Estranged son asking for large amount of money

[Friartruckster]

Wants the money for a deposit for a house.

States is entitled to money I have inherited, set aside for him.

Hasn’t spoken to me in 7 years. Will walk past me in the street and blank me.

States I am toxic and hence no contact.

I am posting because it’s such a dilemma. I desperately want to help him get on the property ladder, but being estranged has had a massive effect on me. It’s a huge amount of money to handover. The fact we are estranged means I have no close family now. Things like adapting to Christmas alone. Feel that money represents my security as I near retirement.

I think OP you need to work out what you need financially to keep you going through retirement regardless of estrangement. You've mentioned visiting your daughter in Oz and spending time overseas during our winter. There maybe other things you want to do. Personally I wouldn't give your money away too quickly as you should be your own priority and once the money is gone, it's gone.

But if OP was so toxic and a terrible human being why after 7 years of being estranged would he go and ask for money? Sounds to me like he might be the problem.
We haven’t spoke to MIL in 11 years and I don’t care how much we needed money we wouldn’t dream of contacting her

Indeed.

The "thawing" of relations coincided with financial aid.

As others have said, it's likely that he'll "thaw" the relations again until he gets what he wants and then he'll disappear.

Then OP will be still left with an estranged son and less money to go and see the child she is close to.

Stay strong OP. I know it's a heart v head decision but hopefully the majority of people here will convince you to follow your head over your heart in this case.

Hi OP. My eldest DC is also estranged from the family. Over the years he has said some vile things, stolen from us and when DH went down with dementia got him to sign a power of attorney so he could try and access his money. He also reported us (falsely) to social services when the POA was removed. I did support him in getting a deposit. I said I would do this no matter what. However, I am very conscious I will help him buy a house which I will never ever be welcome in. Which is a bit odd. He sees no need to keep in contact with DH. After all, there is nothing now he can get out of him.

Well she was aggrieved first when he ignored for 7 years.

So she owes him nothing. That money was left to HER.

Hmmm 'his truth is the truth'... that sounds very much like phrasing of when narc parents gaslight and deny what really happened.

You don't owe them anything, keep your money, no adult child is entitled to demand money (unless there was a loan that you owe them) but if they cut you off for 7 YEARS and you are denying any fault or responsibility that says a lot in itself.

Blaming the other parent for poisoning kids against you is also a classic and famous narc/deadbeat trait.

I’ve said he’s got a cheek so I agree with that, but you didn’t go NC with your MIL for no reason I assume? So you can surely see it from the child’s POV in that respect regarding your DH relationship with his own mother…

What if it is the father's fault and he has poisoned his son against the mother?

Again, yes he sounds entitled and I agree there are other ways and it’s up to OP, but we don’t know what caused the relationship to breakdown.

Why are you assuming this didn't happen? Mind you if the OP mentioned asking this in a post you can be sure the NC evangelists (not in short supply on MN) would be accusing her of manipulation and making support conditional.

There are few things more black and white than going NC.

NC + a bit of contact when I want something is not NC - its using.

Why are you alone at Christmas if you have a good relationship with daughter?

She has already explained.

The OP was very clear in her post that her father was unhappy with DS's treatment of him, not unhappy due to third party comments. The DF then left a will leaving his assets wholly to the OP. Its now her money.

Narcissists and the toxic members of relationships are not always parents - they can also be the DC in the relationship. The DC who only rocks up for money and treats their parents appallingly is not exactly rare. In this case a 27 year old man, happy to listen to the OP's ex whispering in his ear has decided the OP is the devil incarnate except when he wants money.

The DS is free to go NC, not free to go NC (except when there is money about).

I wonder how much of the communication is through DD as this muddles things up a bit.

Is it ' DD said he said' kind of a scenario, or did he ask you for the money directly OP?

Its fascinating how every time a parent posts about estrangement there is an interrogation about what they have done wrong.

When a child posts about estrangement its about what the parent has done wrong.

Any suggestion that it might just be the DC who is the problem is poo poo'd as posters are pointed to the stately homes thread.

Narcissists and toxic people have childhoods as well - some of them grow up to be pretty toxic adult DC, some go on to be toxic parents.

In the real world the occurence of true narcissism is rare, contrary to what many MNers seem to believe. Its also not age related.

Where does it say the son is 27? Anyway, the OP admits that she did make mistakes. And if he is 27, that means he pulled away when he was 20. Which means his issues with her are from his childhood. But there is a similar thread involving a 27yo son going NC and Australia which might be confusing things.

Because the OP says she apologised to him for the mistakes she made, which means she does know why he has issues with her but she's dismissing them as nothing serious. Well they're serious enough to him.

Look into the family backgrounds of awful / damaged people and in the vast majority there will be some major dysfunction of some kind that has gone on.

Edited to make a slightly more empathetic response.

@Friartruckster

If you do decide to provide any money for a "house deposit" you [obviously] need advice from a Solicitor if in England. One way to protect yourself is to become a "tenant in common" for a share of the property

I think this sounds a reasonable compromise although depends on the amounts involved and how comfortable you are now I think and how much difference losing 25% of the money (or 50% assuming you give your DD 25% also) would make to you, your security and quality of life in retirement.

I also think that, prior to giving your son any money at all, you'd need to come to terms with the fact that there may never be any relationship between you. Even if you give this money, even if you give the full 50% of the money now, even if you gave him 100% of the money now. How will you feel if you give money and still have zero relationship ever?

It might be worth discussing your full financial picture with a financial advisor and taking some time to think it all through, even discussing the estrangement with a counsellor. I don't think this is a decision you should rush.

Narcissists and the toxic members of relationships are not always parents - they can also be the DC in the relationship.

Exactly. There are two narcissist siblings in our family. Our parents are simple folk who did their best.

Giving him any money is a terrible idea. If you ever needed that money or any support, you can be damn sure he would never give you a thing, OP. Why would you risk yourself like that?

You cannot buy love.

Please introduce me to the parent who has made no mistakes. Its what any estranged party in a broken relationship might do if they want to repair that relationship.

It doesn't say the DS was without fault on his side but seemingly he only wanted the money not a relationship.

Yes I misread that - so adult but may be older than 27.

Keep the money for your use, he deserves nothing. Who you chose to can benefit on your death.
And not before