AIBU husband upsetting me 5 months pregnant

[hellogoodbye91]

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 4, no children (just yet!)

We have had a couple of losses the last 3 years but finally conceived our much-wanted rainbow baby in September and I’m now 20 weeks pregnant.

He has always been a good husband. However, recently he seems to resent absolutely everything I do.

Today’s example: As it’s currently snowing/icy (has been for last 3 days) and I work from home. I’ve been staying in right now, because I’m scared of driving on the ungritted roads, or slipping on pavements full of black ice.

As I’ve had losses before, I’m quite anxious and have had additional mental health support for this pregnancy.

We usually buy our groceries separate as DH doesn’t like to eat meals together (he doesn’t eat carbs) and so today, as he was already going to get his grocery shop and our household bits, I asked him if he could get me 10 items from the shop for me to eat while he was there, as I had ran out of food.

He reluctantly said yes, but made it clear I needed to “pay him back straight away“ so that he’s “not out of pocket”. I agreed and said I always do!

His argument is that I should have just gotten a grocery delivery in and that he “didn’t necessarily need his stuff straight away” so it was putting him out to go. But personally, even if he wasn’t going straight away, I think it’s the least a husband can do is to pick some bits up for his pregnant wife while he goes to get stuff for himself. Don’t know if I’m alone there.

Anyway, flash forward to him coming back from the shops and I run to the door to open it for him in case he’s struggling with bags. Straight away he berates me and says I’m no help anyway and that he’s had to traipse around finding “obscure” items for me (it was items like bread, ham, pasta and a few frozen bits).

He then, quite literally, throws the receipt down in front of me and says the least I can do is sort that out and pay him now.

Bearing in mind, while he was out I did the dishes, dried the dishes and put the clothes washing away, but I got berated because I “don’t do anything.” He told me he did a spring clean of the cupboards earlier on “for me” and that I should have been doing that myself - he says he has to do everything for me and that he has run around all night after work doing stuff for me (the cupboards - which I never asked him to do - and the shop).

I work myself in the day, Monday-Friday, 9-5, and last weekend spent my time spring cleaning multiple rooms myself. However, he says “I don’t do anything”.

I started to get really upset at this point and asked him why he was seeking out an argument with his pregnant wife. He will never just let something drop once he’s in a mood and he doesn’t let me being pregnant stop him - he’ll have at me regardless.

AIBU to be really angry and upset here. I am so disappointed. I honestly feel as though he just resents me existing right now.

You say that his childhood was one where his mother did everything in the house and childcare. Was she also the breadwinner?

Very good point. You’re earning more and fairs fair, you should be doing less.

He reluctantly said yes, but made it clear I needed to “pay him back straight away“ so that he’s “not out of pocket”. I agreed and said I always do!

I stopped reading after this!

The sperm donor doesn't want to pay to feed his unborn child? He's a catch I wonder if he will feed his child when they are born. He's already abusing you and your baby before they are born. It's up to you if you want to keep him I can't see women lining up for him if he's dead beat.

What on earth is a 'rainbow baby ' ?

Was you and your husband lonely children growing up did no one teach you how to share. Many couples share and budget their money together. It was only me and my brother growing up so I do get the selfish all is mine head space. My partner grew up with 2 brothers and 2 sisters they learned how to share he instilled it into me. Whatever is mine is mine and whatever is his is mine only joking we share everything and wouldn't have it any other way.

It’s a very very common term used for a baby who arrives after a previous unsuccessful pregnancy.

Totally agree with this. Every single thread on MM where someone has been a dickhead is accompanied by a band of people commenting “is he neurodivergent?” “Are they autistic”

Not only is this deeply offensive to neurodivergent and autistic people who are some of the kindest people I know. It’s also completely dismissive of the fact that some people are just arseholes.

This relationship sounds horrible, sorry OP. Your food is food for the baby, both your baby. How can he resent buying you food. I work from home and my husband jokes about me sitting in the warm watching tv (which I don't) but it really is a jokey thing and I joke back saying hes just spinning on his office chair at hisbdeskm we share food shopping, we never count who has spent what, we eat whatever food is in the cupboards regardless who bought it and then one of us will replace it. If one of us needs something from the shop one of us goes and buys it and never asks for the money back. We cook for eacb other even when the other one is not hungry. I earn more so I pay more of the bills but I don't count every penny, he pays some stuff I pay some stuff. All the bills are paid by one of us and if one of us is short one month we will ask the other for some money if they have it. We have separate bank accounts too and just kind of share what we have with each other. I am not sure what you will do about this but once the baby is here you can't live so separately as kids are expensive, clothes, shoes, childcare, school trips, books, toys, clubs, days out and a whole ton of food for an extra person. How are you going to manage this together? Just to add me and DH are both neurodivergent so this has nothing to do with being a dick.

Not a healthy environment to bring a child into

This sounds like a bizarre marriage where you're paying for your own food, not eating meals together etc. I eat low carb and the rest of my family does not. I cook and pick out the things of the meal I can eat and dish everyone else up as normal. It's sounds like your foundations are more room mate like vs married couple. This needs changing as it will create room mate like behaviour and arguments, especially when a baby is in the mix it will be a big adjustment so better to start now. Secondly, don't let people treat you like this, if my husband behaved like that when I was pregnant I would sling him out for a few days, see how he likes that.

But you're not a partnership

A baby born after a loss

Forgetting who pays for what, why don't you eat together? Why don't you shop together? Surely if the groceries are paid for out of the joint account you can still shop together/do a joint online shop and he just throws in a bit extra for his meat if that's the road you really want to go down (which I think is utterly ridiculous, I'm coeliac so some of my food costs a lot more than the food DH eats, it still all comes out of the family pot as, you know, we are a family) and even if he doesn't eat the same things as you surely you can still eat meals together?

Your setup sounds utterly bonkers, why didn't he just pay himself back? Why does he think cleaning out a cupboard benefits you?

I could not live in a relationship like this, never mind bring a child into one.

Please remember (even if you don't think it is happening to you now) that domestic abuse (which takes many forms and includes emotional and psychological abuse) often starts or escalates during pregnancy.

Thank you! I appreciate that. I've had to back off from this thread because although there were some really helpful pieces of advice from people who are being open-minded and not projecting personal experiences on to me, you have some people suggesting I will miscarry again, or that I shouldn't be having this child (who is very much wanted by both of us, do i don't even want to THINK about this), and I really think as a couple struggling with their mental health due to having lost babies before this is just so incredibly heartless for people to write and not something I want to be reading.

We shop separately because I don't like going with him. 😂 It might seem silly but he hangs about far too long in my opinion in aisles and gets very obsessed over exact items he likes and I find that very anxiety-inducing and feel like I'm in peoples' ways, so we go separately. He has been doing the big shops recently, while I'm pregnant, but we do usually share.

We eat together, but we just don't eat the same stuff. We don't shop together because I don't like shopping with him (faffs about). And in terms of our financial set up, he offered RE the meat, I said it was fine and I didn't care paying extra but he said it wasn't fair and he would pay for it. He gets very particular about his perception of "fairness" (both ways!), but I don't like operating like that (generally - I actually offered to put slight extra in for our mortgage because I earn more and it meant we could get a better house, so that was my choice), and I do think other posters are right in saying that he should probably seek support for this. I'll be talking to him about this later. I imagine he will go if I give him the ultimatum.

Really concerned by this poster’s latter attempts at minimising her husband’s abusive behaviours. 💔

The whole notion of fairness just doesn’t work well with parenting and maternity leave - how is it actually going to work with a baby if this is how it is with pregnancy

you both need to cut each other some slack. It

She absolutely does not need to cut him slack, quite the opposite.

Me too. The OP’s focus is entirely wrong here. It doesn’t matter about the food or the shopping together really. Although I still can’t fathom why he can’t transfer the money himself from the joint account and needs to throw the receipt at the OP for her to do it.

The real problem is his angry and unkind behaviour to his pregnant partner. Making her feel like a burden for doing a bit of shopping for her, complaining her had to get her basic food items from a shelf he wouldn’t normally go to, saying she does nothing, saying she is of no help. That’s disgusting behaviour and bullying and abusive. And I would bet any money he will say stuff like that once the baby arrives because then too he might need to do shopping for her (and various other tasks).

OP I bet you’d never treat him the way he treats you. Imagine if he was ill and you made him feel awful for picking up some bits for him from the shop.

I think you’ve misunderstood my question. Most couples don’t go grocery shopping together (it’s not really a two person activity), but the person that goes (or orders) does one household shop for everyone. I was asking why you two didn’t do that.

It’s interesting that, to you, your shopping is so separate that for it to happen at the same time would require you both be there.

When I was pregnant I eat food I was as big as Kim Kardashian I didn't play. Her husband wants to complain about his wife not going out buying snacks to feed herself and her unborn child is strange to me. She is feeding for two people now herself and her unborn child. I completely understand why she doesn't want to go out especially after the losses she has suffered and doesn't want another miscarriage.

Edit: I don't know what I wrote above but I have corrected it.

The real problem is his angry and unkind behaviour to his pregnant partner. Making her feel like a burden for doing a bit of shopping for her, complaining her had to get her basic food items from a shelf he wouldn’t normally go to, saying she does nothing, saying she is of no help. That’s disgusting behaviour and bullying and abusive. And I would bet any money he will say stuff like that once the baby arrives because then too he might need to do shopping for her (and various other tasks).

This x 100.

So many posters missing the point.

I'm just trying to imagine the op needing a Caesarean and what this guy would be like in the aftermath, given this behaviour to a pregnant partner. It's unbelievable; it's not in the realm of reasonable, not by a million miles.

And to date op has been contributing proportionally more to certain household expenses because she earns more. Yet he's still throwing receipts at her and demanding immediate payment. What's he going to be like when she's on maternity - or if she goes part-time fof a while?

But it's the anger and resentment - about a basic task to feed his partner and unborn baby (that his partner is apprehensive about doing because of the danger of slipping etc.) - that is most striking.

I’ve skipped through this thread but I’m really sad to see the OP is defending her husband. Sweetheart, honestly, the wool has been pulled over your eyes. This man is abusive and doesn’t care about you or his unborn child. When someone shows you who they really are, you need to listen. His behaviour will worsen when the baby is here. And of course, he’ll feel bad about it and apologise because that’s what abusers do. You and your child are worth so much more and as a reasonable earner, you’ll be fine without him. Leave.