To wish I hadn’t married a man with a well paid job

[butteronthebread]

DH earns well, not loads but realistically is always going to be more than me.

So as a result it’s naturally meant my career has had to take a back seat. I know some manage without any compromises but we’ve no additional support and someone does need to do the child related things so this lands on me.

its very much diamond shoes are too tight. And I know this. But sometimes I wish I had the luxury of working more.

If he wasn’t paid as well as you want in your thread title how does that actually help?

I earn more than DH. I have four times his earning potential. Yet he has manouvered himself into a position where he is working ridiculous hours to push me into the domestic role. I’m furious!! It could be worse OP. I feel like I have the worst of both worlds. I’m not sure I’ll stay TBH.

It doesn’t mean your career takes a back seat. You need to work out an equitable arrangement for child caring responsibilities. My husband also has a senior job but he still has to do his bit. Given so many households nowadays have both parents working it really is not uncommon to see more senior people having to do a share of kids stuff. It’s becoming much more normal. You’ll always get the lazy twats who just make excuses and dodge their responsibilities.

Oh get a grip and stop using virtue signalling just to be nasty.

We’ve done this the other way around. When we got together, DH earned about 4 times as much as me. We prioritised my career and now I earn about three-quarters of what he earns. Obviously I’m not over-taking him yet but it’s meant we have a fairly equal partnership - our earning potential isn’t too far apart and DH is a very hands-on dad who pulls his weight around the house,

What are you actually unhappy about?

Do you want your life to have more value to the outside world or more equal income?

I don’t think I’m unhappy @mumda but I am trapped in a job I don’t like very much which is a bit frustrating in many ways.

Why would it be different? If you earn the same,less or equal to your husband, there still gotta be someone to pick up the kids from school and someone to stay with them when they're sick?
I can honestly say it does not bother me to be there for my children when they want or need me. Doesn't matter what I earn?

I never understand why women think ‘well,naturally my career went on the back burner’ why? You don’t have to sit back and passively prop up someone else life.
you need to change your mindset and just go for it.

it’s never easy to do these things but it is possible.

@Ohhbaby Because if we both earned what DH does we could probably afford a nanny. And if we both earned what I do, it would probably be a lot more ‘equal.’ As it is, there is an imbalance.

I think you can recognise this is best for everyone at the moment but also be a bit frustrated by it.

I don’t disagree sexism is an issue @Blanca87 but nonetheless it’s more to do with earnings than money.

OP you aren't unreasonable and the problem is when women are delighted to tking a back seat.
10 years ago my DH was earning 3x my salary and fast forward now we are both earning the same, with him earning a bit more, but he might now look for a job with a slight paycut as is close to burnout in hus current role. And it's fair enough.

It doesn't happen by magic. Back 10 years ago I said to him my career was important to me and that I couldn't be the one focusing in the kids and the house just because I was the low earner. He really supported me in my career by doing his parenting part, requesting flexibility, dropping work when required (hospital appointments etc), the same as I did, but 50% of the time, so very equal approach.

He is now very happy we are both high earners. He is in a lot of pressure and can relax, he can conte.plate a paycut. He doesn't have to be the man with the big job. And I don't have to accept I'm the wife focusing on my kids because they are "my priority".

Talk to your husband. Tell him how important is for you to advance on your career. Make it happen.

And yes, the imbalance is real.
Thats why women need to behave they want the same things.

Sounds to me like your best bet is to rethink and probably move to a less rural area. Then you can use childcare which covers the hours you need to work full time and start building up your career. Aside from anything else, your pension is taking a hammering if you're only working part time.

Yes it's an upheaval but the alternative seems to be staying put, having no decent childcare, you being stuck doing school drops off and pick up until the youngest is 11 and finishing primary school. And I bet the next thing is that living so rurally, you'll need to drive them to a bus stop for secondary school .... etc etc ....

Before you know it, you'll be at the end of your working life with a crap pension and years of frustration at not achieving what you're capable of.

Make the changes now - play the long game

I won’t have a crap pension (?) I did work before, during and after children as well. Part time for a few years does not = crap pension. It DOES mean little opportunity to progress and thus earn more.

What support do you need? We are both high earners (me more so), and we have no "support". We like live in a different country to our families. We are in the UK, and pay for after school club and holiday clubs, and a cleaner. Everything else, we split equally. What is it that's bothering you/what are you doing additionally for the children? I tend to be on top of buying their clothes and remembering school dates (e.g. if a fancy dress item needs to be ordered online), while my husband takes on more of the activities with the children (e.g. takes them swimming, to football, etc.).

I'm not sure what support you imagine all the rest of us have. Just get on with your life.

I get it OP

We are in a similar situation. When my husband got promoted and his pay rise was as much as my (admittedly only part time) salary we realised it made sense for me to not return to work after maternity with my second.

Now I'm in a situation where returning would only add stress to our family. Add this to the fact that we moved and bought house to be close to his work and I do get a bit miffed sometimes. But he does understand and fair play is good and does things with the kids so I can't complain that much. It's just really how I'd hoped things would be. OK so no money problems as he earns well but money isn't everything.

I wouldn't assume it would be any different if you were the higher earner, somehow the lion share of household/ children organisation does seem to fall on the mum!

If he earns well, why don't you invest in some childcare to enable you to work as much / little as you wish?

So work more then 🤷‍♀️

Most women stay in the marriage and raise the children if the husband is ok and not abusive. And if you divorce, you take half of it. What is wrong with being home?

Get an after school child minder, so 🤷‍♀️

If I was to progress career wise I would need to be prepared to work very long hours. Not necessarily all of the time but some
of the time, leave late and get in early. And that just isn’t doable with a husband away and little children. That’s OK - but it is limiting and right not my problem is that I can’t work full time due to wraparound but also I can’t leave a job I don’t like!

so we have been through this but even if there were any (there aren’t) they work until what, 6? And open at 730 maybe?

If you're both career driven you didn't have to have children.

So - why couldn’t I work full time; because wraparound care doesn’t cover it. It only starts at 8 and finishes at 415. So that means getting to work for half eight and finishing at 4. And that just isn’t compatible with a demanding career.

You are honestly being ridiculous. How do you think the vast majority of us manage with two full time jobs. Give your head a wobble and hire an after school childminder.