Estranged son asking for large amount of money

[Friartruckster]

Wants the money for a deposit for a house.

States is entitled to money I have inherited, set aside for him.

Hasn’t spoken to me in 7 years. Will walk past me in the street and blank me.

States I am toxic and hence no contact.

I am posting because it’s such a dilemma. I desperately want to help him get on the property ladder, but being estranged has had a massive effect on me. It’s a huge amount of money to handover. The fact we are estranged means I have no close family now. Things like adapting to Christmas alone. Feel that money represents my security as I near retirement.

Use it for yourself.

Seeing the money can benefit DD to remain in the country she loves and reduce her draw back to the UK by having the money to visit, or look after myself properly in retirement.

Yes, use the money to take the pressure off the child who cares about you.

You’re right, asking me to do something for him is his way of showing he ‘forgives’ me. This and the birthday and Christmas cards occurred over a period of 10 weeks.

With hindsight, I could have been bolder and sent a message in between.

However, it was pretty much one way traffic. I think it’s not unreasonable to have received a Christmas card. The absence of this left me feeling I was being kept at arms length again. And then so soon after Christmas to get a message asking for ‘his money’.

You are correct, the money represents your future security. If you were close as a family, you might reasonably expect that there would be some payback in the future, but as it is, you'd just be throwing the money away.

Keep the money.

Maybe he also wanted his mum to ask how he is, ask how is life's going, perhaps explain about things that had gone wrong from the past, and maybe to say I'm here for you and say (indirectly) that my love for you is unconditional (as it should be). These things are never black and white.

Doesn't mean she should be handing out thousands and being treated like shit. He sounds disgusting.

He is entitled to not want a relationship with her. If that is his choice he's not entitled to thousands of pounds just because he wants it. Can't have it all ways. 'Let me treat you like shit and ignore you for 7 years but give me thousands of pounds because I want a deposit for a house - while I continue to bad-mouth you to my sister.'

No, you don't know - but I've seen similar.

From what the OP has said, the only contact made by the son has been to demand money. She should tell him to go whistle (or simply not respond at all).

He could have sent his mum a card to keep contact going like she did. He did nothing.

You say he walks past you in the street and blanks you, but do you say hello to him? I hate it when people say a person has blanked them as I always say but so did you if you didn't say anything to them either.
Theres two sides to every NC

In my experience, people like the son just take and use.

Stay strong, you're doing the right thing. The answer for him is that no, it isn't his money, it's yours and you are choosing not to reward him for the way he treats you.

That is a good response, could you give him a little bit though? It may help in some way towards a reconciliation

Very cheeky to ask for an inheritance though

Do you think he is financially stable and what age is he?

Maybe he's still hurt and angry about the past.

If you give him this money then need help at a later point, it sounds like he would be unlikely to help so I think you need to keep it for your own peace of mind

I think you should do exactly this.

The inheritance is yours, you get to decide what happens to it. However if you intimated that you would give some to him then I think you need to honour that in the fullness of time. Doesn’t mean you have to do it now, on demand, but if he was led to believe there was money coming and then it’s withdrawn that won’t help repair your relationship.

I would put a sum aside for him, and spend the rest any way you want. If/when you are back on good terms, that’s when he can have the money. Because it’s a gift, not a debt, and he needs to be suitably appreciative.

Whatever I gave my daughter, I'd give to my son.
She can't moan about it as she lives in Oz and she told him about it (unless he asked her for help first and she wanted to be left be, albeit breaking your confidences doing so. Or unless she told him in a bid to say how you still care).
Only one thing would stop me and that would be if he had an addiction. Otherwise I'd treat them the same.
I am responsible and accountable for estrangements in my family though. I wouldn't be giving out of "buying" them back. I do owe them. I feel I do. No amount of cash can change a dysfunctional dynamic but regardless of communication, I'd treat mine equally.

What past? OP hasn’t done anything to him.

He sounds awful and I’m afraid I do know people like this who have cut out their family because they think they are better than them. It’s not always the case that a child would only go NC if a parent is abusive. Narcissists will only take what they can get from people and if they can’t get anything they don’t bother.
I also don’t think parental love is or should be conditional. It probably feels that way when you have a lovely little toddler but there are so many adult scumbuckets out there who use and abuse people and if my kids turned out like that I’d not want them in my life.
I’d tell him that as he doesn’t want a relationship with you, there is no way you will be giving up your own money for him.

That’s what I would do

how do you know 🤔

Have you considered the fact that maybe you are toxic? I don't speak to my dad much because he is toxic but he'd never have the self reflection to see my side. If it was my son, and had had enough, I'd give him the deposit and wish him well I think. But my sons are young so it's hard for me to imagine being estranged and hope I never am.

She said she hasn’t.

"Sorry son, since you haven't spoken to me in 7 years I assumed the relationship was over so there is no inheritance for you ... I'm not sure why you think there would be when we don't even speak. Sorry but I can't help you"

At this point (after 7 years) you literally have nothing to lose.

This would be a good use of the money.

Also, you are allowed to change your mind. There is no way I’d give money to someone who had blanked me for 7 years.