To wish I hadn’t married a man with a well paid job

[butteronthebread]

DH earns well, not loads but realistically is always going to be more than me.

So as a result it’s naturally meant my career has had to take a back seat. I know some manage without any compromises but we’ve no additional support and someone does need to do the child related things so this lands on me.

its very much diamond shoes are too tight. And I know this. But sometimes I wish I had the luxury of working more.

That's nonsense, I'm in the same position as you and work for the civil service but full time. The only reason you aren't, is because you want to raise your children and not outsource everything. That's your decision then and why you work part time and dint have a successful career. It's not because of your dh job.

That's a lifestyle choice then. You could choose more equality in your relationship, more time with the kids for him, and less money overall. Might be a nicer lifestyle for both of you, though financially poorer.

I was in a similar position when the children were younger and there were times when I felt resentful.
Once our youngest started school I got a job and told DH it’s your turn now. I still do all
pick ups and drop offs for logistical reasons but he does the sick days, he does the reading mornings and sports days. I can now focus on my job without guilt and it feels great.

Its only for a time, kids very soon grow up - just appreciate the fortunate (through hard graft) financial position you are in. Your work will soon be back. There are worse things to worry about such as health which can hit anyone anytime.

Charming!

I haven’t seen the other thread, I’m really sorry.

I genuinely wouldn’t have posted if I’d realised there was another thread. I mean that.

Don't fall into the trap of comparing earnings and basing the domestic workload on that. Just because he earns more, doesn't mean he does less at home.

Instead, look at free hours and the leisure time you each get. If you are both full time, then you share housework (and childcare and mental load) 50/50 - he can't opt out just because his work is "tougher" and he claims to be more tired.

If your work hours are less, adjust the split accordingly. But make sure that he is not sitting on the sofa each evening, or going out, whilst you are still doing housework or running round after the children.

It is partly but realistically, I’m not sure what we could do.

Could I insist he quits his job? I’m not sure I could. And be a reluctant and resentful SAHD, or part time one? Hardly a good idea.

Re could I study - I have a degree. Im not stupid or badly qualified but just the same I’m never going to be a brain surgeon or city banker or anything.

I don’t think you can force somebody to go part time and probably nor should you.

@ShaneFulorgy good one, that's proper made me laugh

@AyrnotAir what I meant was - we, not I, don't want to outsource everything. We chose to have children and so we will do our best by them and not give them 50% effort and work 50% and do everything a little bit subpar.

There are only 24 hours in a day, someone needs to be able to sort medical appointments, school pick ups, help with homework. If my husband earns 3-4x what I do, it's a no brainer who will give that time to raising our children. And if I have to choose what to prioritise, my children or my career, I will always choose my children. That doesn't mean I don't value my career.

🍪

Then how is it that he can demand that you're part time?

You both have responsibility for raising the kids, that should start from an assumption that you both take on 50% of the work.

Oh behave yourself. People are allowed to have their own problems.

Starving and being poor has got nothing to do it.

@jenevivech i have similar thoughts. Of course that’s partly a choice but not all of it. DHs job means he’s away a lot, I’d be doing lots of late nights if I progressed in my career, besides after school is only open until 430. It just isn’t doable.

I get you.

DH’s job is more important to society than mine is, and if is becoming increasingly senior. It pays fine but not amazing. It’s the sort of job where he often can’t just drop things to help with the kids, or may suddenly find himself working several days straight with barely a break, or having leave cancelled.

As a result, while I’m fortunate I also earn reasonably well, I’m stuck in a role with little growth left and pretty much no option to move because I have been there so long I get the enormous flexibility I need to keep working and look after the kids around his work.

On the outside it must look absolutely rosy but there are times I’m really resentful that my career has ended up taking a back seat to his.

@CantHoldMeDown that's great for you, but i would need to be at least 15 years older and more experienced to reach the max of my earning potential and it would still be 1/6 of my husband's future earning potential. Also, my husband is very hands on and involved with his children - the minutiae of child rearing is what I refer to - the drudgery some would say. Someone has to do it and sacrifice, and it makes full sense that the lower earner which happens to be me, does so. In doing so, we are saving for our children's future education and experiences and I'm willing to do that for them. That doesn't mean it isn't frustrating to have to do so

You have a DH problem, he needs to step up and talk to his employer about flexible working. He'll bleat it isn't possible as he has a big menz job, but that isn't true.

Don't accept this shit OP.

He doesn’t @ManchesterGirl2

But, someone has to take children to and from school / nursery, someone has to be here at night to do dinner and bath and bed, someone has to do all those things. The only way around that is with a full time live in nanny I think. And that’s beyond most peoples financial situation!

But I have realised recently I’m trapped in a job I don’t love for convenience which is a pain in some ways.

Yes same situation.

@BookGoblin flexible working only works to a point. He’s in Dublin next week (we live in England) and Scotland two weeks after that. In march he’s in Poland for a week. Fine but he can’t work flexibly from there. He just can’t and so someone has to do the other stuff.

Doctor @HEC2746 ?

I am really grateful to the people who ‘get it.’ I really am.

It isn't naturally though, is it? It's a choice. A valid choice but it is still a choice, not something you were forced to do because not everyone does make the same choice in the same situation.

And this is the crux if it. It’s nothing to do with what he earns, it’s that he has a job that keeps him away from home. Do his skills and experience ONLY lend themselves to jobs that involve this much travel? Is he really being paid enough to compensate for the inconvenience and disruption?

Some jobs are just incompatible with an ideal family life. To do them you either need to have no kids or a spouse who has agreed to take on all the responsibility. If it turns out your spouse didn’t really think through all the consequences then you need to go back to the drawing board.