AIBU husband upsetting me 5 months pregnant

[hellogoodbye91]

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 4, no children (just yet!)

We have had a couple of losses the last 3 years but finally conceived our much-wanted rainbow baby in September and I’m now 20 weeks pregnant.

He has always been a good husband. However, recently he seems to resent absolutely everything I do.

Today’s example: As it’s currently snowing/icy (has been for last 3 days) and I work from home. I’ve been staying in right now, because I’m scared of driving on the ungritted roads, or slipping on pavements full of black ice.

As I’ve had losses before, I’m quite anxious and have had additional mental health support for this pregnancy.

We usually buy our groceries separate as DH doesn’t like to eat meals together (he doesn’t eat carbs) and so today, as he was already going to get his grocery shop and our household bits, I asked him if he could get me 10 items from the shop for me to eat while he was there, as I had ran out of food.

He reluctantly said yes, but made it clear I needed to “pay him back straight away“ so that he’s “not out of pocket”. I agreed and said I always do!

His argument is that I should have just gotten a grocery delivery in and that he “didn’t necessarily need his stuff straight away” so it was putting him out to go. But personally, even if he wasn’t going straight away, I think it’s the least a husband can do is to pick some bits up for his pregnant wife while he goes to get stuff for himself. Don’t know if I’m alone there.

Anyway, flash forward to him coming back from the shops and I run to the door to open it for him in case he’s struggling with bags. Straight away he berates me and says I’m no help anyway and that he’s had to traipse around finding “obscure” items for me (it was items like bread, ham, pasta and a few frozen bits).

He then, quite literally, throws the receipt down in front of me and says the least I can do is sort that out and pay him now.

Bearing in mind, while he was out I did the dishes, dried the dishes and put the clothes washing away, but I got berated because I “don’t do anything.” He told me he did a spring clean of the cupboards earlier on “for me” and that I should have been doing that myself - he says he has to do everything for me and that he has run around all night after work doing stuff for me (the cupboards - which I never asked him to do - and the shop).

I work myself in the day, Monday-Friday, 9-5, and last weekend spent my time spring cleaning multiple rooms myself. However, he says “I don’t do anything”.

I started to get really upset at this point and asked him why he was seeking out an argument with his pregnant wife. He will never just let something drop once he’s in a mood and he doesn’t let me being pregnant stop him - he’ll have at me regardless.

AIBU to be really angry and upset here. I am so disappointed. I honestly feel as though he just resents me existing right now.

Hopefully this post will encourage people to to stop writing abusive things about OP's husband. It does make pretty awful reading.

OP has made it clear that people are not understanding her situation and that the advice is not relevant.

Worst of all are the posts from people telling her she is blind to the truth of her situation ie can't think for herself.

It's evidence that the LTB brigade are pursuing an agenda rather than interested in giving useful advice.

You've had quite a hard time here, OP, and I hope you're OK.

I would spend some time this weekend, making a spreadsheet of all the household chores. And then sit down together going through them, and point out the ones that are physically harder for you and that are going to be tough with a newborn in tow. And start booking an online food shop! I haven't been in a supermarket for 15 years by choice. Life's too short.

The tit for tat is the issue. Look relationships arent fair.asking you to pay back the groceries is a red flag. I think your both needing to wirk out what you want when baby is here fairness will go out the window.

It's evidence that the LTB brigade are pursuing an agenda rather than interested in giving useful advice.

Explain to me exactly what gratification/benefiit/advantage etc. someone posting anonymously on here would get out of thinking a random woman she doesn't know and will never know, might leave her partner (though she'll never know if that happened for certain).
That makes very little sense indeed.

I have seen very very few people on here advise an op that they might be better to leave a relationship (or be in a position to leave) for no good reason.

This is usually based on their own experience or their female relatives or friends or acquaintances' experience. It's actually very disrespectful to suggest they are a "ltb brigade" and that they have some (utterly ridiculous and non credible "agenda"). They are generally trying to protect the op and any children.

I've given my perspective based on his behaviour, and on one of my sister's experiences in a 50-50 to the last penny relationship (though it's not 50-50 when it suits him, like the extra op pays because she earns a bit more)...... I don't have an agenda, other than to save the op abuse, stress, unhappiness etc and wasting her time. I also feel concern about the child growing up around behaviour like this.
I feel there is significant dysfunction in this relationship; that is not beneficial to the op or her child (when they arrive).

(In fact it's not beneficial to them in utero to have a mother who is essentially verbally abused and caused stress and put on the defensive re. asking her child's father pick up some groceries for her and when she will pay him.for them).

There is no "agenda" because we feel inexplicable satisfaction that some random couple we don't know might break up.

There is concern for women and children. There is wanting to protect women and children.
You remind me of people who, when a woman is being abused in a relationship or the man is cheating ...if you try to alert the woman or try to encourage her to leave ...will accuse anyone of doing that of being "jealous".

Internalised misogyny 101.

stop writing abusive things about OP's husband

I haven't seen any abusive things written about op's husband.

The only abuse I see in this thread is from op's husband towards her.

And start booking an online food shop!

Yes, let's avoid/skirt/work around the real issue.

That this man resents and gets angry about doing the most basic, low effort, reasonable things for his pregnant wife. And expects instant payment for food he buys on her behalf.

And that the op has encountered issues with his personality and behaviour before now, suspects neurodivergance ...but when she's broached investigation/assessment ..has been robustly (understatement).rejected and dismissed by him.

But, by all means, keep going for the workarounds; we wouldn't want to tackle the real issues.

You do realise that, in the near future, in the shit show that is post birth and the baby, toddler etc years (years that almost end many relationships with no such problems) ... A workaround will, at some point, not be possible. Avoiding the issue (him) will not be possible.

But equally importantly; why should he be worked around? Why should he not be expected to do reasonable things?

Brilliantly written post. And it’s this exactly. I m in my late 40s. I ve seen these relationships. I ve seen the women trying to over compensate. The “he’s actually wonderful, when he’s not being abusive”. It’s heart breaking. And I ve seen the consequences. Broken, exhausted women. Tired from the strain of making things appear ok. Dealing with the cognitive dissonance involved in “but he loves me/us” and he makes us all thoroughly miserable.

Of course I might be wrong. OPs husband may not be like this at all. But when you hit your 40s, I think you ve seen the patterns of behaviour and blinkers just fall from your eyes.

He is disgusting. I would seriously dump him and be a single parent.

As I understand it, OP has said that posters are misunderstanding. The 'tit for tat' is an automatic system they've agreed on, which usually works well. The problem is the change in her husband's attitude during her pregnancy, not their system
Perhaps I've misunderstood!.

'Explain to me exactly'...
Posters get the satisfaction of venting their feelings, which, I agree, make little rational sense in the context of this post. That is exactly the problem and explains why OP says people are misunderstanding and giving irrelevant advice.

Some posters may think they are giving sound advice in telling OP that her marriage is doomed and she should leave her situation. However, OP would be very badly advised indeed if she followed a bunch of strangers' advice and bust up her support system ie husband, following strangers' judgements in response to a few sentences posted online.

Agreed , her husband is behaving very badly, as OP states. The truth is that all humans, men, women and children do behave badly from time to time. I have experienced complete strangers , both men and women, approaching me in the street in a bizarre way when I was heavily pregnant. I do feel visible pregnancy brings out strange reactions in people and this is quite likely what's going on with OP's husband. He's in an unfamiliar place and doesn't have the skills to cope.

I know how widespread domestic violence and abuse is in the community, but it's still a mistake IMO to react so strongly verbally and content-wise to posts about OP's situation and project a societal problem onto an individual poster. Her views ie that he's acting out of character should be respected. Her DH should also be respected. If someone is entitled to insult him, it's OP, not 'internet randoms'.

Similarly, no idea what the 'jealousy' suggestion is about, or 'internalised misogyny'. I respect women enough to think they're entitled to support to help them cope in a challenging situation, rather than encouragement to run away.

Her DH should also be respected

He's not behaving in a way that entitles him to any respect.

Quite the opposite.

help them cope in a challenging situation, rather than encouragement to run away.

Let me rephrase the above;

"cope in a challenging situation"

Tolerate abuse.

"run away"

Leave an abuser.

It's comical that you accuse the imaginary "LTB brigade" of having an agenda, given your posts. You clearly have quite the agenda yourself.

I have experienced complete strangers , both men and women, approaching me in the street in a bizarre way when I was heavily pregnant. I do feel visible pregnancy brings out strange reactions in people and this is quite likely what's going on with OP's husband. He's in an unfamiliar place and doesn't have the skills to cope.

What absolutely bizarre comments.

A. The reaction of strangers to a stranger"s pregnancy are not in the same universe as that of the father of the unborn child.

B. What reactions?!
Intolerance, resentment, anger, disrespect, feeling owed????

Which strangers showed you those reactions to your pregnancy, and how did they do that??

And even if they did (they didn't) the would still be complete strangers, not your life partner and not the father of the union child.

SMH.

What a load of ......

For the last time: my DH doesn't make ME as an individual pay him back - he wanted me to do the ""chore"" of sending him the amount from our joint account (minus his bits that he gets for himself). We don't have cards for that account- based on helpful advice here, we're getting some. The issue was he was shirty and rude about it, and that's what upset and annoyed me. How we organise our finances was agreed by BOTH of us, every step of the way, 10 years ago, and has always worked. My gripe has been his attitude recently, as though he resents me being able to do less. Is it a concern? Yes. Am I angry? Absolutely. Have I spoken to him about it? YES. Is he receptive to me? Yes. Is my husband an "abuser"? NO. At least not right now... I'm not immune to the fact people can change over time and I'm a smart woman. I'm not this unaware, naive little flower people are suggesting I am and I find that quite offensive. I know abuse. I have been there - both with my biological father when younger and with an ex when I was young. I know abusers' tricks of the trade and I DO NOT suffer fools from anyone, never mind my husband. Does he need to book his ideas up? 1000% and he's admitted that. I'll be making sure he does. Having grown up in my very early years around abuse, I would never EVER inflict that on our much-wanted baby, and both of us work together as a team to ensure that would never be the case. If he overstepped, I'd be gone. Trust me. Equally, I'm not going to leave my DH without speaking to him or working through stuff first, especially when I know things have been tough on him too over the years! And there hasn't been any support for him like there has for me. I feel for the men in that regard. People commenting "how could you bring a baby into this?" are not understanding that we have never had this issue and I struggle with the implication that my baby shouldn't be coming into this world with us as parents when we already live and treasure our little wriggly rainbow baby so so much. Anyway, thank you to the people who have given helpful advice RE cards and ways to chat about it - we've taken your advice and it's really helped us. Don't forget, as a pregnant women, by emotions and reactions are heightened too. Anyway, I hope that clears stuff up. 😂

He's in an unfamiliar place and doesn't have the skills to cope.

Pregnancy with a first child is an unknown place for both prospective parents.

It is not an excuse for abuse..

One person has been acting unreasonably and abusively, the other is not.

If you "don't have the skills to cope" and your lack of "skills" is causing you to abuse your pregnant partner; you should seek urgent counselling and perhaps leave the home and put into place other support arrangements for your pregnant partner.

If his behaviour was reported to a midwife or health professional, you know what would happen (?)

Stop minimising and making excuses for it.

if you stay, I hope you’re prepared to give up 50% of your assets including your pension as your marriage is not going to survive.

he resents me being able to do less

That is abusive.

I'm a smart woman. I'm not this unaware, naive little flower people are suggesting I am and I find that quite offensive.

No-one needs to be a naive little flower to be abused.

Your financial arrangements, while a bit unusual, have worked fine for you for the last 10 years, but they need an overhaul with a baby arriving and changes to working hours.
How many women have we seen on here saying they buy all the dc's clothes, or take them out on their own money, or fund their mat leave through their own savings?
With a new baby your mind will naturally be focused on that; so this is a good chance to sort out some changes before the LO arrives.

You sound scary OP, I think you'll be ok. x

I know abuse. I have been there - both with my biological father when younger and with an ex when I was young

There isn't one type.

Perhaps your upbringing is one of the reasons that explains your reactions to his behaviour around the groceries (and his previous rejection of any assessments for the behaviours that made you suspect he's ND).

How many women have we seen on here saying they buy all the dc's clothes, or take them out on their own money, or fund their mat leave through their own savings?

Those women are being financially abused.

It's not a bench mark, it's a warning

My housemate treats me better than your husband treats you, I just can't get over how people treat those they supposedly love.

If someone is entitled to insult him, it's OP, not 'internet randoms'.

"Internet randoms" are free to give their opinions on the behaviour and character of anyone they choose.

That's what happens when you post asking for perspectives and advice.

You appear to have trouble grasping the very basic ins and outs of a public forum.

And I, for one, haven't seen any "insults" that seemed disproportionate.

You're his WIFE, not his roommate! Insisting you pay for groceries straight away, begrudgingly buying you food and moaning at you all the time because he feels he's doing more than you!!! Jesus!! 🤷 He shouldn't want you going out in the ice/snow to buy groceries, he should be doing a little more as being pregnant is exhausting! You are carrying HIS child, the baby isn't just yours. If he's like this now over money and time, what's he going to be like once the baby is here?!! It will become worse. You need a very serious conversation with him, around your expectations and his once the baby is born. What if you need a C-section and can't do some things for yourself for a time?! Is he going to get in a man-child strop because he might have to change nappies and make you a meal?! Your husband sounds awful, and he should be ashamed of himself for his attitude.