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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu about Teens new year party disaster

183 replies

NiftyWasp94 · 09/01/2025 11:13

Recently my son had a new year's party with all his friends (he's 16) they used the house whilst I was away visiting my parents, I trusted him with the house as he is a mature kid. However when I got home the next day I found that the house had been absolutely trashed, cups and dishes everywhere and the dog had been dyed yellow and pink! I've cleaned the house as much as I can but there are things like holes in the walls and the dining tables leg has been broken. I've since grounded my son taking all his devices away, and I won't be letting him have/go to any more parties especially not in my house. The damages to the wall and things are going to cost upwards of £2500 he is going to be getting a job and paying for all of it.
Is this a reasonable response?

OP posts:
InfoSecInTheCity · 09/01/2025 11:25

I think you should go 50/50 on this with him, you are the adult, it is a completely reasonable expectation and realistic to think that this would go wrong, and it did. You with the knowledge of the fact that having a load of unaccompanied drunk teenagers would possibly result in damage accepted that you were ok with that and gave permission for it to go ahead.

ComtesseDeSpair · 09/01/2025 11:26

It’s not an unreasonable response: if you or your guests cause damage somewhere, even if you didn’t intend for that damage to happen, you’re responsible for having it repaired - and that’s an important lesson to learn for life. But you also really need to acknowledge it was a really daft idea on your part. Even had this been a mature 16-year-old inviting a few of his mature 16-year-old friends around for a small gathering, a bunch of 16-year-olds are powerless in the face of potential situations such as e.g. the party being crashed by a load of other uninvited teens who’ve heard on the grapevine that there’s an empty house and a party going on.

Whyherewego · 09/01/2025 11:26

My 18 Yr old had a small party on NYE, I said 10-15 max and I was at a friend's and came back before midnight to assess the situation. It was fine, they were a bit drunk but that was it.
I'd have never let a 16 yr old have an uncontrolled party with zero supervision.
It's done now, but I'd just tell your DS that he needs to invite some friends over to help repair the damage (if its painting or something) and make him contribute but £2.5k is too much. It needs to be a contribution that's all

Dotjones · 09/01/2025 11:29

I don't think he should pay the full amount because you are both partly responsible. Regardless of whether he had previously hosted parties that passed off without serious incident, allowing a child to hold a NYE party completely unsupervised is highly irresponsible.

It's probably fair to expect him to contribute something, say a couple of hundred pounds, but you should pay the rest and accept you made a mistake in trusting him.

As the parent you need to question your decisions, now and in the past. Either he caused/allowed the damage or he wanted to prevent it but wasn't able. In both cases, his decisions and mistakes are the result of his upbringing.

Redflagsabounded · 09/01/2025 11:30

I also don't think it was wrong to let him have a party without an adult present.We did it at that age.

However, there should have been a nearby adult he could call for assistance if things get really out of hand. Parties get invaded by ransoms, teenagers can act badly, a 16 year old isn't going to be able to stand up to them and sling them out. Or they may feel unsafe doing so.

I would make him pay for the damage, yes, but he also needs to tell you what happened and why he didn't feel able to call you/another adult/police when it turned bad. This was more than a 'normal' amount of accidental damage. If he comes clean, I'd let him off some of the costs and make sure someone is around for future parties. If he doesn't, full cost and no more parties.

Seeline · 09/01/2025 11:31

I've said YABU - leaving a 16yo boy to have an unsupervised NYE party is madness!
He would have had no control over who came - friends of friends of friends and anyone else who spotted it mentioned on SM. At 16, many would have brought alcohol - especially if they knew there were no adults around. At that age, most youngsters have little idea about their limits with regard to how much they can drink.
Even if he had tried to stop people trashing your house or dyeing the dog, I doubt that he would have had much success. Short of ringing the police, I don't think he could've done much.

I think you were very lucky that the damage wasn't much worse!

Yes - he should've helped with the cleaning. And if he can hep with DIY repairs, that would be good. Grounding him, if that's your thing, but you can't really determine how much he was responsible for.
Paying off £2.5k - ridiculous.

BrieAndChilli · 09/01/2025 11:31

I think this is the problem with not having adults on the premises. We have let 16 year old DD have a couple of parties and we have stayed upstairs out of the way.

I can hear if things get out of hand (if there is something like I heard someone say give me the knife! - I texted DD and it was a toy wolverine knife part of someones costume) but me and DH are there to go down and intervene.
DD has a nice group of friends but knowing we are 'there' I think prevents people from inviting others and putting it on facebook etc.

The problem with parties as even if your kid is mature and sensible, you cant control others - apart from chucking them out if they get out of hand which if you are not there you cannot do and peer pressure often means your child wont want to be the bad guy and ask people to leave - thats why as parents we are there to to do that if needed.
DD has only had a couple of parties and we have had no problems so far. The first party she had last year was just girls and they had a couple of drinks they brought with them - mostly 4% cocktail cans etc but one girls brought a bottle of mermaid gin and was sick. I heard them saying someone had been sick so went down and by the time I went down they had put the sofa cushion cover in the washing machine and bleached the bathroom!

FrenchandSaunders · 09/01/2025 11:31

Insane to allow a 16 year old to host a party with no adults present, particularly NYE!

Bet there was shagging in your bed and all sorts 😳

ItsBulkingSeason · 09/01/2025 11:31

I think you are the adult and such made the very stupid decision to let teenagers party in your home and you should pay the price not your DS.

DS probably didn’t cause the damage, probably tried to stop it and was way out of his depth to manage the situation that you created.

Bleachbum · 09/01/2025 11:31

I agree with PP’s that this is entirely on you.

My eldest teen has had parties at the house before but I’ve always been around at the start and at the end and kept in touch during the party. It’s too much responsibility for a teen otherwise.

And it was a definite no from me regarding a NYE party. Every teen within a 5 mile radius is hunting down parties for NYE so it’s always a recipe for disaster.

This was poor judgement on your part as you’re the adult. You can’t lay the blame with a 16 year old.

Original poster
NiftyWasp94 · 09/01/2025 11:33

After reading these replies I have talked with my son and made an agreement with him. He is still going to be paying for the damages but significantly less, around £800 and he will be allowed his phone between certain times of the day and he has told me which of the other kids did damage to the house and which ones had dyed the dog pink and yellow and parents are being contacted. Thanks for everyone's responses.

OP posts:
FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 09/01/2025 11:33

The 28 year old with the banana and the cat is the most shocking bit of this thread.

What the fuck?! Who does that? Why?!

ForeverPombear · 09/01/2025 11:34

Leaving a 16 year old to have a NYE was always going to end badly, whether or not he'd had parties before.

You're the adult and this is on you. I do agree he should help pay back a bit whether it's doing DIY to repair things or getting a job and paying for it but it's not fully on him and the whole 2.5k is ridiculous.

Edited: X post, I'm glad you're getting somewhere with getting some answers.

mondaytosunday · 09/01/2025 11:34

My stepson has an unauthorised party at the same age. We were going on holiday and he didn't want to come (don't blame him, I had a baby and toddler), and would not go to his mothers (he lived with us full time). Plus he had school. Back and forth about it and we decided to trust him. No parties was the main stipulation!
He had it the first night we left! Of course word got out and loads of kids unknown to him arrived and it got out of hand. A painting was slashed, window cracked, my son's cot was broken, a few things stolen and our neighbour's windscreen was smashed. We were having some building work done and the guys actually cleaned up most of it. But as soon as I walked in I knew. The boy was traumatised enough that he told one of his teachers.
I'm not sure what the punishment was - I almost think there wasn't any. His father did not come home with me (he stayed abroad another week for work) so the impact was less for him. But for years after it was an oft repeated meme almost - when his brother moved in he'd often say 'you can trust me I'm not like X' etc. He was very contrite, humiliated and ashamed. I think he learned his lesson without further action.

SilentSong · 09/01/2025 11:35

I feel very sorry for the dog. Being manhandled/abused by drunken strangers - horrible.

Hungry123666 · 09/01/2025 11:36

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GreyBlackBay · 09/01/2025 11:37

You were unreasonable to think that a 16 year old could police a party if things started to go wrong.

I think parents need to be discretely in the house ready to step in, and 16 is too young to expect all his friendship group to be as mature as you think he is.

Alalalala · 09/01/2025 11:38

@Hungry123666 You didn’t say he had autism. Don’t try to punish and silence people for responding to what you said without context!

BendingSpoons · 09/01/2025 11:38

My brother had a party at 17. Some of the girls coming invited random people they met in the shop on the way. My dad spent the whole evening manning the front door.

Your DS probably didn't know how to deal with it going wrong. I think your punishment is OTT. Of course no more parties at yours (it wasn't a good idea in the first place whilst you were away) and I agree he needs to help rectify the damage e.g. directly or by paying for some of it. Grounding him, taking away devices etc is IMO unnecessary. How long is this part of the punishment for?

ForeverPombear · 09/01/2025 11:38

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

You never stated he had autism, you can't expect people to know.

Technonan · 09/01/2025 11:38

I feel sorry for your DS. That was a massive responsibility to put on him. There are so many occasions when word has got out on social media that there is a party, and a house gets trashed. No 16-year-old can handle that. I imagine it was pretty frightening and traumatic for him.

Wildwalksinjanuary · 09/01/2025 11:39

You got away lightly op. Someone could have been seriously injured or killed/sexually assaulted.

I would ask him to contribute but also accept you should have had several adults supervising. They are still minors.

ManchesterPie · 09/01/2025 11:39

What a poor decision on your part to allow a 16yr old to have a party unsupervised. This is totally on you and not him.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 09/01/2025 11:39

@Hungry123666

Your post doesn't say he has autism. You've commented it on a post about teenagers having a party and getting out of hand - I assumed it was a similar situation.

What are you reporting me for? Get a fucking grip.

Alalalala · 09/01/2025 11:39

Yes he needs to have repercussions but this is on you OP.