Aibu about Teens new year party disaster

[NiftyWasp94]

Recently my son had a new year's party with all his friends (he's 16) they used the house whilst I was away visiting my parents, I trusted him with the house as he is a mature kid. However when I got home the next day I found that the house had been absolutely trashed, cups and dishes everywhere and the dog had been dyed yellow and pink! I've cleaned the house as much as I can but there are things like holes in the walls and the dining tables leg has been broken. I've since grounded my son taking all his devices away, and I won't be letting him have/go to any more parties especially not in my house. The damages to the wall and things are going to cost upwards of £2500 he is going to be getting a job and paying for all of it.
Is this a reasonable response?

I would love to see the reaction of the claims management when they see the filled in form:

"How did the damage occur?"

"I allowed my teenage son to have a party without adult supervision and it got out of hand."

Dd has just turned 17 and wanted to go to a friend's for NYE. I had never heard of this friend and she lived miles away so she didn't go but if she had I would have expected an adult to be there to make sure things didn't get out of hand. I think you are responsible for what happened.

I voted that you are not unreasonable in your response.
BUT you were definitely unreasonable allowing your son to have a party unsupervised.

This is super unfortunate OP. My dd had a party for her 16th where we went and left her to it but said we would be back at 10pm to check in then would leave them again afterwards until we checked again at midnight.

all of the kids were so well behaved and they were dancing listening to music and just having fun. No damage no real mess. I ordered them pizzas etc.

my dd said afterwards that it’s quite stressful hosting a party and making sure everyone didn’t make a mess etc that she said she wasn’t keen to host again! - not sure if that was actually a good or bad thing!

she is 19 now and has since had more parties and even when drinking we’ve never had any damage (apart from a few broken glasses)!

I don’t think you were crazy to let them have a party and I’m sure your child is deeply remorseful and gutted about his friends letting him and you down.

try not to be too hard on him but a big conversation about responsibility needs to happen.

They dyed the dog 😆😆😆

YABU because it is your fault, so you should pay the costs for your mistake. If you had just left him in the house and he had a secret party then I would have said YANBU but you gave permission to a 16yo to have a NYE house party with no adult supervision so you are overall responsible for such a silly decision.

Gosh some of the responses are a bit judgemental! Everyone wants to trust their kids. You have sadly learned the hard way that sometimes boys really will be boys and maybe peer pressure played a part. Is the poor dog ok. How on earth did they dye it pink. I think we have all done stupid things as teens. I'd be writing the money off but no more parties - ever!

Girls wouldn't have been any better IME. It's just teens.

haha yeh I thought that as soon as I posted it! I think a lot of young people would struggle with being left alone with a house and a group of people wanting to party. :)

I personally cannot fathom a parent believing their child or the friends of their children will be well behaved at a party when they’re 16. Even if their child is ok their friends can go wild or influence a good child. Let’s face it most of us have been there when younger and what I saw in the 90’s shocked me what others will happily do to other peoples houses and not their own home!
You may have good reason to trust your child, but everyone else’s…. The odd parent may come back to a fine home, but most don’t. Have your neighbours mentioned anything as if you’re attached they must have heard and possibly been affected?
Yes ground him etc, but I think you also have to consider fault is not all his.

it’s up to you but I would be wary of kids having unsupervised house parties, especially under 21 as some can get a bit silly.
I would prefer a responsible adult at home if my 16 year old was going over for a party.

This is all on you in my opinion. You left a child home alone overnight in the knowledge that he was going to have a party. Presumably you also assumed there would be alcohol involved. The liability is all yours, and you are lucky nothing worse happened.

My 19 year old and his GF broke a TV at a friends house party while messing about. They ended up paying for it to be replaced, not the kid who hosted the party. If he doesn’t want to pay for it all himself then he needs to tell you who actually caused the damaged and get them to contribute.

16 year olds don’t have the impulse control or problem solving skills to manage an unsupervised house party. I agree it probably got out of control and I can imagine him feeling quite scared and overwhelmed. Maybe if you took a softer approach and came at it from a place of empathy he might be more willing to discuss openly with you what happened and if lines of communication are open he’s more likely to learn from this.
I‘m not saying don’t be firm and put consequences in place, but they need to be more proportionate and take into account that he probably didn’t cause any of the damage, didn’t intend for this to happen and that ultimately it was a poor decision on your part.
Did you make him clean up or help get the dye out of the dog? Cos those would be more meaningful natural consequences. I think I’d be more declined to deduct money from his allowance for a period of time than force a 16 year old with studying/exams to get a job.

No, this one's on you
Only an idiot would let a 16 year old have a party in their house with no adults present.

There'll have been people he's never seen before there because... social media
Everyone will have brought alcohol
No-one will listen to the voice of reason trying to control numbers, behaviour, noise etc
He probably got carried away & didn't realise the state of the house until everyone had gone.

I might ask for a contribution towards the cost of damage but I wouldn't ask him to pay it all.

I'm absolutely amazed that you buggered off and let him have a party in your house.

You left a 16 year old to host a party. What authority would he have had to stop all of that behaviour. I bet he regretted it soon after it started and was totally stressed.

Oh blimey you got off lightly. My 16 year old was supposed to be staying with his dad (we are separated and I was going away) and he told his dad he was going to stay at a friends house but instead he planned a party - which got announced on FB - and widely shared. I had a call from him panicking and crying, he passed the phone to the police who had been called by many people (neighbours) as well as my son himself. HUNDREDS of kids came. Highlights were kids climbing in through the high level windows in the dining room when my son’s 6th form rugby playing ‘bouncer’ was trying to stop them coming in the front door - ripping the curtains in the process. Drugs. Kids mugging other kids. My son being held at knifepoint as he was trying to call the police. My bedroom door and my daughter’s bedroom door being kicked in (my son had locked them) to get at laptops etc he had hidden. My daughter’s piggy bank smashed and her pocket money stolen. Toaster being used as a football in the back garden. Neighbours threatened and beer bottles being thrown at them when they tried to intervene. Burn damage, vomit, stairs plastered in mud…fun times. The police said they reckoned there were about 450 kids in the house. Luckily my insurance company were amazing.

I moved out at 16 so I don’t agree that he’s too young to be alone or to host a party.

it sounds like word got around and the wrong people heard about it.
he needs to find out who in his friend group invited other people, because they aren’t his friends. I feel sorry for him, I imagine he tried to stop things but couldn’t (as he’s previously had parties without issue).

Mother here who’s 15 year old daughter just had a large NYE party at ours. We were home. 30 youths turned up with alcohol. We were HERE and we still had to control things albeit from afar as I won’t embarrass my child by being at the party so to speak. How on Earth you think a 16 year old can control things is beyond me. This is on you.

How would you expect a 16 year old boy to stop a party once it’s gotten out of hand. I don’t imagine he encouraged it! I can only imagine the panic he felt when he realised. I’d punish him but I think you also need to take responsibility for what happened.

I would sit down and have a deeper discussion with him. You said he had parties before and everything was fine, yet he will not tell you want happened at this one? There’s no trust if he doesn’t tell you, and you can’t be sure you’re protecting him, if he is not open about what happened.

The sh*t has already hit the fan, so he may as well at least explain the full story.

Yes he should be held accountable for this happening on ‘his watch’ - that’s what being a grown up is all about and that’s his lesson.

I would be tempted to propose that you’re both going to work through it together, especially as it is likely not necessarily his ‘direct’ fault. In which case, rather than punish with the no devices, he works to help put it right, with your support - like grown ups.

This! I agree with this. A much more productive approach, where he can learn like an adult rather than being reprimanded like a child. Especially as it sounds like he is not a trouble maker.

Well, too late now, damage is done. You will have to suck up the expense of the repairs. How can he possibly repay you at age 16, he's still a schoolboy.
You can withhold his games etc for a while but he will need his laptop for school work.
This is a lesson for both of you.

No it's not reasonable. He wouldn't have been able to control other teenagers. Sorry but responsibility lies with you for letting a bunch of kids loose in your house

A completely reasonable response in my eyes.

No matter how mature or responsible he is, he may not be a very good judge of character and his friends may be less so, or someone may have invited people he doesn't know and they were the ones who caused the damage.

I personally would never let my 16 year old have an unsupervised party in my house, because as much as I may trust my kids, I wouldn't trust others who could be very disrespectful of your belongings and property as in this case.

I never held a party as a teen for fear this would happen, didn't want the hassle.

It's a life lesson for your son, but at the wages he is likely to earn he will be taking a long time to pay you back, don't let the work I terfere with studies and exams. If he does get a job I prob wouldn't take all his wages to repay the damage, maybe half, and if it looks like he will be paying back till he is off to uni I would prob let him off the last bit once he had learnt his lesson.

Yeah it’s reasonable. However, I’d start asking around about who was at the party and who caused the damage. Those children should also face consequences from their parents. I’d want to know. They may also offer to help repair some of the damage - which they should.