To wish I hadn’t married a man with a well paid job

[butteronthebread]

DH earns well, not loads but realistically is always going to be more than me.

So as a result it’s naturally meant my career has had to take a back seat. I know some manage without any compromises but we’ve no additional support and someone does need to do the child related things so this lands on me.

its very much diamond shoes are too tight. And I know this. But sometimes I wish I had the luxury of working more.

I think the majority of the time this is due to the man/father being unwilling to take up his load, rather than being unable too. Far too many men insist that they can't and don't even try, and far too many women accept it.

DH has always outlearned me and was on a high salary with a 'big job' even before having kids. He also did 6 months parental leave and did nursery pick ups and drops offs 2-3 times a week. He now has an even bigger job and earns even more and still manages to do the school run every morning and pick up twice a week.

His kids are a priority to him, as is making sure I am also happy and fulfilled in my career. He made sure his employers always knew this and they haven't quibbled with him.

@Ratisshortforratthew but in some jobs that would kind of be like saying ‘I am a pilot and only want to fly once a month’ or ‘I’m a vet but only want to work with animals once a week.’

For some jobs that’s just … how it is!

OP, so can you afford a nanny or not? If you can, it is your and dh's choice to not use them. Feel free to 'prioritise' your children and dh's career over your career. That is your choice.

When you use the word 'outsource' in relation to childcare, I am not sure you are aware of the negative value-judgement that word carries to people who do use childcare, whether because they have no choice or whether they don't have the same concerns that you do whilst still being great parents. Your posts are dancing around this issue so I assume you know.

I agree I wouldn’t want this set up at all, he is never at home op.

I imagine the OP is in the position where he earns well, but not enough for the luxury of paying for a nanny/house help etc. Hence why all the child duties falls on her, it's natural to feel stuck. But it won't be forever, once your children are older, in school or reach school age, you can do more for your own career.
It's amazing how much self worth comes from having a job/career responsibilities outside of your own kids.

Do you work in the same industry/sector? Have similar skills? If not, it’s very easy to be taken in by his rigid view of his career. He may not want to change company, move sideways, take on a role that involves less travelling. If you don’t have any inside track then he can easily convince you there are no options. It may not be true and he owes it to you to explore them and explain.

Might be better off financially but clearly OP isn't happy. There's definitely a point to it if it would make OP happy.

Did you discuss it before having kids? I still don’t see why you can’t work full time and use a nursery and your husband shares all chores and parenting 50/50 when he isn’t travelling.

Well, this is a good question and I’ll hold my hands up and admit I was very naive. I didn’t estimate how much children take (I don’t mean that horribly.) Plus, we had our first in lockdown and for a while it looked like flexible working was there to stay and now it isn’t and slowly, slowly things have got more and more and he’s travelling more and away more and I’ve realised there’s no way I could work full time, even if I wanted to, until both children have left primary school, at which point I am not sure I will be climbing the greasy pole!

And those jobs are not for everybody.

Your op is tone deaf with what others are going through right in now. However, I have been where you are and I agree. It's a gilded cage. I would suggest that unless you have a burning ambition to be at home with your kids and his career facilitates that, you work as if you were going to be single in a decade. Because you could be and no one will be handing out rewards for martyrdom then.

But ultimately it's a choice isn't it? Deciding to have kids with someone and planning what that will look like in terms of day to day responsibilities?

It's one of the reasons dh and I decided that we'd both take our careers very seriously and go for promotions but not SUCH jet setting work that either of us would be away loads, or massively out-earn the other. We wanted to share things as equally as possible, both in terms of financial responsibility and children/ domestic responsibilities.

Presumably you knew the situation when you decided to have children and you agreed that your career would take a back seat. And actually the reality is that a lot of women actually welcome that. They want to be the one who works part time, or even stops work altogether, who's around to do more school picks ups and assemblies. They don't want the pressure of being main breadwinner.

Clearly that's not the case for you OP and you want your career to be equally important. You need to look at ways to make that happen, whether it's your dh changing to a different work role, you moving jobs, tweaking working hours.... etc There are various possibilities, I'm not saying it's all simple but ultimately, there are choices about the set up you have for your family life

There are many, many threads on here where women have been left screwed because they’ve allowed their partner to prioritise their career, their pension and their earnings.
I’m absolutely not suggesting that it’s easy whatever you choose, but children are the responsibility of both parents and yes, the early years are massively stressful.
I’m on the other side of it all now - have always worked - and I see how not having a career has hugely affected my friends, even those that are still married.
I would find a way to keep working at your career in however small a fashion. Yes there will be sacrifices - from everyone - but they grow up so quickly and there’s a lot of your life left once they’re independent.

I’ve answered the first part just actually.

So - why couldn’t I work full time; because wraparound care doesn’t cover it. It only starts at 8 and finishes at 415. So that means getting to work for half eight and finishing at 4. And that just isn’t compatible with a demanding career.

For goodness sake! We all have problems and they matter to us despite there being starving children in the world.

95% of mumsnet would close down if everyone had your attitude

You don't have to give exact figures, but what kind of well paid but not that well paid salary are we talking? My DH earns more than me, but not enough for a nanny or for me not to work. Therefore, my job is important too, and we both have to take the hit with pick ups, sick days, etc.

If he doesn’t earn enough for you to stop working then your jobs are equally important.

Must be a hard problem to have.

@Bbqnights he earns around 100, which we have to keep at just under because of childcare costs. Which is a lot I know but equally it doesn’t pay for nannies and the like.

People are allowed to post about whatever they please. There's no need to be so rude.

I understand completely what you mean. my husband earns around 3x what I do, and I’d say I earn a decent wage myself. the nature of his job is that he works long hours and also gets moved around a lot so it’s hard to settle, I’ve chosen to “sacrifice” my career for his because 1. I’ve never seen someone love their job as much as he loves his and 2. He earns way more than I could ever dream of and if he changed to another job and I continued in full time work we still wouldn’t make up to his current salary.

sometimes it upsets me, but I knew what I was getting into marrying him. A lot of the men in his (male dominated) work are divorced, and those who are not - their wives have their own “widow” club, as they say they have lost them to the work🤣

Why don’t you, between both of you it looks like you can afford it .

A childminder will be more flexible than school wraparound care. That's what we used once the children were school age. We had no before school club, and the after school provision was only until 4:30, absolutely useless for us. Dh or I dropped the children at the childminder at 7:30 and she'd walk them to school. Reverse in the evening.

What is your earning potential and why couldn’t it cover good childcare?

With your dh’s salary together you could afford it?