13 years, mortgage, 2 kids... No proposal!?

[Faith27]

Hi, super new here, just after some advice..
Been with my partner 13 years in April. We have 2 wonderful children. It's never been a secret that I want to get married. He's always said he'd "never say never" or "yh one day* ..
3 years ago a random, chilled, no pressure, marriage discussion happened. The end response from him... "I don't want to get married, I don't see the point in it!" ... Would anyone else be furious??? :(
We are off to Paris for our 13 years together anniversary in April.. which I planned! He never says he loves me first, never a cuddle or a kiss unless I get one from him myself. But he can be kind and makes me a cup of tea every morning and helps with chores, he pays all the bills. But he's the most unromantic person ever! :( he says he's happy when I've asked. I Just feel lost and lonely and wish for the ultimate romantic gesture from him. What would you do?.
Will he ever propose?? Xx

I want him to show me that he loves me. I want a real romantic note from him not "romantic note" on the note pad. :(

Putting the financial selfishness aside, romantic notes aren't the way he works.
.
I was happily married to my late husband for 35 years, but I never wrote him a romantic note. I simply can't do that kind of sentimentality. We loved each other deeply, but my love for him was shown in other ways. I don't know why I have a block about expressing my feelings in that way, but it would have been tragic if our marriage had failed simply because of that.

I really feel for you. I was in a 10 year relationship with someone and I desperately wanted to marry, he didn't. I ended up meeting someone else and have been happily married to him for a long time.
I think at the very least you need to set aside a time for a very frank discussion. Tell him that you need to work full time in order to build a career and a pension. He needs to hear that this means he will need to pay for half the childcare, take on half the cleaning, washing, cooking etc.

Many such cases. He can leave you at any time and have a great life. Although he'll have to secure a new cleaner, cook, PA, driver etc.

Sorry, I've read so many threads like yours, I'm cynical.

It's time to turn the tables on this man!
He's exploited your trust now you can start exploiting him.

This is so very true.

So many women put up with this nonsense. Even if as a couple you have separate finances, you made a baby together and you should not have had to fund yourself from savings during mat leave. Any man who thinks that is acceptable is an absolute knob.

Only if it was bought as joint tenants. If it was bought as Tenants in Common ( which the way you have written your comments suggests it might be) you only own 50%. If your DP was to die his 50% would be split up as per his will -so he might have left it to the kids / a sibling / the cats home or if no will to the kids as his nearest relatives.

Technically you could find yourself homeless if there isn't a clause in his will giving you a life interest to stay.

Your biggest issue is that being married was never a priority for you. You need to decide if being married is a priority and if so, what are you going to do about it?

13 years of hand wringing had got you here, stop expecting a different outcome with the same behaviour.

I’ve not read all the posts so this has probably been covered. To protect yourself get a life insurance policy on him to your benefit which covers at least the remaining balance of the mortgage, and ask him to make a will leaving his share of the house to you. If the house is held as joint tenants you would get his share automatically on death.

Er, if it goes to OP she pays IHT on it. Then when she pops her clogs, there is a second lot of IHT to pay on it when it passes to the children.

Do you see? If it goes via OP it is subject to IHT twice rather than once.

I think PP was asking because really it shouldn't have just been your savings being spent, it should have been his too. Or infact mostly his if he has a lot more!

Your income dropped for both of your babies sakes, not just yours, he should have supported you in that not let you spend up your savings just to pay the bills!

Sounds like he's not wanting to marry so he keeps his pension and savings all for himself. I'm sorry OP

@Faith27 are you joint tenants or tenants in common on the house?

Sorry op he has told you he won't get married. Are you happy to live as you are. Please make sure you sort your finances out as you won't be getting married. Also make sure you got a will and he has as if anything happens any money etc could potentially go to his parents and your children not you. Can you afford the mortgage on your own.

If they marry there's no IHT if the house goes soley to OP. There's IHT if it then goes to the children but that's a better option than OP paying it.

It’s scary that op is talking about the odd butterfly here or there when she could be utterly screwed over at any moment and has a disabled child in the mix. It’s just unthinkable to me.

Doesn’t it really depend on the value of the house? DP and I aren’t married, but his share of the house doesn’t go over the IHT threshold so I’d pay nothing.

He should have paid those bills.
He should bought the things for the baby.

If he doesn't want to get married would he be OK with a civil partnership? This would offer the financial security of marriage without it beibg marriage should he decide he wants to end the relationship.

You need to consider yourself financially as a single woman and check that you can afford retirement and old age on the value of your half of the house and your pension.

Will you have to take care of your disabled DC into adulthood as well ? If so, then the cost of that needs to be added.

Basically, your partner could just up and leave you, as well as die, at anytime and all that is his will not become yours.

OP, what happens if either of you needs care in the future? Are you prepared to become his carer with no security or legal commitment? Will he be prepared to be yours after spending your lives together refusing to commit legally and financially? He didn't even step up financially when you had his babies and were on mat leave, he's never shared his money... would he do that?

They’re not getting married. That is literally the point of this entire thread.

If he becomes ill or needs any kind of care she should just disappear with the children and leave him to it.
He's had everything on his own terms and worked it to his advantage. she needs to do the same back to him.

Yes how about that? Would that be palatable to him? Not romantic but pragmatic.

The OP is an unpaid slave really raising his children. It's no good saying you get half a house if he drops dead because the money to tide her over is willed to the children.

I wonder if he'd change his mind if she won on the lottery or received a big inheritance. Because he couldn't claim a penny now.

Paris is a waste of money you do not have.

There will not be any proposal and you will have wasted money on being disappointed.

Please wake up.
You have no pension.
Put every penny you can into catching up.
Stop paying for anything.
He can walk away from you at any time and live a comfortable life.

You have bought into nothing but hardship.
Please wake up and start providing for yourself.
He has absolutely no reason to marry you at this point.
The fact that he allowed you to run down your savings tells you everything about him.

You have massively disadvantaged yourself by thinking with your heart.

He has ALWAYS been governed by his head.

Why would you propose to someone who has said they don't want to marry you?!?!?!