To wish I hadn’t married a man with a well paid job

[butteronthebread]

DH earns well, not loads but realistically is always going to be more than me.

So as a result it’s naturally meant my career has had to take a back seat. I know some manage without any compromises but we’ve no additional support and someone does need to do the child related things so this lands on me.

its very much diamond shoes are too tight. And I know this. But sometimes I wish I had the luxury of working more.

You’re free to make that point, but you don’t need to frame it as a contradiction of what I said, because I was making a totally different point!

This is what I did too.

At my company, the more senior you are, the more flexibility you have. WFH was a thing before covid too.

To be honest, a childminder to do school drop off and pick up can offer more flexibility if a primary school doesn't offer wraparound provision.

Very few people can do a school drop off for an 8:45 or 9:00 start and then get to work on time. Dh and I certainly couldn't so we used a childminder.

I do agree with your overall point OP, and I don't know why everyone is being so arsey with you. You're very obviously right on the general substance (just not on wishing you were poorer as a family, which is what the original subject line seemed to suggest).

Can you agree with a DH a period when the kids are older where it's your time, and your career comes first? At that point he steps back/goes PT so you can focus 100 per cent and make lost ground?

That's my plan anyway. My DH is 12 years older than me, so when he winds down towards retirement and the DC are heading towards uni/leaving home I'm going to really put my food down during my 50s and 60s.

*foot down

They didn't "think it was fine". They were drowning and their dickhead DHs did nothing to help and prioritised themselves, letting their wives careers be trashed as a result.

Look at the post Covid divorce rate among parents of then young (primary) age children - it's extremely high

One woman's toddler drowned as she tried to look after toddler twins while also being expected to be on back to back zoom calls.

@LostittoBostik it's not about being arsey, it's just frustrating when women sleepwalk into situations and then complain.

And to be honest, the OP made it clear she really likes the lifestyle her dh's almost 100k salary brings. That income would certainly have easily paid childcare for the first child, enabling her to keep up her career at full steam without compromising it. But she didn't and chose to have a second child.

People have pointed out that there are choices which lead to every situation. The OP made her choices, including living very rurally where childcare is less accessible. She also says she doesn't want to move. Or to discuss with her dh for him to maybe reconsider his work pattern.

A lot of people will post that you are ungrateful and should be glad you are financially comfortable.

But I sympathise. When my husband and I met we earned very similar. But as I took time out to have children DH’s career literally took off (he is a pilot).

Yes, we are okay money wise but I am resentful. The lion’s share of house, admin and child rearing automatically falls onto me cause I am at home and have the time. Dh does just enough not to piss me off. If I could switch roles and it not negatively impact my family I 100% would.

Dh gets so much self esteem and self worth from his job. I would love to wake up each morning get glammed up and and go to a job where I am respected and valued. Adult conversation would also be nice. Especially if my family catered to my sleep schedule the way we do for Dh.

Right now my everyday is very mundane and I can’t deny I am resentful. I even make an effort to go out, go to the gym and socialise in the evenings but the drudgery of the days are just mind numbing. When I explain this to dh he encourages me to get out and meet up with other mum friends during the day but no amount of coffee play dates can really make up for up how boring it all is.

Please go back to work. You are highly qualified.
As you said no amount of chats with other mums will substitute to have a career, being financially independent, using your education. You can do it. Start just looking into it, how you can make it possible. Spend money (lots if the kids are small) in the best childcare you can afford. You will be glad you did. x

@CyanViewer I totally echo what @girlswillbegirls says.

I’ve been in this situation. One thing I’d add from my experience is that it’s easy to lose confidence when you’ve been out of the workplace for a bit or have soft-pedalled your career, and then it becomes all too easy to tell yourself that you would be at work (or in a more senior position) but you can’t because you’ve sacrificed your career etc etc, when in fact that’s your loss of confidence talking and you could actually make the necessary changes to prioritise your career if you really wished to.

Not saying you should do any particular thing- I’ve had periods of SAHM, PT work and now FT work and they’ve all been valuable- but it is important to be honest with yourself about what’s out of your control and what’s within your control, and what’s the result of patriarchy etc and what’s actually the result of your own choices. I know from experience that it’s very easy to make a series of choices that each felt sensible at the time but taken together led to a situation I wouldn’t have chosen.