed a migraine or upset stomach, instead, which would be a more natural white lie that wouldn't paint them in such a poor light as a silly last-minute arguement about the state of their home. People argue about these things all the time. To let it get to the point that they can't put it aside for the night and keep their commitment to friends makes them look immature, imo!

@Monicageller221 None of us knows what goes on behind closed doors. Sounds to me like maybe there is a DV implication here and one of them got hit/black eye or whatever. Could have been him or her who lost it during the argument

The text to your DH from the male partner doesn't guarantee that it was the female partner was the one in the 'mood.'

Yes, I would have been disappointed, but I suspect they did cancel for VERY good reasons

I did call it a guess, @gannett , not a fact.

And OP says she has become friends with the woman, so she may welcome a chance to say her side.

OP does see these friends regularly so she has a say in whether she wants to see them again or not, it’s not all her husband’s decision.

I think their argument completely killed the mood for socialising and they didn't have time to get out the mood.

Not good but not personal to you. If you'd gone, there would have been an atmosphere...

V rude of your friends. I find people are more selfish in recent years since COVID. Just suit themselves.

It's terrible. I hope you kept the booking and had a good night.

Their family spat is not something you should have to consider. They are not gracious nor thinking of you.
They should have at least said that they had the vomits, were sorry to cancel and hope you go out without them.

Me and DP were in a very similar situation. We were really pissed off and felt disappointed in their immaturity. We’re in our 30’s and 40s and we felt this was 20-something year old behaviour.

It was such a letdown as we’d had a really good laugh with them last time we met up and all said we should do this more often.