Friends cancelled 30 mins before we were due to set off

[Monicageller221]

Had plans for last night that had been made since November. DP and I were meant to be travelling to our friends house, having a meal at a restaurant and then going back to theirs for some drinks.

It is a 45 minute drive away and they invited us to stay over so that we didn’t have to be spending money on a taxi back. The meal was already booked, and we had bought some alcohol to take with us for the evening and they also bought a bit, plus snacks.

We got all ready, bags were packed, hair done, make up done, outfit on. My sister had just arrived as she was staying at mine to look after the cats so I was downstairs having a conversation with her when DP shouted down “they’ve cancelled it!” Basically they had an argument due to the house not being tidy and one of them got into “a mood” and cancelled the whole thing. I told DP to just give it 30 mins until it’s time to leave and they might have calmed down by then. However they never picked up the phone again.

Part of me is really annoyed at this, I would never let someone down like this. Especially over the reason that they did! However another part of me is thinking maybe the messy house thing isn’t true and something else has gone on more serious? DP is really annoyed by it and thinks it was selfish to cancel so short notice without a good reason.

What would you think if this happened to you, would you be annoyed? Or this a this an ok thing to do to people?

The messy house may not have been the real reason at all, it is still very late IMO to cancel. To me the only real excuse would be an emergency such as hospitalisation or similar.
My DH and I had an enormous row before driving to a relative's house, and we weren't speaking for most of the (hour and a half) journey. However, as we approached our destination, we realised how we would appear and made a huge effort to smooth things over.
A meal in a reasturant would definitely take me more than 15 mins. I know I would find a dirty mark on my dress, or it would suddenly be too small, and I would be rummaging around to find an alternative, etc. In fact anything other than jeans would robably take me more than 15 mins.
I hope the OP and her DP went out elsewhere together.

To be fair to them, we were close friends and they also had kids the same age as my older two. They gave more than thirty minutes notice though - I think it was an afternoon.

and they were in the area, had overnight stuff and thought they’d give you a buzz and accept an overnight invite from your husband who clearly had not run it past you.

I mean, they don’t come across great

People can go through patches when they're more shit and more flaky than other times.

My friends cancelled 30 mins before they were due to ARRIVE at mine, when I'd already cooked dinner and spent loads of money making a big meal and buying nice wine.

I was so pissed off I took a step back, and didn't bother with them for a while, but a few years later they've bucked up their ideas and I still really value them as mates.

Annoying, but don't cut off your nose to spite your face.

Absolutely this. I’ve had friends let me down before and it completely messed up my life. I need intense therapy now as I struggle to get out of bed because of it. Might set up a go fund me. Please pray for me.

The late notice is really bad, and I suspect the argument involved one leaving the house
It's embarrassing to admit to friends you've had an argument.
I would be a bit disappointed but at least the journey was 45 minutes not 4 hours.
I would've just gone out with DP locally though as you were ready

It's not ideal but I don't see the problem.

Also, you never know if there is a more important reason like one of them is struggling with anxiety, depresion, adictions, they lost a baby...

I never take umbrage at cancelled plans.

In the OP it states she and her DP were staying overnight.

@SadSandwich How is she not? I'd be getting a bit fed up if people were dissecting my reasoning for taking half a day off work.

@HotChocolateNotCocoa @notanaskhole

I am quite aware that some people don’t care about cancelling restaurant bookings, hairdresser’s appointments etc. They just don’t turn up. Most decent people do though.

I am not saying the OP should care more about the cancellation of the restaurant than her own cancellation.

BigDahliaFan · Today 09:08

crashbandicooty · Today 09:04
I kind of admire their honesty because it's really embarrassing to admit to your friends that you have had an argument that serious that you have had to cancel your whole evening.
**
Unless they have flakey form I’d be thinking this

Id be worried that one of them was a controlling arsehole.

Thanks everyone for your replies. As I said in my original post, one part of me was annoyed while the other half undersands that I may not have the full story, and therefore can’t judge too harshly. I’ve never said that I’m so angry about this and will never see them again etc . At the time of the cancellation I of course felt a bit annoyed and disappointed because that’s just how it feels to have plans cancelled on you at such last minute when you were looking forward to it. However, today I felt differently and thought we probably don’t have the full picture. But DP is adamant that it’s a shitty thing to do and that anyone would feel the same. So I wanted to post here just to see what other peoples feelings would be on this.

I agree with the people who said it probably started off as an argument about the mess and then escalated into a bigger row to the point where the atmosphere wouldn’t have been great if we continued.

By posting here I was only looking for other perspectives on how people would feel, out of curiosity. I’m not looking for confirmation that either opinion is right or wrong. I genuinely just wanted to know other peoples takes and see whether DP was right that most people would be pissed off

I am quite aware that some people don’t care about cancelling restaurant bookings, hairdresser’s appointments etc. They just don’t turn up. Most decent people do though.

Op didn't make the booking so I would think the onus would be on whoever booked!

Oh yes I forgot to mention this. The restaurant was booked by them so I just assumed as they are the ones who cancelled the evening and made the booking, they would've called the restaurant

You did mention that it was them who had booked Op.

When the girlfriend booked the table I messaged her and said it looks like quite a fancy restaurant, is there a dress code?

That was some time this morning!

I wouldn’t end a friendship over it. I was responding to the poster who intimated that it was a totally fine way to act and that people can cancel whenever they wanted.

fir me, I’ve got friends who are reliable and never flake, so if they did this I’d know that something was up and I’d reaching out and supporting them.

Ive hit others that can be flaky to a degree and if they pulled out in the manner that op describes, I’d kniw they were being flaky and I’d be really pissed off and would tell them.

@Monicageller221 shame on you for not thinking about everything. Did you make sure their milk was cancelled?

even if it wasn't a serious argument, if it was bad enough for them to cancel, it doesn't sound as if it would have been a great evening/weekend. Probably for the best that they did cancel.

Then why are you expecting this to be a key point of the thread?

i don’t think that poster wanted it to be the “key point of the thread”

Given your focus on this point though, it kind of looks like it’s become the key point of the thread to you! 😆

I'd be worried about their relationship. Does this mean they are fighting? Was it physical? Which is your friend? Check in and see what the real reason was. Don't just focus on your own inconvenience.

Me too! Then the restaurant doesn’t lose the whole table and you all get to have fun

If I was guessing, the bed hasn't been made up (and maybe no clean sheets) and the spare bedroom looked a tip and he was supposed to have helped clean up for guests and hadn’t (ie washing up stacked up, muddy boots, crumbs everywhere, toilet and bathroom needing a wipe etc) and she was livid and couldn't pull it together in time (and he was saying Don't worry about it (as men generally aren't so bothered) and she was livid. Only guessing though........😊

Me and my husband spent about 10 years having arguments like this.
once we discovered he had undiagnosed ADHD and serious childhood trauma bonds we started to work out how to avoid them.
i was talking to him as if he could and should be able to do things other people do (he has ADHD so his brain doesn’t work like I assumed it did). He felt inadequate that he couldn’t do things I expected from him that I assumed were easy for him. (They weren’t but I didn’t know that at the time).
his mother was emotionally abusive and spent his childhood causing arguments. It was the only way he knew how to react. A trauma bond.

i suspect there’s something going on like that.

I can relate. I get a lot of anxiety about cleaning when someone is coming round to ours. I like everything nice and tidy where as my other half is quite relaxed about it so we always end up having arguments And I would be lying if I say i didn't think of canceling plans. But on the other hand I have never cancelled it just because of that.
I think argument get so heated up that they are no longer in a position to go out together and even if they did they would have ruined it for everyone.
I know it's disappointing but it happens next time best to keep it to just eating out, 45 min drive back is not too bad.