To wish I hadn’t married a man with a well paid job

[butteronthebread]

DH earns well, not loads but realistically is always going to be more than me.

So as a result it’s naturally meant my career has had to take a back seat. I know some manage without any compromises but we’ve no additional support and someone does need to do the child related things so this lands on me.

its very much diamond shoes are too tight. And I know this. But sometimes I wish I had the luxury of working more.

@HotCrossBunplease thing is, if he earned a lot less and travelled it would be a no brainer. As it is, it isn’t.

I earn 2.5x what my partner does and my career definitely does not take priority over his. He actually had an amazing year at his job.

You grow up. It’s a public forum, anyone can post about anything. She’s not posting about money, she’s posting about her career taking a back seat and she acknowledges that others are worse off. Why make it a race to the bottom ?

I disagree with your premise because I'm the high earning one in our relationship, me and DH have always both worked full time and neither of us have had to put our careers on the back burner because we chose to have children.

If you wanted to continue to progress your career then you would be able to I find a way to make that work.

A brain surgeon married to a city banker might find herself in your same predicament

Presumably it would also be a no brainer if he earned a lot MORE and travelled, because you could afford a nanny. Doesn’t that mean that what he currently earns is not enough, since for you “enough” would be an amount that lets you pursue your career.

Has he always been the higher earner? I mean, if you went into marriage and parenthood with him knowing this, then what did you think would happen when children came along? Especially as, by your own admission, you don’t make enough for a nanny. You must have known you would be the one to pick up the work involving raising the children.

Can you stop working and retrain? Working in a miserable environment or a job that is lacklustre is a really miserable way to live. In your place I would look to change professions.

I hear what you are saying about little room for manoeuvre, because your dh doesn’t earn enough to make this easier for you to buy in help, and everything is falling to you.

Yes and no.

I think in those instances where two people earn very highly indeed then they would have a nanny, even a live in one.

We are nowhere near that level of wealth unfortunately but just the same DH earns twice what I do full time and three times my part time salary.

I think you are right. Both having middle of the road jobs also means you get Child Benefit.

I don't understand

I earn twice what my husband does and we split childcare and house stuff evenly.

If you were travelling all of the time how do you split the housework and childcare?

Nope. We've no family support either but value both of our careers equally despite DH earning 4 times as much as me.

We take it in turns to deal with child related stuff, for example, today school closed early due to the weather and DH collected them.

DH is a higher earner, weirdly it means he actually has more flexibility than others because he’s highly trusted so he wanders out of the office at 4:30 a lot to watch Dd do her sport. I think honestly theres no reason you can’t be doing 50/50 I have a sibling where both parents have to travel, but they have some control so the kids are never left without one parent in charge. Their earnings aren’t the same but they both care about their careers so they split the workload. I think you need to start pushing back OP.

I think that the question is “has he always worked in a career that involved periods away from home”. The salary’s a red herring, plenty high earners don’t work massively long hours or travel a lot. Office based jobs allow everyone a lot more WFH flexibility too, it’s easier than ever for high earning people to juggle personal responsibilities.

There's nothing 'natural' about it, though. I earn about two third of what DH does (I'm an academic, he's a CEO with bonuses), but it has never occurred to either of us that this would in any way mean that my career would take a back seat to his. He would be the first to acknowledge that what I do is far more worthwhile.

I completely understand where you are coming from. I was in your position when my children were nursery age up until the tail end of primary. I worked 9-3 , Mon- Thursday, did all school pick ups and drop offs and pretty much all the holiday cover (whilst having an equally well paid job and responsibility level as my husband). With the advent of hybrid working and kids getting older I've been back full-time and been promoted. What I would say is hang in there 💪 At some point the kids will be less dependent and you'll have more flexibility to work longer days.

But you’ve basically been forced to take a back seat with your career because he’s just assumed he won’t have to make any changes.

When people say it’s a no brainer that the lower earner does more house/child stuff I always think it should be the other way around. Surely a higher earner dropping a day or two a week would have far less financial impact if they earn so well and mean that both parents do equal parenting around work.

This attitude of “oh he just can’t, his job requires 100-hour days 8 days per week and 3 trips to the moon per quarter” is exactly why inequality persists. He CAN. He could ask for flexibility, a 4-day week, tell his boss he can’t do more than one trip abroad a year, delegate the overseas work to a colleague or his direct reports if he has them. Men can all do this - the more senior you are the more leeway you usually have to dictate your own schedule. They absolutely can, they just don’t want to and won’t as long as their partners keep enabling them and not demanding it.

Oh come on, you can't keep saying that every time someone has a problem.

The OP wants a career. As she earns less than her husband it makes sense (to him) that he has his career and hers takes second place. Can't you understand that's not good for her?

Could you make the choice (together) for a lifestyle change? I wouldn't like DH being away that much, regardless of how much he earnt, if it meant huge extra load on me.

This is another reason we’d be reluctant for him to move jobs. But just the same sometimes you have to be somewhere or things have to be done I suppose.

Just because your OH earns well does not mean you cannot also pursue your own career to whatever degree you wish.

I’m not sure what else he’d do instead to be honest.

No point in paying out for nannies if the second wage doesn't completely cover it. I know MN has a logic you should both pay a share but really as a couple your better off not paying that out.

Not to mention its kind of nice for one of you at least to be there for your kid's.