Estranged son asking for large amount of money

[Friartruckster]

Wants the money for a deposit for a house.

States is entitled to money I have inherited, set aside for him.

Hasn’t spoken to me in 7 years. Will walk past me in the street and blank me.

States I am toxic and hence no contact.

I am posting because it’s such a dilemma. I desperately want to help him get on the property ladder, but being estranged has had a massive effect on me. It’s a huge amount of money to handover. The fact we are estranged means I have no close family now. Things like adapting to Christmas alone. Feel that money represents my security as I near retirement.

This is your money. You'd be a total mug to give him anything.

If you have money, keep it for yourself and your old age. I am currently arranging care for my parents. The cost is eye watering. You can be retired for 30 years now. The riches shrink to nothing with inflation.

Any relationship you pay for - and this is what's happening with your son - is not one worth having. How he can blank you in the street and think he is entitled to money from you. It beggars belief.

Tell him straight: I feel you have treated me badly so I don't see why you would expect money from me now. Things have changed since I said I wanted to help you. I cannot rely on you to help me in my old age seeing as you blank me in the street. So I am going have to buy in the help that a son normally gives his Mother. If he gets upset, that's on him. It's not your problem to solve.

No chance

@Ponkeypink it's not fair to say that. Haven't you heard of parental alienation?

What you don't say is whether his statement is true. Just because he says he's entitled do it doesn't mean he is.

You don't provide much information, and nothing about what caused the estrangement, but I'd be tempted to say, as nicely as possible: No, you're not entitled to anything until I'm dead if you find it in the will. I understand with your wish for a house, and part of me would naturally have loved to help. But that's predicated on our having a loving relationship. You can't just show up and treat me like a cash register.

You should certainly not endanger your security to help someone treating you with contempt.

I've been thinking this all the way through, and didn't think that anyone else had picked up on the fact that the OP's Father clearly wasn't enamoured by her DS's behaviour, so either her son was a little shit to his Grandfather too, or his Grandfather didn't like the way he treats his Mum, either way, I don't think your Father would want you to give him any of the money OP, unless there happens to be some left when you die.

It really irritates me that so many kids think they can treat their parents like shit, and yet still feel they're entitled to their money before they're even dead.

Hang onto what you have for your retirement OP, and think carefully about whether you'd want him to have a share if you died tomorrow, when writing your Will.

Exactly. Fully agree. I've seen many estrangements like this and the parent(s) always play down their role, making it sound as if their child just went no contact with them out of a blue sky, on a whim, for no reason whatsoever. Usually followed 'I was a hard-working, good mum/dad, I gave them everything'.

And they often like to manipulate their offspring using inheritance (if there is any), dangling it like a carrot.

My grandmother is like that. No one can stand her, not her daughter (my mum), not her grandchildren. We're all very low contact. A manipulative, martyr-ish, 'woe is me' narc. Forever writing and rewriting her will, dividing and re-dividing her riches, attempting to pit us against each other based on what and how much she'll (theoretically) leave us. No one cares, and she can shove her money up her old arse.

Yet if you'd ask her, she's just a poor woman, who devoted her whole life to her daughter and grandchildren, wanted nothing but the best for us, loved us unconditionally, yadda yadda. And we're ungrateful evil cunts who never visit. All her granny friends believe her poor, defenceless lil granny shtick and think us Antichrist. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I absolutely don't believe the 'poor me, evil son' act. However, the money is legally OP's and she's perfectly entitled to keep it all, if she so wishes.

I agree.

If the OP is so toxic then he would never contact her again under any circumstances. But it seems that he is cutting her off....right up until he wants money. Then suddenly she isnt toxic anymore?

Cant help feeling that the OP's ex is saying "Well if you want to buy a house, ask your mum! She has money, its the least she can do".

Saying a hard NO to the DS will teach him that manipulation doesnt work and that he is owed precisely nothing. Either he will sort himself out, or he wont and that will be another lesson he needs to learn.

Im estranged from mine wouldn't dream of adking for a dime

Whatever you do will never be enough.

Don't do it.

Whilst I agree that some people can use the "I will write you out of my will!" thing as a threat, the OP isnt doing that.

He has cut her off as toxic, as is his right. But he only cuts her off until he wants money.

If I had a toxic family (frankly, its borderline) I wouldnt ask them for money. I would cut off and walk away. See it on MN lots, DD goes NC and the family start dangling money and the DD says "I dont want their money, I just want them to leave me alone". This isnt what he is doing.

Feels like the ex husband/wife dumping their spouse and then suddenly demanding a pay out if the ex spouse wins the lottery.

This is why I am coming down on the side of the OP. But I really do think that she should stop telling her DD her financial plans.

What a cheek!! Don't give it to him OP. I can't believe he even asked.

If it’s your inheritance you are under no obligation to give him anything .

Agree with this. When you explain you are providing some reasons which can be argued against/overcome. Just say "sorry the answer is no"

That sounds like the worst option. You will only give him money if he talks to you again, comes across as manipulative. Just keep the money and let him know he is definitely in your will and that will never change. You need that money it seems.

Please don’t give it to him OP. He wants nothing to do with you and that should include your money!

I agree, I couldn’t care less what my narc mother has to give me I don’t want her in any part of my life and certainly don’t want her money. But, we don’t actually know what was said to the DS. It maybe his sis said grandad left X amount and X has been earmarked for you. To me that would sound like the grandad was wanting the DS to have some and the DS believes this was part of the will or the grandad asked for some to be set aside.

The fact this discussion happened with dd seven years ago and is now coming up is strange, if things are so bad why is dd suddenly telling DS this now.

Also the grandad not being happy about DS behaviour is something that happens when people cut toxic family members out. I was blanked and given daggers by my aunt at a family funeral I had the audacity to attend because she believes everything my toxic mother feeds her. I actually laughed to myself, had I been a lesser person I’d have happily told her exactly what my mother thinks of her but it wouldn’t change a thing and I’d still be the bad guy because that’s how narcs work, to the outside world including family they are wonderful loving caring parents, but as the saying goes, nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors!

I may have missed something - did DS actually ask you directly for the money, or is this something you heard indirectly from your DD, following her conversation with DS?

Of course but you’ve got to ask yourself why. I am almost NC with one of my parents and they will tell you I’m ungrateful, I don’t care and a load of other shight but the truth is I would have loved so much to have a good relationship with them, but they are a toxic and shit parent. No one accepts their own flaws really so they won’t see it like that.

I’m NOT referring to the OP in general I’m just pointing out that going NC is a big deal and won’t be done lightly in the majority of cases. Why would anyone chose to do that for no good reason.

Quite but wouldn't entitle him to her money-unless he had loaned it to her.

Don’t give it to him, at least not at the moment. If you’d like to have a relationship then he needs to work hard to get back that trust with you before you should even consider it. In my opinion, it could potentially take a number of years, 3 or more I’d say. Please don’t go handing over your security straight away to someone who will likely just go back to ignoring you. Make him earn it first before you decide.

Yes I agree with that, I agree he’s cheeky, but my point is that we do t know the ins and outs of it so it would be an olive branch to do so on her part. She doesn’t need to of course but unless he’s unhinged then it’s a wonder why he is NC….

Sounds more like it was calculated as a way to open a path for asking for the money.

You've apologised as you say, so if it was genuine, the next step would have been him asking to meet/talk and continue reparing the relationship.

Instead of goung straight to asking for a big chunk of money.

Do what you like with your money but be warned ...once it's gone it's gone and you also may not get him back either. Given his behaviour that is what I think may well happen.

I’m not saying it entitles him as he does sound quite grabby but it could help they’re relationship in the long run as he clearly doesn’t have a high opinion of his mum for reasons unbeknown to us - of course it may not build bridges

Why foes an olive branch have to be money for a house though?

Why not a meal out, a phone call, a letter...
There's so much as a way of an olive branch than asking for a big chunk of money and stating he's entitled to it, when he isn't.