AIBU husband upsetting me 5 months pregnant

[hellogoodbye91]

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 4, no children (just yet!)

We have had a couple of losses the last 3 years but finally conceived our much-wanted rainbow baby in September and I’m now 20 weeks pregnant.

He has always been a good husband. However, recently he seems to resent absolutely everything I do.

Today’s example: As it’s currently snowing/icy (has been for last 3 days) and I work from home. I’ve been staying in right now, because I’m scared of driving on the ungritted roads, or slipping on pavements full of black ice.

As I’ve had losses before, I’m quite anxious and have had additional mental health support for this pregnancy.

We usually buy our groceries separate as DH doesn’t like to eat meals together (he doesn’t eat carbs) and so today, as he was already going to get his grocery shop and our household bits, I asked him if he could get me 10 items from the shop for me to eat while he was there, as I had ran out of food.

He reluctantly said yes, but made it clear I needed to “pay him back straight away“ so that he’s “not out of pocket”. I agreed and said I always do!

His argument is that I should have just gotten a grocery delivery in and that he “didn’t necessarily need his stuff straight away” so it was putting him out to go. But personally, even if he wasn’t going straight away, I think it’s the least a husband can do is to pick some bits up for his pregnant wife while he goes to get stuff for himself. Don’t know if I’m alone there.

Anyway, flash forward to him coming back from the shops and I run to the door to open it for him in case he’s struggling with bags. Straight away he berates me and says I’m no help anyway and that he’s had to traipse around finding “obscure” items for me (it was items like bread, ham, pasta and a few frozen bits).

He then, quite literally, throws the receipt down in front of me and says the least I can do is sort that out and pay him now.

Bearing in mind, while he was out I did the dishes, dried the dishes and put the clothes washing away, but I got berated because I “don’t do anything.” He told me he did a spring clean of the cupboards earlier on “for me” and that I should have been doing that myself - he says he has to do everything for me and that he has run around all night after work doing stuff for me (the cupboards - which I never asked him to do - and the shop).

I work myself in the day, Monday-Friday, 9-5, and last weekend spent my time spring cleaning multiple rooms myself. However, he says “I don’t do anything”.

I started to get really upset at this point and asked him why he was seeking out an argument with his pregnant wife. He will never just let something drop once he’s in a mood and he doesn’t let me being pregnant stop him - he’ll have at me regardless.

AIBU to be really angry and upset here. I am so disappointed. I honestly feel as though he just resents me existing right now.

Why didn't he just transfer himself the money from the joint account? He needs to get used to the idea that if one person goes to the shop they should do the shopping for the family, there will frequently be situations where you may need something from the shop but will be pinned down by a sleeping or breastfeeding baby (if you're going to bf)

This reminds me my husband did a late night 40 mile round trip more than once when I was pregnant because I craved a certain snack... don't get me wrong, he can be a complete dick at times but he has a big heart and is the absolute minimum basic requirement we should be expecting.

I differ, a stressful partner on your first months giving giving your hormones a rollercoaster when you have a history of miscarriages is a bad thing.

He sounds stressed and anxious. He's taking it out on you which isn't okay. He needs to seek MH support via the GP to deal with his issues and work through his grief/ anxiety/ fear. Lots of areas allow you to self refer.

He needs to understand that things won't always be 50:50 when it comes to housework. As you get bigger you may be less able to do stuff. When the baby comes you might not be able to do anything. It depends on what labour you have and what type of baby you have.

Probably because he didn’t actually want it to be transferred from the joint account - he wanted OP to pay for it from her own money.

What's the difference (after tax) between your salaries? It doesn't sound like you go 50/50 on anything major if you're paying the mortgage, gas and electric. He should be going halves on those!

Is this the set up he has insisted or something you mutually agreed? Are you alright with it and don't feel the need to change?

You sound like flatmates who don't get on, not a married couple having a baby together.

@WhatterySquash excellent post.

The op says clearly he has always been a good husband. But what she describes is anything but.
And the carbs avoidance and separate money is clearly not new.
So what I suspect is a highly anxious and controlled man who is struggling with something and it's sent him off balance.
I would suggest he needs a chat with his gp and the op needs some family support whilst he sorts his head out or not. Because this is not something she should just be putting up with alone.

This is so bizarre. I didn’t even read past the first two paragraphs because I can’t get past the lines about you buying groceries separately and your DH expecting you to pay him back. You’re married.

I’m vegan and DH is a big meat eater so we often eat different meals. However we do one food shop and buy what both of us need. We eat at the same time.

We don’t track who has paid for what because if he bought it or I bought it it’s OUR money. That’s what being married is.

How are you going to manage paying for things for your child if everything has to be split exactly equally?

OP, one thing struck me from your messages, you say his behaviour started when you were 12 weeks pregnant. The end of the first trimester is usually when the risk of miscarriage is significantly lower and a pregnancy starts to get real. If he was really stressed about losses, he would have been behaving more stressed at the beginning of the pregnancy, then relaxing a bit more now. My guess is that now things are getting real, he realises he doesn't really want this baby with you. At the very least he acts as if he resents the extra work it creates. Sorry

This is not ok at all. Are you very isolated from people that you think this is normal?

Why are you married to this man?

Sounds like a really horrible relationship.

He reluctantly said yes, but made it clear I needed to “pay him back straight away“ so that he’s “not out of pocket”. I agreed and said I always do!

Doesn’t sound like a partnership to me.

OMG! OMG! Sorry, this is worse than him having an affair, gambling your savings away or well, I don't know.
He is a piece of shit - CAN'T YOU SEE?????????????????
This ain't no marriage - this is awful, sorry.

This was what I took from this too.

Bringing a child into this is the worst mistake either are making.

If he can't cope with buying pasta for his wife he shouldn't be a husband or a father.

Is he trying to create a hostile environment because he's having cold feet or something? Too late for that. My dad apparently told my mum he wasn't sure if he wanted a baby ... when she was 5 months pregnant. Everyone gets fears and worries and anxieties but taking it to his level is pig behaviour and I'm really worried for you how he'll be after you've given birth. You will need his input, I don't want to call it help because it's his baby too and needs to raise him/her.

This tit for tat attitude he has is absolutely mental, I cannot imagine my husband behaving like that. Don't get me wrong in the throes of newborn time when we were exhausted we might snip at the other and say you had x amount of time to do this and I haven't etc but that was rare and to us a low point in our otherwise great relationship. When the stress of a new baby comes along I worry what he'll do to up the ante.

I needed an emergency section and my husband did all the housework, cooking, 50% of nights with baby and just countless other things to lighten the load and look after me and our son. When pregnant he was also as attentive as ever, I feel so sad for you that you're husband is behaving like this due probably to his own selfish worries.

It's not "this issue" though, it's that literally everything you've said about him makes him sound like a bad partner at best and an actual psychopath at worst.

This is an excellent point.

I’ve read all your posts and can’t see if you’ve shared thoughts on this really, other than to explain your set up. Why can’t he contribute to your carbs (your dietary needs) and you contribute to his extra meat? Just share it all. Miniscule things like that contribute to a supportive family culture which is going to be so so important once your baby arrives. Is he really going to be paying you back 50% of a pack of rice cakes you grab for your shared child on the way home from soft play??

It all evens out (so paying each other back all the time is just pointless?) and even if it doesn’t, that’s kind of what a marriage is - sharing… I mean shit, DH contributes 95% of the household finances, and does about 40% of the chores and parenting. Thankfully he’s a normal reasonable person and understands that I contribute hugely in other ways - I can make a long list but for a few examples: growing and raising and positively influencing our offspring; being a pleasure for him to spend his life with; taking on 99% of the mental load. I really think this tit for tat culture in your household will be the kiss of death for your marriage.

I really hope his response to your talk is genuine and his stinky attitude is temporary!

Leave him. He is not a good partner. He will not be a good father. What an unpleasant man.

You've mentioned that his parents were very black-and-white and transactional about things ( 'I've done this, so you must do something of equal value' ) and you think that's where he's learned to be like this. It's ringing an alarm bell with me, because it sounds like a couple I used to know. I would now say he was clearly ASD: lots of rules around food, tidiness and right/wrong in his thinking which made him controlling. Often angry about perceived unfairness, particularly over money. I can remember going out to lunch with them and others years ago and him telling everyone down to the penny what to contribute when the bill came and then getting annoyed when I wanted to leave a larger tip out of my own pocket because I felt we'd had exceptional service and that 7.5% was stingy. What you say about your DH reminds me of him. He and his wife split up after a couple of years.

I'd be very concerned about bringing up a child well and comfortably in this environment. I think kids thrive best in a relaxed environment with united parents with strong boundaries but also loads of flexibility and goodwill.

I feel concern for you, OP. I'm wondering whether, like the wife I mentioned above, you've been a boiled frog all these years, gradually normalising what sounds like a controlling relationship. I can understand why you might have MH problems. I think you need to be bracing yourself for a very difficult time when the baby arrives and would urge you now to start planning an exit strategy to use when things go even further downhill.