Estranged son asking for large amount of money

[Friartruckster]

Wants the money for a deposit for a house.

States is entitled to money I have inherited, set aside for him.

Hasn’t spoken to me in 7 years. Will walk past me in the street and blank me.

States I am toxic and hence no contact.

I am posting because it’s such a dilemma. I desperately want to help him get on the property ladder, but being estranged has had a massive effect on me. It’s a huge amount of money to handover. The fact we are estranged means I have no close family now. Things like adapting to Christmas alone. Feel that money represents my security as I near retirement.

No she told her DD 4 years ago that she planned to give them both some money, and the DD told the DS. Big difference.

Apart from anything, plans can change.

"Dd with whom I have a good relationship shared the details because I have had conversations with her.
When I first inherited I had hoped there would be way forward, so included DS in the plan when talking to DD."

If he’s blanking her in the street she certainly doesn’t owe him anything! The inheritance was for her use and she gets to decide how best to use it.

If the money was left to you then he has no legal entitlement. If, due to the estrangement, you now cannot rely on him to look after you and support you in your old age I would also feel that you morally no longer should feel you have to give him some. You may now need it in order to secure your future (health care, shortfall in pension etc). If he is blanking you in the street and was specifically NOT provided for by your father because of the way your DS treated him, then - again - I would say he has no entitlement. You cannot buy his affection back by giving him this money, but you will leave yourself vulnerable. I would ask a solicitor to write him a cease and desist letter with respect to badgering you about it and go about your life - perhaps treat yourself to a few holidays and taking care of yourself as your own DF clearly planned.

No, but it's about common decency and respect. He doesn't need to be best friends with OP, but she is entitled to not be used as a cash machine with no attempt at some sort of reconciliation on his part.

It’s common decency not to blank your mother for 7 years, then harass her for a share of an inheritance you were explicitly excluded from by the person who drafted the will.

Agreed. If it was for urgent medical treatment or something I might see it differently. But he's not entitled to a house deposit from you, yet he seems to think he is and without needing to show any goodwill in return.

I would plan to be able to fund your retirement and include regular flights out to
Australia to visit your daughter. Staying there a while independently would probably be a plan as you could rent somewhere for a few months at a more reasonable price and dodge the British winter weather. That's all within reach and it's your money to do that with.

To be honest I think referring to it as his money is a cheek and so entitled despite the hurt he's caused. If you've genuinely tried your best to improve things and he remains awful to you then I wouldn't give him anything. He can't hold you to ransom. Sort of implying if you don't give money there will be a problem , there is already a problem.
Imagine how you'd feel if you gave it and he disappeared...with little or no thanks and no continued contact.
He wrongly sees the money as his direct from his grandfather but this is not the case. It is yours and any shared with others is a kind goodwill gesture, why would you give some to someone so hurtful who can't even acknowledge the real route of the money in the first place.
He sounds disgraceful.
Perhaps say you are putting all the funds in an account where you can't touch it for a few years for interest etc. That emphasizes it's yours but also gives time to think unpressured.
I hope you manage to find a way forward that you are happy with. Take care of yourself.

Yep, I was wrong, but still, there’s no “big difference”. Siblings talk about these things, quite naturally. OP shouldn’t have said anything about it,

Keep the money to protect you in retirement. His sense of entitlement alone means he doesn’t deserve that sacrifice from you.

I actually think the plan of giving him some money if he starts talking to you/the relationship improves. At least I certainly wouldn’t tell anyone inc dd about the plan.

not only would you run the risk of him being nice to get the money and then leave. But also if he has any narrative of you being toxic/controlling, etc this would play into that from his pov.

Do not give him anything he does not show you respect and yet wants your money, how do you actually know he would spend it on a house, he could be a drug addict.
I would rather give it to charity

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

No doubt your son and daughter will inherit from you one day. That doesn't help him now of course but many parents don't have anything to give to help their child get on the property ladder, the child usually gets there eventually.

If you really do want to help, maybe give him some money but not all that he wants. Keep a decent nest egg, you never know when you might need it in old age. We all hope we won't but it is something beyond our control.

This is a sad situation. I am sorry, op and do hope it will be resolved in time.

Do please go and see your daughter, spend some time there in an air b'n'b or similar, and relax.

Sadly I think this is true.
Your mistake was to mention it to him (or talk about including him to DD) as now you have set his expectations. Plus if you think you need the money for your financial security, why did ypu float the idea of buying a house for her/them?

On that, I agree. Op is best served by keeping her financial plans to herself.

Other than to salve any possibly misplaced feelings of guilt towards your son, I don't understand why you would set aside anything for him at this point. You have no idea what the future holds; most of us hope to live a long and healthy life and simply not wake up one morning, but we all know life's not usually that kind.

In your position, I'd be investing for the future while enjoying trips to see your daughter. You might not have given a lot of thought as to how your later years will pan out in terms of needing care or whatever awaits all of use in due course. A loving son would be telling you to live your best life and would be content with any inheritance that might come his way when the time comes.

I wouldn’t have said you’ve set some aside for him and given some to his sister. He will continue to feel owed.

I did have those plans. However the money was given to me and with my daughter in Australia and my son not talking to me I am using it to keep myself independent as I age. I’d hate for dd to feel stressed over her life choices with me unwell here. I do love you very much and hope to have you in my life but that will not be a relationship solely defined by money.

Would you move to Australia to be near dd and a better life. X

Keep it for your old age. He's shown you who he is. He won't be stepping up to look after you will he? You may well need it. Social care is awful here if you are not self funding. If you don't need it, you can give it to him then or leave it as a bequest once you are gone.

He is very entitled. I definitely would not give it to him.

I don't think you can be no contact with a parent and still expect financial assistance from them. You have to choose!

Money was offered from my in laws with strings attached. We didn't like the strings so we worked to arrange our own finance. Still all perfectly civil.

No matter my fault in the estrangement, nothing would make me give money to someone who refuses to talk to me!

This.
and this You need to teach your entitled, emotionally abusive son that women can't be bullied into submission. If you give him the money then that's the message you're giving him.
please don’t give him anything, he doesn’t respect you
, probably resents you, and sees you as a cash machine, not a real person.
please spend it on yourself, as your lovely dad wanted x

OP you mentioned you “have apologised for those times when I made mistakes”.

What sort of mistakes are we talking?

Personally I don't think estrangements happen for minor reasons

But you are perfectly entitled to not give him anything

I’m also estranged from my son and I wouldn’t give him the money. If you do he will still just walk past you and blank you in the street. I know exactly how you feel, you still want to do good for them and still love them as you did the day they was born but you will resent him when you see that he will still treat you the same as he is now. X

As the mother of an estranged daughter.i wouldn't give the money. He is using you and you should hold onto said money and move on. It is beyond sad but once they have a lie in their head you cant fight it.