To wish I hadn’t married a man with a well paid job

[butteronthebread]

DH earns well, not loads but realistically is always going to be more than me.

So as a result it’s naturally meant my career has had to take a back seat. I know some manage without any compromises but we’ve no additional support and someone does need to do the child related things so this lands on me.

its very much diamond shoes are too tight. And I know this. But sometimes I wish I had the luxury of working more.

I don't think it's natural that your career has to take a back street. There's a big disparity in what DH and I earn but my job is just as important and we're 50:50 parents.

If your husband earns well you could afford childcare, be it a nanny, aupair, nursery....you could make it happen.

Could be worse OP, your neighbours could be putting rubbish in your wheelie bin

Count your blessings. 🤷‍♀️

Would you be up for a swap?

Why naturally? It's up to you and your partner to re-negotiate it if it's not working for you. I'm by far the higher earner but it's still been my career that's taken a backseat, it's me who does all the housework and childcare and drops work to collect sick kids etc while DH's job is always the priority. It's mostly by choice, he'd struggle to get another job as he isn't qualified and his job isn't flexible. I can earn more than him even whilst working part-time so that's what I do. Your partner could always do that too.

I don’t follow the logic. Why does him earning well mean your career has to take a back seat? Millions of couples both have high earning jobs!

It's a BS excuse, I know plenty of men with lower earning partners who still do the school run, because it's important to them.

Do you have the appetite to train into something higher earning yourself, if that's what you want to do?

Me and my husband are in a similar situation. We don’t have children but my husbands out the house 14-15 hours a day so I just can’t see how it could possibly work with both of us working and kids. And nursery hours are what 8 until 6? I could not make that work with my job, there is no way, I would need far more hours than that and there are times I need to drop everything and just focus on work.

I came to conclusion long ago that you are much better off in so many ways including financially if you both have easier less well paid jobs where hours are sensible, rather than one person being forced to go part time or give up completely when kids arrive.

That’s the thing - he earns well but not THAT well. We use a nursery but obviously they aren’t 24/7.

@duckduckgooseduckagain - I’m aware but the thing is those things awful as they are aren’t part of my life. This is.

@Youtookmyhandle in theory yes. In practice I’m just not going to earn the same.

I hear you OP, in a similar situation myself. Civil service job vs role with big earning potential and thrice as much monthly salary. We're lucky of course, but it's a no brainer which one of us should be part time and pick up the childcare slack, and then the gap widens. To the poster above who talks about nannies, au pairs etc - I want to raise my children and not outsource everything while also having a successful career. Unfortunately we have been told we can have everything but realistically we can't 100% and society hasn't caught up with this realisation yet.

I think if you both have high earning jobs it’s more equal, in a way.

If both earn quite well but modestly so if you like and one is away a lot - and then the other has to be around more because someone has to look after the children - then that’s how it is. If we both earned similar amounts I guess that would be different.

Yes, this is our problem and plus we just aren’t in the nanny bracket if you like.

Yes, very similar situation here!

Unless you're struggling for money as a family and this is the only way to survive financially, then I don't think your career should have to take a back seat. Fairness, independence, job satisfaction, future-proofing in case he became unable to work... these are all important too. I'd push back on the assumption that his career comes first.

It's not a race to the bottom! OP can be frustrated that her career takes a back seat without that meaning she doesn't know others are worse off (in fact she acknowledges it).

But if we’re going to maintain our lifestyles, it does. It just does and no amount of complaining changes that.

Why not divorce and marry a poor man?

My husband earns more than me, both our jobs are valued the same, neither career has taken a back seat compared to the other.

A piss take of other thread I presume. Very amusing. The OP on that thread is a goady, self-regarding, attention seeking twit. Woe is me because I make £116k and DH makes £600k and I have to cook in the evening. Sob sob sob. The nanny, cleaner, dog walker, housekeeper and driver don’t help and it makes me feel under appreciated.

I don’t think this is a problem with the disparity in earnings, it’s a problem with attitudes to money (and available time). If a ft teacher dad earns less than a pt management consultant mum, does that mean the dad does more of the joint parent duties?

It’s nothing to do with earnings. There are many many women who have husbands with low earning jobs who’ve lost out on career choices/advancement because of childcare.

Instead of feeling sorry for yourself be grateful that you DH earns well and that you are more comfortable than most. Then work out his to change this and readdress the balance. It’s time to work on your career and he needs to help accommodate that. Childcare is not your responsibility alone.

Why does your career count less just because you earn less? If you’re on the breadline, ok, but otherwise you should be sharing childcare etc. If not, it’s a vicious circle because you’ll never earn more if you deprioritise yourself and the gap grows and grows.

sounds like his job is pretty rubbish actually- only earns modestly but has to be away a lot. Your problem is you married someone with a job that is NOT great, rather than someone who is “well paid”.