13 years, mortgage, 2 kids... No proposal!?

[Faith27]

Hi, super new here, just after some advice..
Been with my partner 13 years in April. We have 2 wonderful children. It's never been a secret that I want to get married. He's always said he'd "never say never" or "yh one day* ..
3 years ago a random, chilled, no pressure, marriage discussion happened. The end response from him... "I don't want to get married, I don't see the point in it!" ... Would anyone else be furious??? :(
We are off to Paris for our 13 years together anniversary in April.. which I planned! He never says he loves me first, never a cuddle or a kiss unless I get one from him myself. But he can be kind and makes me a cup of tea every morning and helps with chores, he pays all the bills. But he's the most unromantic person ever! :( he says he's happy when I've asked. I Just feel lost and lonely and wish for the ultimate romantic gesture from him. What would you do?.
Will he ever propose?? Xx

Then, both can go part time? Whatever you have highlighted doesn’t automatically mean the women has to take a hit to her career. You also didn’t say you are disabled one. Why are you automatically suggesting women should take the caring role? And take a hit to their career?

You better have some money of your own, whichever way, before he uses his position you facilitated and drops his family.
Sorry, it's cruel, but I never understood women who put themselves in such vulnerable situations, because of some bloody men.
Yourself first, in this world.

Even if he "proposes," whoch is a silly concept when you have kids already, he likely won't follow through.

If he's not a romantic person look at love languages, can you find him?

I'm not saying that at all! I specifically said the same would have been true if my DH had cut his hours. In fact we have had spells where I have been the higher earner supporting DH.

I totally agree that if unmarried/not tied financially that both partners reducing employment/earnings by the same amount would be the fairest solution but it's not always as practical. What matters is that the hit is shared.

From his perspective at this point, there is absolutely no benefit to marrying and he only stands to lose. Right now he walks away with 50% of the house, all of his own pension/savings, kids are already done and house already bought. There is no reason for HIM to want to do it, and if “love” was enough he would have done it years ago.

My main point was both parties should go part time. In 2025, women shouldn’t be the ones taking hit to their career. Also don’t have kids without being married. That’s all.

I would definitely get some legal advice. If he dies you would be unlikely to access any of his pension ect. This may sound completely unromantic but get lawyers involved as they may advise a civil partnership and marriage may be completely transactional. Forget the reels… protect yourself financially!

Also maybe find out why he doesn’t want marriage - a lot of people don’t want a big glitzy wedding and totally get it. But elopement, just the two of your or with kids may be something he would want!

Why, why, why do so many women put themselves in such a vulnerable position?

When you had babies without marriage, and didn't work, you should have made sure HE paid into a pension for you and that HE paid for what was needed without using up all your savings for everyday expenses.

He's not going to propose in Paris. He's told you he doesn't want to get married (and why would he? He'd have to pay you ££s if you divorced). He's also not going to start making any grand romantic gestures.

The best thing you can do now is get yourself a good job and plough ££ into a pension for YOU. So when he leaves you in 10 years time (when he will undoubtedly make a romantic gesture to someone else) you are financially secure.

You’ve given him all the benefits of marriage (children, a romantic partner to live with) without having to actually get married. If women keep agreeing to have children and get a house together then men will keep avoiding marriage! “Maybe one day” is not good enough.

Apologies, have not read the full thread. Would either of you consider a civil partnership? Putting the argument to him as a cynic… Depending on how much your half of the house and your business are worth, if anything happens to you, he will pay inheritance tax on your estate, unless you are married or in a civil partnership. If he doesn’t have the cash to pay it, he’ll have to borrow it or downsize.
Some people are really weird about the word “marriage” but essentially the protections / responsibilities of civil partnership are virtually identical.

I’ve been with my husband 25 years, it’s my second marriage. My children are grown and I didn’t want more even if it was possible. Every week for 13 years he asked me to marry him. My reaction was the same as your partners, what’s the point? My issue was that these days marriage doesn’t seem to give any extra protection. There’s no shame in divorce, life goes on, you meet new people etc.

However marriage was very important to my husband. He felt that the commitment was a show of solidarity in the relationship. As he was (and is) important to me I eventually agreed.

if you love someone then their needs should be considered too. You need to have this conversation telling him how important it is for you especially as you have children.

my husbands favourite phrase was ‘ if you don’t want to shit, get off the pot’.

12 years on it’s working well. We’re best friends and I really can’t imagine spending my life with anyone else. We’re drifting into old age together and that’s important.

Well this is not good! Why is mat leave solely your financial responsibility? I bet he didn’t do 50% of the childcare and housework in that time - so why isn’t he paying for
towards the costs of you being off?

Hes financially secure and you’re not, but the sound of it.

If all his money is his own, any time you spend doing things they are joint responsibilities like looking after kids he needs to pay you for.

He’s not going to want to get married in this scenario- it would be signing over half his money - his saving and pension - for nothing, as you’re already doing all of his domestic work for him.

He is showing you he loves you though... every day of your relationship by continuing to be a good partner and a good father, paying the bills and supporting you.

How does a ring serve as evidence of love more than those things?

Also, “never say never” doesn’t mean yes, it means “almost certainly not”.

I don’t think having a partner that isn’t romantic is the end of the world.
But more important than romance is someone who treats you like an equal life partner.
That includes making sure YOU the Mother of his children not just the kids are secure financially secure in the future
He let you pay for your kids whilst on maternity leave - why - they are his children too? You shouldn’t have had to take all the financial hits to support him , his career , household and children.
You say he’s got a good pension, but what about you , your pension ?

I think you need to see a solicitor, knows you rights - you can opt for a free consultation
Then talk to your boyfriend about a legal partnership, he needs to make a choice & you OP stop equating romance as cure .

You also said that you want your kids to be proud of you , are you coupling marriage with self worth and self esteem? You sound lovely and caring , don’t let his attitude damage your confidence. Maybe think about therapy and invest in yourself too.
Having a disabled child can be very rewarding but hard. Be kind yourself and stop being a pushover x x
Pay family money into your pension he owes you x

If nothing else op, this thread will really help you in the long run.

If he can’t deliver on the proposal then you ensure you legally are entitled to the pension and savings in a will.

Ask him to transfer some savings pref 50% to you to create some security and step up your work to full time now - he needs to start pulling his weight.

At the moment he has all of the benefits and none of the negatives. I would be concerned he now also takes you for granted, with zero effort into the relationship. So get yourself lined up for the worse case scenario. Every woman should do that even if they are very happy.

He isn’t going to marry you. The existing arrangement works just fine for him.

You do the donkey work and he gets to reap the rewards.

At least get a proper will drawn up and any money split jointly between you.

So - being practical

Do you both own your home?
Do you work?
Do you both have wills? (extremely important)
Do you share everything equally?
Is he transparent with money matters?

Oh. Read your update

Get legal advice. Now. You are very vulnerable

I'd be more interested that he has a will which affords me protection

Would you allow someone you loved to go almost broke while on maternity leave for your children, and leave them completely financially vulnerable while you enjoyed having pots of money?

It's not about the ring and I think you know that.

There is an alternative to marriage, you need a legal contract that gives you the same benefits as marriage if he should die or if your relationship breaks down.

A cheap registry office wedding may well be cheaper.

If your relationship fails, he gets to walk away with his in tact career, pension, savings and 50% of your house leaving you with a disabled child and another child to care for and none of those things apart from 50% of the house. You have a massively raw deal here and he knows it, which is why he silences you.

There is no legal contract that perfectly replicates marriage and if there were, it would be exactly the same thing so there's no reason he'd go for it.

Some people feel more comfortable with civil partnerships; these basically ignore the sexual nature of your relationship but in practice you can dissolve them much like marriages if you need to.

Get legal advice. Now. You are very vulnerable

This.

No matter how much your business takes off, your partner has a big pension and you don't. If you split up/he leaves you, what will you do?