Estranged son asking for large amount of money

[Friartruckster]

Wants the money for a deposit for a house.

States is entitled to money I have inherited, set aside for him.

Hasn’t spoken to me in 7 years. Will walk past me in the street and blank me.

States I am toxic and hence no contact.

I am posting because it’s such a dilemma. I desperately want to help him get on the property ladder, but being estranged has had a massive effect on me. It’s a huge amount of money to handover. The fact we are estranged means I have no close family now. Things like adapting to Christmas alone. Feel that money represents my security as I near retirement.

Look at all your possible future needs, including health care. Please prioritise yourself. I'm 61 years old with a chronic illness. If you have your health just spend it gloriously on cruises, adventures and interesting things like going to an amateur painting retreat or learning yoga, etc. It's your one and only life. Do you really want to spend the rest of it trying to make excuses for a son who doesn't deserve your kindness?
You are both adults. You both don't to need anyone else's permission to enjoy your autumn years. 👏

They do particularly when someone is in their ear sprouting lies. It is a nightmare. You camt fight a narcs lies for some reason they stick.

If someone goes NC then reappears and demands money, I'd be more inclined to think they are a narcissist who is furious you didn't chase them when they left.

OP thats your money. You don't know what the future might hold, don't give it away. You can always leave him some in your will.

Did whomever you inherited from want him to have some of the money? If so, then give him what’s owed to him. If not, say no.

Yes I agree he’s cheeky for asking if he doesn’t speak to her but it would be very interesting to know the ins and outs of why.

Holding the money for the future is a good idea and if relationship gets better you can help DS out.

Referring to it as ‘his’ money is so cheeky. So he thinks you shouldn’t spend it, but he should!

No, but if he said he was going to give me my grampas money then changed his mind I'd be annoyed (but not at all surprised). I cant help automatically siding with the son here and don't think she should blackmail him with the further 25% if he behaves how she wants. She's trying to control him again potentially.

Did you know that you you might well be able to retire in Australia given 50% of your children live there?

If you give him money, he won't like you anymore than he just now. He will just think you are a pushover. I'm really sorry but he doesn't sound like a very nice young man at all. He is using you and thinks he is entitled to your money. Do you really think he would share his inheritance with anyone ?

Your dad didn't leave it to him, he left it to you and you can do whatever you want with it. In your position I would use it for your own security.

I wouldn't read much into the card. Younger people don't really seem to send cards these days.

It makes no difference what caused the estrangement.
It makes no difference how you spend the inheritance.
It's your money
Your father left it to you alone. Had he wanted your son to have some, he would have said so in his will.
Give any to your son and you'll never hear from him again.

I think the next generation don't really do Christmas cards, I wouldn't over think that point.

Tell him to get bent, the entitled little shit.

I wouldn’t say this, OP. Stick to the simple response that @myplace suggested about needing the money for possible future care needs, because that may happen. Unless you have SO much money that you’re really not going to need it?

Your Will can divide your estate between your children so he’ll get something eventually.

The money is yours - as your father wished.

He was free to leave something to your son... but chose not to. (You can point this out to your son if you wish. He can think about why this would have happened.)

You can choose what to do with your own will - but should probably honour your father's wishes.

So sorry about the division between you and your son. That must be painful no matter what caused it. You sound to be doing the right things to prepare the ground between you for when he grows up. Leave the door open and continue to be the adult.

Don't bring money into it though. Money is not a good basis for a healthy relationship and it is likely to cause you more pain if he takes it and rejects you again.

It’s your choice either way but I would definitely go to counseling for support for your mental health as it sounds heartbreaking for you. Were you close when he was a young child?

Giving him some of the money is the worst of all worlds. He will continue to feel he was entitled to more, you will feel, once again, that a reasonable compromise has been twisted into control freakery.
I am in your position and totally heartbroken by it. So I know how much you will be wanting to help. I might respond, kindly, that he was mistaken, your fathers money came to you, with no conditions, and he has no entitlement. Then he can decide whether to approach you again. If he was nasty and demanded money, I would find it easy to say no, but if he asked for a contribution, if I was able, I would then help. I do know what you mean about their opinion mattering less as time goes on. I miss my adult child every single day, but I don’t miss the drama they brought to my life, the walking on eggshells, being publicly humiliated, having every family occasion derailed.
I’m sure you know this, but I’ve also, painfully learnt not to ever discuss the situation with my other children. It’s just not fair on me or them.
I hope you just have the best time going forwards.

Agree with this.
He is entitled to his own choices, so he can choose to not be in your life, but he can’t then decide he also wants your money !

A pp suggested holding the money in the event helping to reduce his mortgage if a healthy relationship re-establishes itself. This would be good alternative. Doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

This is pretty controlling. Give him the money or don’t. If you change your mind at some point in the future, that’s fine. But holding onto the money as a way to reward him for treating you the way you want to be treated - well, as cheeky as asking for the money is, maybe he has good reason for not wanting much to do with you.

I would agree, I’m really sorry, I don’t believe he has any intentions to reconcile, he just wants the money. Take care of yourself

The OP has already said this was not so.

if you decide to give cash to kids please make it even so that both children receive the identical same amount.

I would probably give both children a small token amount and keep the rest for old age. Tell him that he has the same amount as his sister.

What patronising rubbish.

Nothing in the OP's posts suggests such a need.

He’s not entitled to anything and you can’t buy his affections just let his dad help him get on the property ladder since he’s like to fan the flames.

If I were estranged from my parents for a good reason, I wouldn't ask them for money.