Can’t get my child to school

[Palmtreesinthewinds]

What would you do? really need help/advice 🙏

We live in another country where they start formal schooling at age 6.
My dc was in pre school part time from age 4-6 (she turned 6 end of July)
In May she got ill and stayed off Pre school, she is only really recovering now (still not 100% but we’re hopefully getting there)
She tried Year 1 for two half days in September and couldn’t cope, we just tried back this week and she found the work too hard and was very anxious and wants to stay with me.
I just cannot get her to school, she gets very very upset about it and once in, cries a lot and they call me to come and pick her up.

I don’t know what to do at all.
Legally I have to have her in school, we’ve had the Drs reports and absence letters up until now, but their recommendation is to try to get her back to school.

What would you do?

The first post you’ve written says that’s she still not 100% better. So unsure how any parent can comment that they would just refuse to collect their distressed child.

She sounds like she’s been through a rough time, personally I’d work with a therapist to work through her anxiety, and it must be anxiety inducing for you to have seen your kid so unwell, so perhaps it would benefit you too?

Could she go to school for a few hours and then increase it as time goes on? The school should really have a plan in place for these sorts of things.

Don’t know if it’s been specifically mentioned but I echo the others saying to start small and work your way up. Start with going in the morning first thing for 30m-1h and extend. She won’t have the mental stamina for a full day straight away and will knock her confidence to expect her to do so. It could take a whole term to get to a full day - maybe longer, maybe not, but now that you’ve started I wouldn’t stop. Consistency is key. Little often- all those cliche phrases ring true. I’ve worked with children in many capacities and have seen the wonders a flexible timetable can have. Keep that morning routine of getting up ready and out the door. Make a visual timetable for home so she knows what’s coming next. Explore with her what would help in times of distress; a note with a big love heart or a scarf of yours to sniff or a snack. Maybe all of the above to begin with. It’s tough. Hang in there. It’ll be over before you know it and she’ll start enjoying her time there again.

Individual.plans are a very British thing. Other countries I've experienced have a very different approach, ranging from you follow the rules or else regardless of circumstance to just going with the flow and not caring if child is absent and letting them fail / resit the year. But a personal plan? Not really a thing in many cases.

Yes, it’s more like this

I have a link for someone who does talks on Pans Panda, if you want me to send you a link i can. Her daughter has it and i know its not as easy as telling her to get on with it.

Have you looked for a local Montessori school. I live in Europe so it could be a way out of the formal education until your DD has more confidence. Other than that she could redouble, as they say here. Or a small local private school which maybe a bit more understanding and not so expensive a a larger more well-known one.

Yes please 🙏

Would she be allowed to start Y1 in September 2025, she will be an older child in the class but gives her room now to catch up. Would playdates help? One on one time with children from the class, so she builds friendships?

It would be my dream, all too expensive on lower wages of the country, sadly

Does DD have a close friend at school or a subject or sport she loves? Could you get the social or academic or sport side looking really positive and start taking her in where she looks forward to that one thing and associates school with a more positive experience? Could you invite the friend(s) over so she gets more of the social side and wants to see them and be with them more (ie having to go to school to see them).
Sounds like there is nothing she looks forward to about going. If you could get her enjoying one aspect that might help her anxiety/lack of enjoyment.

She has lots of friends there, many she plays around the neighbourhood with. She says she wants to see them and play with them, but not at school

Yes I agree. It also really depends on the nature of her illness and how much recovered she is. I’d also talk with her about the other kids and teachers and ask her if anyone has been mean to her or other worries. Extreme anxiety In a child so young can be crippling and needs to be got to the bottom of.

Ideally, you need to stay in school with her - either alongside in the classroom, or in a room nearby and instantly on call - and maintain this / keep it going until her anxiety is allayed and she can begin to move forward on her own.
I guess this will interfere with your employment & financial situation? Tricky.
However, it is probably the most effective and very probably the quickest means to a resolution.

The other thing is that you have to (at least appear) to be very relaxed about it. Easier said than done.
The home-schooling and other ideas don't sound as if they'd work or would be appropriate in your situation.

Your child is anxious. She needs to feel it's ok & safe to "regress", that you (& school staff) are able to support this need in her, and that you can demonstrate to her that you have the TIME to support her growth (re-growth) towards building her confidence and growing her independence at school.

Make a big investment (of your time and attention) now for, hopefully, much bigger, more reliable & sustained reduction of your child's anxiety going forward.

Jesus. Have you seen what illness her daughter is recovering from?!

She could redouble as she has missed so much? Two of my DDs did this, everything is fine later, one a physiotherapist and the other an English teacher.

She needs to have more exposure to Portuguese if you want her to feel confident in the language in school. Can you get a home tutor, go to a hobby class with her, organise play dates with neighbours etc.? Can you and DH speak Portuguese?

Did you and DH not discuss an education plan when either having a child in a foreign country or moving to a foreign country with a child? How did you intend to help her develop her Portuguese language skills and integrate with her local community? How did you plan to keep track of her Portuguese and ensure her fluency?

I feel quite sorry for her, you seem a bit lost and unwilling to take control. Have you had a therapist or anyone to talk to since DD has been unwell? It’s not unusual for parents to be soft on a child who’s been sick, it’s not easy to discipline them or watch them be upset.

She speaks Portuguese and we both do, Dh fluently, me ok. It’s a different thing for her to speak well with her friends to learning after being off the whole time and this being her first year ot formal learning.
I have seen a huge amount of Drs and had meetings with the school
We planned it all and thought she might be ready for a couple of hours per day…I can see now that she isn’t quite there yet and really needs less pressure from all the Drs, the meetings, the talk of school and plans…we all do. It was a highly traumatic time when we were just in survival and trying to keep going, it takes a lot out of you. We’ve paid thousands on Drs fees as went private as well as public and ive had to cut my work hours as some days I couldn’t leave her or the days had been so horrifically challenging, I couldn’t go to my job in the evenings.
We’ve seen big improvements since then, but she’s still not there.
I’ve fought so hard for her and spent months trying to research and get her better, with not a great deal of medical help or help from school.
It’s no exaggeration to say it’s been the most challenging 6/7 months of our lives

@loropianalover She’s completely integrated, plays with her neighbour friends some evenings and weekends
I’ve always done everything to ensure this, she just became very ill. She finds it tricky to colour for longer than 5 minutes some days and forgot what month came after February the other day.
I taught her months of the year, days of the week etc at 3.
This is why the work now in Portuguese is too much for her.
Some days are great, others terrible. It seems yo be a long process, this is why it’s so hard to plan for anything with any certainty. I’ve tried that and it’s just put more pressure on things.

Yes, it does make you feel very lost

She doesn’t need any disciplining, she hasn’t done anything wrong.

I a bit torn with this types of things. I’m a teacher and also a parent. I’ve seen both sides. I have seen your update about the illness your daughter has had and can see why it’s been tough. She possibly does need some sort of graduated exposure technique where she goes in for half an hour for a while then gradually extending it longer when she’s more confident. Giving her something of reference to you can be helpful sometimes as well. I think the longer you leave it the harder it will get.

I have a friend who is not from the uk and her little one struggled at nursery so she pulled her out. Tried again at redemption and pulled her out again saying that in her home country they start at 7 so would try again then. She did but wasn’t successful. Small school, friendships already formed within the class. Child just even more anxious. So they’ve home schooled. Had 2 more children since and home schooled them all. Their choice and one no issue. I suspect some neurodivergence also as I’ve met the oldest a lot.

What I have noticed is that I have 2 friends with children now at secondary school who have now got emotionally based school avoidance. It’s a real thing. Both are girls and both have had late ASD diagnoses - around ages 12. In primary school both would be kept off school whenever they said they had a sniffle, headache, or their birthday, or even if they cried and said they didn’t fancy school. Parents were quite flexible with them. School never really got on their backs about attendance. One was very clingy in particular at the school had and if she had a meltdown the parent would take her home. The other one would just be kept off. However since becoming older they have both really become phobic of school, can’t cope with the environment of school and have had to have reduced timetables, often learn out of class in a quite space. Parents now fight to get them in because school is on their back, they might get fined etc. I genuinely believe if they had have had the consistency of being sent in more regularly on primary this wind not be happening at secondary.

I’ve an autistic child and another with possible adhd. As I’m a single parent and teacher I can’t just stay off and keep them home. When my youngest was in nursery she would cry when I dropped her off. I’d hoped she was fine in the day as from experience they usually are, but her nursery said she would spontaneously start crying. They tried sticker charts and alsorts. Then when I picked her up she would cry hysterically also. No idea why why possibly relief to see me. She was also a bad sleeper and often ended up in bed with me and also often had night terrors. I used to sit in the car and cry when o had dropped her off but o persisted with it. By pre school she was happier and went in much better. I’ve never really kept mine off unless they’ve had chicken pox or D&V type things which need isolation. Covid was awful as they actually hated being off school and were glad to go in on key worker days. They both have different levels of anxiety but both happy to attend school. When my eldest had a D&V recently she was upset at being kept off.

I genuinely think that the expectation set early on and consistency of going to school has made the difference. Mine also had to go to breakfast club so were there before the class so to speak.

As a teacher I have worked with pupils and seen similar things. The anxious kid crying in the line on the yard also had an anxious mother. Usually the kids crying were fine once in school with their friends and distracted (which was why I was shocked with my own child) and I made it work by allowing the child in 5 minutes before the bell to go and do a job in my classroom such as sorting the books etc. with a friend with TA there to supervise. It took away the anxiety. Although this was about 20 years ago. We’ve done similar things more recently. The introduction of breakfast clubs has helped a bit.

I’m not saying there aren’t genuinely anxious children who need more support and time out and there are genuinely kids who can’t cope at school. Sadly there are many. But consistency is key.

None of this is relevant to my post.

My Dd went in consistently, lots of friends, happy, confident, outgoing. She got ill mid May, by June, she was crying hysterically if Dh or I even nipped to the shops, wouldn’t go to sleep without both of us there. She quickly developed horrifying, intrusive thoughts that were nearly all
day long (she was still 5 at the time) followed by horrendous screaming and anger she couldn’t help or control, hitting and biting Dh and I, throwing things, this went on for months. One morning we had to call an ambulance as she couldn’t calm down, the most frightening experience of my life.
Things aren’t like that now, but she’s still not there. She’s still scared sometimes, lacks confidence and the Dr says the brain inflammation can take a long time to go down, even with the medications she’s having.

OP, we're now 16 pages into the thread, and finally you've given us more information about your daughter's actual struggles, than through the whole of the rest of the post. From what you've now told us, it's easy to see why she's not ready to go back to school yet, and had you told us all this in the first place, I think you'd have saved yourself from being told so many times that you need to be tough on her, and not give into her. Why on earth did you hold all this information back, we're all only trying to help?

This is very bad advice if the child has a psychological illness.

I said near the start what the diagnosis was and how long she’d been off. It’s really hard to write down the details of it. These details though are what the illness brings for lots of kids and many more horrendous symptoms
I said the diagnosis near the start

I'm sure the school would say I was an anxious over worried parent. But this wasn't the case. I really thought eldest would thrive in school and it caught us left field when they had such an extreme reaction to the school environment.

I have recently read a report from the old school and it is depressing how they mention Mum in a negative way over and over again. Ironically, Dad who also attended the meetings didn't get mentioned once. The report was also wrong in many things stated. Some would be impossible to prove but others were undeniably wrong.

School didn't help all the times we begged for help, for support, for the adjustments identified by ed psych. But they were quick to cover their backs and place blame with home