AIBU husband upsetting me 5 months pregnant

[hellogoodbye91]

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 4, no children (just yet!)

We have had a couple of losses the last 3 years but finally conceived our much-wanted rainbow baby in September and I’m now 20 weeks pregnant.

He has always been a good husband. However, recently he seems to resent absolutely everything I do.

Today’s example: As it’s currently snowing/icy (has been for last 3 days) and I work from home. I’ve been staying in right now, because I’m scared of driving on the ungritted roads, or slipping on pavements full of black ice.

As I’ve had losses before, I’m quite anxious and have had additional mental health support for this pregnancy.

We usually buy our groceries separate as DH doesn’t like to eat meals together (he doesn’t eat carbs) and so today, as he was already going to get his grocery shop and our household bits, I asked him if he could get me 10 items from the shop for me to eat while he was there, as I had ran out of food.

He reluctantly said yes, but made it clear I needed to “pay him back straight away“ so that he’s “not out of pocket”. I agreed and said I always do!

His argument is that I should have just gotten a grocery delivery in and that he “didn’t necessarily need his stuff straight away” so it was putting him out to go. But personally, even if he wasn’t going straight away, I think it’s the least a husband can do is to pick some bits up for his pregnant wife while he goes to get stuff for himself. Don’t know if I’m alone there.

Anyway, flash forward to him coming back from the shops and I run to the door to open it for him in case he’s struggling with bags. Straight away he berates me and says I’m no help anyway and that he’s had to traipse around finding “obscure” items for me (it was items like bread, ham, pasta and a few frozen bits).

He then, quite literally, throws the receipt down in front of me and says the least I can do is sort that out and pay him now.

Bearing in mind, while he was out I did the dishes, dried the dishes and put the clothes washing away, but I got berated because I “don’t do anything.” He told me he did a spring clean of the cupboards earlier on “for me” and that I should have been doing that myself - he says he has to do everything for me and that he has run around all night after work doing stuff for me (the cupboards - which I never asked him to do - and the shop).

I work myself in the day, Monday-Friday, 9-5, and last weekend spent my time spring cleaning multiple rooms myself. However, he says “I don’t do anything”.

I started to get really upset at this point and asked him why he was seeking out an argument with his pregnant wife. He will never just let something drop once he’s in a mood and he doesn’t let me being pregnant stop him - he’ll have at me regardless.

AIBU to be really angry and upset here. I am so disappointed. I honestly feel as though he just resents me existing right now.

Gosh mines the same. I don’t want to spend 2 hours looking at 3 types of Parmesan 😭. I just leave him to it, it’s so mind numbing.

just give him a list of the things you want added and leave him to it. That can become his chore from now on as baby is coming and it will save you a bit of time anyway.

I'm not defending him; I'm furious at him! But I'm correcting people who have got the wrong end of the stick about him having "always" been like this, or how our finances work, because it means I can (hopefully) get actual advice rather than stuff that doesn't make sense for me as it's not accurate or relevant. As it happens, I think I'm going to tune this thread out and get some advice from people who actually KNOW him, me and our situation as, as well-meaning as some comments are (some not so!), I do think it's hard for me to get my actual situation across so that I can get some decent advice. And I'll be speaking to him tonight about him getting some anxiety support/an assessment when it comes to his obsession over "fairness" (ie tit for tat!!).

@beAsensible1 😂 Yes, definitely!!

Most couples don’t go grocery shopping together

Exactly, I don't think anyone is mystified that you don't actually traipse round the supermarket together - I don't understand couples who do tbh. Apart from anything else it's a waste of time when you're both working and busy, unless you really enjoy it.

What's odd is each buying your own separate things and him being resentful and arsey when asked to get some of "your" things. Even if him eating more meat means his food costs more, he could just pay more into the joint account to reflect that. In most couples and families one person goes off to do the shopping with a list of items for the whole household, or just does that online.

It's the idea of your partner (your pregnant wife no less) asking you to pick stuff up for her and being awkward about it and talking about "paying you back" - that's just crazy, you've been together 10 years, you're married! And if it's like that now, it's going to be thousand times worse when it's nappies and baby food and breast pads and lansinoh, and a buggy, and 5 new packs of muslins because you keep losing them, and that he's nitpicking and haggling over when you're hormonal and exhausted and can barely keep your eyes open.

Literally that is what she did and he kicked off big time about how he was out of pocket and what a hassle it was to go to the shop and to go to different shelves.

Few people go shopping WITH their partners all the time. However he thinks it’s too much to ask for him to pick up what the OP wants even though she is heavily pregnant and it’s icy outside. He’s doing his own shop but having to go to the bread aisle is just too much to ask it seems.

I'm correcting people who have got the wrong end of the stick about him having "always" been like this, or how our finances work

But your finances work like that because he's like this. Or are you the same OP? If you were with a different man who wasn't like this, would you be like most other people and share food costs etc? Has this "as long as you pay me back straight away" "of course I always do!" set up come from you, or from him?

The keeping things totally separate approach arguably doesn't work once people are a married couple, but definitely won't work once there is a child involved.

Of course you’re not being unreasonable. The way he has spoken to you is really bloody rude. But what he’s said is a far bigger concern than the way he has said it. This isn’t a marriage. It’s a house share with sex. I think you’re going to struggle with these arrangements once your child is born.

Some men are like that when the attention comes of them and goes onto the baby they start playing up. He should be centre of ops world not the baby. She's posted that they both wanted a baby so why doesn't he want to feed his pregnant wife? Some men are like children.

My partner asked me once why are old people's homes filled with women. I have the answer men don't know how to look after themselves. They are mothered too much to the point where they are useless and die from malnutrition and starvation.

You’d be better off going alone on this one!

Lovely, in the nicest possible way, you are deluding yourself. He’s shown you EXACTLY who he is, and you typed it in your own words in your first post. Some men will wait until you are vulnerable (eg when you are pregnant) to reveal their true colours. He’s quite literally just shown you his. You’ve said yourself he’s been unpleasant with you since you were 14 weeks pregnant, which is ironically when most pregnant women start to show. That was when the reality probably struck him and he’s been unpleasant to you since. Do you think this is going to get better when the baby is here and none of the focus is on him?

He is the type of man whose life will not change at all, and he will resent you for being off with the baby. He’s also the sort of man who will start moaning you haven’t made the bed properly, or cleared up a few dishes from the sink, or emptied the bin, because you’ve been “at home all day not working”. And then he’ll send you an itemised bill for anything he’s had to pay for, for his own child, because you are higher earner (he will also be resentful of this) and it’s “only fair” you “contribute equally”.

Please bin him. Meanness is the ugliest trait imaginable in a person.

The actual advice is that his behaviour towards you is inexcusable. By this I mean the angry sniping comments and saying you don’t help and do nothing. I don’t give a shit about the joint account, the separate meals, none of that. But the way he spoke to you was wrong on every level.

You have clearly noticed things before that made you think he was ND and suggested an assessment. So it’s not entirely out of the blue although the extreme unkindness might be.

But you need to tell him that this was the last time he ever spoke to your like that. He clearly has massive issues (which may or may not be neurodivergence but it doesn’t matter). If he behaves that way when you have a child, he will damage that child. If he gives even the slightest shit about you, he will immediately take steps to get help for this, through therapy or other means. As in he does it today, not at some unspecified time in the future. You need to tell him he’s crossed a major line these past few weeks.

He sounds like an utter dick. I take it you’ll be the one paying for anything your baby needs once he/she is born. He honesty sounds awful.

Jesus Christ, this is not a marriage. Separate food shopping? That’s flat mates, not a married couple. I get having different foods. My husband is allergic to dairy so we have different milks, cheeses, etc. But we don’t shop separately. It all gets bought together in one shopping trip. No separate bank accounts here. I have visions of your fridge having your name on things. I haven’t seen that since student halls of residence days. Which one of you is going to be the one to buy food and clothes for the child? Who buys toilet paper? Do you “owe” each other for toilet paper after taking a dump? Do you each have your own bottle of washing up liquid? Your own laundry soap? It’s ridiculous to live like this when married.

I have never seen a thread on here where they have separate finances and both are 100% happy all the time. Just think - this whole situation would never even have happened if you lived like normal married people. I cannot imagine bickering with my husband over who owes who for bread and ham.

You need to get real life support because it's not about you or him anymore it's about your baby. Today people are more vigilant when it comes to children and whether they are getting the right support from their parents. There will be some raised eyebrows when you tell them what you have posted on here. They will think he is not supporting you. Please don't worry about what they will think it's about you and your baby and you need support.

He's absolutely disgusting. How can he treat someone carrying his child like this. He will be awful postpartum - please go and stay with your mum instead of him.

He is so similar to how my ex treated me during my pregnancy and he ended up leaving me at 8m when I told him he'd upset me. Blamed it all on me. Is still acting the victim now two years on. Please tell your midwife this has happened - I'd urge to leave him but I know it will feel
Impossible now.

Please read 'it's not you' by dr ramani and also 'why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft

I have experienced recurrent late stage pregnancy loss. I understand your anxiety greatly OP.

My experience has been that it made my husband want to care for me more than ever, anything he could do to minimise my stress, make me comfortable or at ease. This behaviour ain’t it and explaining it away as being anxious about the pregnancy is also nonsense.

Now should be precisely the time where he is doing more, carrying more of the household responsibilities because surely he recognises the enormous responsibility you feel you have. He should want to protect, not berate you.

I do think it's hard for me to get my actual situation across so that I can get some decent advice.

This is exactly the kind of thing I've heard women who've slid slowly and gently into abusive/ controlling relationships say when others point out that the way they're living isn't normal or acceptable.

You've had plenty of words and time to get your actual situation across and the more you describe the way you're living, the more women are assuring you that this isn't a good set-up to bring a baby into, and that your DH's behaviour isn't acceptable.

So now you're going to go and find people whose advice and opinions you approve of, in order to avoid having to deal with the fact that buying separate food, dividing everything 50:50 etc are all red flags indicating a controlling relationship.

It's okay. Keep in touch on MN, particularly when the baby is born. There are loads of women here who started out where you are now, and when you're ready to listen they'll provide the advice you need, not the advice you'd prefer. Good luck with your pregnancy.

The financial set up is weird, possibly abusive and not conducive to family life.

But OP has repeatedly said that her DH behaviour and general attitude since being pregnant is concerning her

However she has repeatedly ignored posts telling her that abuse starts or is ramped up during pregnancy and to seek support from her midwife or women's aid.

Tinkering about with finances will not solve this. He may be traumatised by past loss or autistic or depressed but it's most likely in the absence of any diagnosis that he's just abusive. Pregnancy and abuse is common, not so much autism and pregnancy.

The problem isn't that you have an inability to communicate your situation.

@hellogoodbye91 I’m actually reassured by your most recent update as you can let people in real life know how he can be. I’m glad you’re not socially isolated and the fact that you have said many a time you are furious is good because you have not normalised this behaviour.

I’m glad you have spoken to your husband about this behaviour and he has apologised. I would ask your mental health support if you still have it whether there is any support that could be offered to you both as a couple. If you don’t still have it I would implore him to see his GP, explain that he is finding it difficult to come to terms with changes given you are pregnant and he is expressing anger and frustration at you as a result. Also agree with PP who stated to discuss this with your midwife. This is not to get him in trouble, but to share information and put plans in place (if needed) to ensure that you and your unborn child are kept safe. If there is one thing you do after reading this thread I think that’s the most important.

His behaviour has been abhorrent, you both recognise this, he has apologised and it sounds like you both want to move forward. I think this is appropriate as long as you get support professional as well as from those loved ones around you that you will need to lean on as a village when you have a child. I agree with other PPs comments - having a young child is hard bloody work so if he’s struggling now and that is how he expresses his distress then unless that is addressed ASAP you and your child could be in real trouble.

Agree with other comments re finances - however you’ve already said you plan to get cards for joint account. I also can’t understand why he couldn’t transfer it himself if that’s what you both usually do and if he literally had the receipt in his hand why he felt it was your job to work out how much he owed there and then. Joint cards would mean that this was never an issue again but it sounds like the shopping is just one way his frustration is being expressed - he’s clearly been off for at least the last 6 weeks Al y your own admission and that needs to be addressed.

congratulations on your pregnancy and please seek help from midwife. I know the messages on here can be overwhelming and not necessarily what you wanted to here - I’m happy for you to PM me at anytime if you need x 🌺

This is bonkers.

Honestly he sounds like a misery.

Being married is a partnership. It's a team.

It's crazy for him to have that attitude about basic groceries.

Fair play to @hellogoodbye91 for coming back to the thread so many times.

I was one of the people horrified by the way the situation was initially described, but, once you read through all the additional information and explanations (particularly on p5, but since then too), the situation is quite different from what she described in the opening post.
Still odd to many of us, but not nearly so much as it first appeared.

I'm glad you have been able to talk to each other and that he has opened up to you about his worries and stress too.

I wish you well with the rest of your pregnancy, and your time together as new parents.

He will get worse. He’s already conformed to an abuser’s stereotype by starting his campaign of abuse once his partner becomes pregnant, and therefore vulnerable.