Estranged son asking for large amount of money

[Friartruckster]

Wants the money for a deposit for a house.

States is entitled to money I have inherited, set aside for him.

Hasn’t spoken to me in 7 years. Will walk past me in the street and blank me.

States I am toxic and hence no contact.

I am posting because it’s such a dilemma. I desperately want to help him get on the property ladder, but being estranged has had a massive effect on me. It’s a huge amount of money to handover. The fact we are estranged means I have no close family now. Things like adapting to Christmas alone. Feel that money represents my security as I near retirement.

I dont understand why people are ignoring that it was the OP who led her son to believe she was going to give him money. He hadn't just spontaneously decided that he is entitled to it. She told her daughter that she was going to help them both out with buying properties. That is what was relayed to him. Now the OP has changed her mind.

In this case, never apologise and never explain.

Op very very few young men send Christmas cards - I don’t think you should read much into this particular fact.

That doesn’t put it ‘on her’ to give him her money though.

People are allowed to change their minds 🤷🏻‍♀️

You can’t hold people to things they have said in the past when you now treat them like shit.

That’s incredibly entitled.

Because he’s proceeded to treat her like an absolute nobody.

He didn’t even text her happy Christmas AFTER she helped before Christmas and then sent him a Christmas card and gift.

You should give him the money, definitely. It's your fault you are estranged - it's always the parent's fault. The child is the product of their upbringing.

So many people have no understanding about family estrangement. When you have a shit relationship to the point where you’re holding onto some resentment from the past and this is on a level where you ignore your mother in the street, a Christmas card and an apology doesn’t make it all right.

I can't really tell from the posts but have goal posts been moved as a result of estrangement? Was he originally told that he was going to be given a set share of the money, and that was then withheld because he cut contact? Otherwise why does he think it is his money?

That doesn't change what I said. He didn't just decide he was entitled to her money like people are saying. This didn't come out of nowhere. The OP was foolish to say she was going to give him money before she was sure that she could.

This is my concern. There must have been a previous conversation before estrangement. Why would he think it was his money, unless he had previously been told it was going to be given to him? I don't think that came from nowhere either.

It definitely is not always the parents' fault. Some adult kids are just awful people too, in spite of a good upbringing, for all sorts of reasons. (I'm not estranged, so that's not why I'm saying it).

This is good.

Giving him money is foolish.
He can't have suchva big problem with you if hebis happy to call for help.

With those that have genuine estrangement they would rather stick needles in their eyes than ask for help.

He's an entitled cheeky fxxker.
I wouldn't be giving him a penny.

It didn't. The OP and her son have been estranged for 7 years. 4 years ago the OP told her daughter that she was going to help them both get on the property ladder with her inheritance. The daughter told her son this. Now her son is trying to buy a house and asked his mum for the deposit he was told she had set aside for him. The OP has decided she no longer wants to give him money, which is her right, but she shouldn't be surprised if it puts the final nail in the coffin of their relationship.

Use the money to enjoy your life in the here and now. Visit your daughter, travel,improve your own home, whatever you want . If he can't even stop to talk to you in the street, he's entitled to nothing.

If he was also horrible to your father, the source of the money, then absolutely he has no entitlement to any part of it.

The slight problem there, OP, is that it's still dangling the money as a possibility - assuming he's told about this plan of course - and that if he doesn't get it NOW he'll still be bitter

Personally I'd take the issue off the table completely and simply tell him he's not getting it, though there's nothing to stop you privately keeping some aside for if things change in the future

Yes you can. If your mother told you she was going to help you buy a property then went back on it while you struggled, you would be just as aggrieved.

The estrangement changes everything. If a family member said they'd buy me a car on a big birthday, and in the meantime we had a catastrophic disagreement and stopped speaking, I would assume the arrangement was off. I wouldn't message when the day arrived saying 'so where's my car?' Why the son thinks he can sever all interactions and obligations to his mum, but still opt back into the benefits when it suits him, I don't know. It's not his money as it was not left to him. He can choose to ignore his mother in the street if he wants to but he can't do that and still say 'you owe me a house deposit'. She doesn't.

OP told her daughter she’d gift her son the money whilst the estrangement was ongoing.

I agree. Except in this case the estrangement didn't happen after she said she would give him money. They were already estranged at this point and had been for years.

If I'd estranged myself from my mother, I wouldn't ask for anything from her though. You can't have your cake and eat it too. I wouldn't ask anyone for anything that I wasn't involved with actively, especially such large sums. It doesn't sound like OP mentioned it to her son but the DD did.

In whatever case, it seems sensible for OP to hold onto it for her future security, especially given she doesn't seem to have any close family to help her out if she needs it.

We do not know the son's side of things here. We do not know what his mother has done for him to call her toxic. Toxic people generally don't accept that they are toxic so it's going to be impossible to know if there is any truth in it from the OP.

But if I had had to take a step back from a mother I found toxic, and then was told that she was going to help me buy a house when I was ready, I would probably think/hope that was her way of making things up to me. Then if she went back on her word like this I would probably see it as just another example of why I made the decision to go low/no contact with her in the first place.

Hand over the money and you will never see him again. Go and enjoy your money, be generous with yourself but not with him, You cannot buy him.