Estranged son asking for large amount of money

[Friartruckster]

Wants the money for a deposit for a house.

States is entitled to money I have inherited, set aside for him.

Hasn’t spoken to me in 7 years. Will walk past me in the street and blank me.

States I am toxic and hence no contact.

I am posting because it’s such a dilemma. I desperately want to help him get on the property ladder, but being estranged has had a massive effect on me. It’s a huge amount of money to handover. The fact we are estranged means I have no close family now. Things like adapting to Christmas alone. Feel that money represents my security as I near retirement.

Have you asked your toxic dad for money like he has?

there has been lots of posts on here about going nc with toxic parents. And every single one has said they wouldn’t want any money /don’t care about losing inheritance. If he was genuine he wouldn’t be emailing for help or asking for money. I think he is the toxic one.

keep your money so you can visit your daughter. Where in Australia is she? You could even buy a little car to leave in Australia if she has space so you can visit and have your own freedom. Or even buy a caravan you could leave in storage and put it at her place (if she has space for it ) when you come stay.

I think I have the reasonable compromise as a consequence of reading your responses.

I have said I have set aside money from my inheritance from my Dad to share equally between DS and DD. Therefore I will give DA 25% of what has been set aside. If in the future we can find a common ground and we three can be in the same room, the money is there to possibly help reduce a mortgage. Otherwise, the money is there to assist me to remain as independent as possible in retirement.

I don't think this is a good idea at all. You can't buy relationship.

But all she's said is they've had disagreements, so that's on them both not just the son.

Just how much are we talking here?

I would only consider 'loaning' him the money. With a proper contract.

That way your conscience is clear that you've helped him get on the property ladder but you are also in no way rewarding his behaviour.

“Hi son, my father did not stipulate how the money was to be spent, it was given to me to use as I wish. A few years back, I did consider allocating some of it between you and DD, but I’ve realised that as I’m getting older and without any family support nearby, I’d be wise to keep it for things I need as I get older. Of course if anything changes I will perhaps rethink. But for now, it’s staying invested. I am sorry that you don’t feel able to have a relationship with me outside of these requests for help. I am open to having more conversations if you feel like we could try and resolve things.”

Good decision OP. The main thing is that if you give him the money and then need it, he won't help you back. It's a one-way entitled street with him. Your DD would then suffer to see you suffer, so keep it and consider a proportion to him in your will.

A mother's love is unconditional surely. It does not mean you can be treated like rubbish but if it helps him now maybe you should give it, if you would have done so before the estrangement?

Will he keep coming back for more ?

i don’t agree about still helping him despite his behaviour, unless there is something truly awful she’s done, his behaviour seems quite poor. He doesn’t automatically qualify for her money (especially when she might need it as she gets older, if he’s not going to support her). She’s doing the right thing.

But he is attempting to sell one.

Funny how she is toxic right up until he needs money. She forks over the cash, he disappears......then wants money so reappears.

He has no right to this money at all. The money was left to the OP in its entirety, she is perfectly within her rights, legally and morally, to tell him to sod off if all he wants her for is as an ATM.

to te poster who insists the parent has done something wrong sometimes tey havent an its just the way some kids are or the other parent is interferring an manipulating

Well his dad can help him

please don’t

also kids are not entitled to a deposit for a house

I wouldn’t say any of this level of detail to him OP. You need to just say you can’t part with the cash now as it is for your retirement (particularly as you haven’t family support nearby), otherwise he’ll badger you. He’ll be obsessed by it.

It does depend on the amount, but can you afford to give your son money outright, without it impacting on your future needs?

Your Dad could have left money to his grandchildren, but he chose not to, so I don't think you should feel that you have to give your kids any, unless you want to. You can give your DD money without giving the same to your son - he's made himself estranged, except when he wants something from you, so you don't have to treat them the same.

Your inheritance is your money. No idea why you are even considering giving away your money. Whether he ignores you for 7 years or has seen you once a week it is irrelevant - it is YOUR money. So therefore
no child or any person has any right to it.

if you hand over your security, your money then:

1. You are going against your Dad’s will - if he wanted this money to be left to your son, he would have left a set amount in his will to him
2. you lose your ability to visit your DD and family in Australia
3. with no family in UK you need the money to provide and buy in what you need as you get older, to adapt your home, extra heating, a cleaner or gardener as you get older, care even

your son has shown you he has no interest in you. Giving him money will not build a relationship. In fact he will not respect you any more for providing for him. As a parent you have brought him up. As an adult he has to provide for himself.

Just make sure that you are keeping more than enough for yourself, obviously MN commenters can’t comment whether giving away 25% will leave you with enough as we don’t know your financial position or how much the inheritance is
Do a proper calculation before you promise anything and give yourself a bit extra for things that you may not have accounted for

If your son cared about you at all, he wouldn't DARE ask you for a single penny. He would want you to have all of your own money.

This sounds crazy on his behalf. Like: oh toxic mother, b-ch, give me money.

Actually op has started with:

Nothing sinister. Simply differing pov. He is ‘my truth is the truth’.

Then said I have apologised for those times when I made mistakes.

This sounds to me there is far more to this than what op has said.

The fact that op said she was putting money to one side for her DS, then when he asked for it she’s changed her mind shows when her DS says things like I can imagine him saying ‘she’s always doing this shit. Says one thing and does another.’ he’s not wrong. This is the type of toxic mind game my own narcissistic toxic mother would play.

I stand by my previous position though, he’s not entitled to the money. But I don’t think op is being as truthful as she claims.

OP told her son four years ago she was going to gift him some money.

I would like to know what the differing points of view are is it something within the family or something political for instance. Regardless no one ever has to give anyone money estranged or not.

No way should you give him even 25% since he can't say hello when he sees you in the street. Lock it away in a long term deposit account, a private pension, premium bonds or pay off debts but don't give a penny to him.

You need to teach your entitled, emotionally abusive son that women can't be bullied into submission. If you give him the money then that's the message you're giving him.